October 2005 Archives

I've got to tell you this has not been the most emotionally stable week. And a half. Or two ...

I'm losing track of how long this roller coaster ride is lasting. That can't be good.

I've been so busy I can't seem to stop even when I want to. And when I do physically stop, my brain keeps on racing and I can't seem to get any rest.

I guess I better explain.

I got called about a "career advancement" last week. From the call, I was told that all I had to do was say yes. Since that, though, someone has surfaced that has a beef with the school system and she wants to interview. She doesn't even want the job but now they have to interview her. So I'm stuck going through an interview (which I suck at!) for a job that was already mine.

Meanwhile, my boss wants to send me to Master Teacher training. That's a week away from school, from home, from my kids ... but I want it. It may not help me get the job but it's a step toward it. And it will look good on my resume.

have I mentioned that it's a week away?

SO ... I'm in a transitional phase in my life right now. I have very few things I can hold on to. My kids. T. They center me, remind me why I am working so hard.

It'll be alright. I'm just caught up in it all right now and trying to keep my head above. I wonder how some people can function when their lives are full of chaos 'cause I could use some lessons.

OH ... and grad school? We're really crankin' it up now, baby! Project after project and then what? Another project? Yeah ... just rolling along, waiting for the weekend.

NO, not working for the weekend! Damn earworm ... too late.

A week away in a hotel sounds scrumptious.

come on, baby, let's GO!! *guitar solo!*

I do not like my mother very much. Does that make me a bad person?

*sigh*

Made a few steps this week. Looks like I'm coming back into the light.

Went back to karate Wednesday night. We have a new person in the beginner class. I'm uncomfortable with her in the room. I don't know what it is but something about her energy is wrong. Just can't put my finger on it. She's not respectful, is as close as I can come. Anyway, class was good. The first hour was basics because of the new girl. The next two hours was kicks, katas and sparring. Yes, I sparred. I have so much to learn but I think I can learn and that's what's important. I got a few good shots in ... even though they were giving me openings big enough to drive a truck through.

Got back to my school work today. Losing my DSL and my computer for a bit really threw me off. My kinetic energy took a beating and, I'll tell you, it's hard to build up any steam from a standstill. I knocked out a unit tonight and resubmitted a few assignments that weren't up to my standards, with only a few sidetracking computer problems. While I was putting together a webpage for an assignment, I realized that I lost all my fonts so I went font hunting, never a quick proposition for a font-a-holic. Then I realized that I had no way to FTP the page but, luckily, my favorite monkey had it tucked away for me. Once I got that installed, though, I realized I didn't have my FTP specifics for the ECU server ... by this time, it was closer to midnight so I decided I was pretty much done once I finished building the page. I'll get there.

Had our first 2 days of Intel Training for the Tech Ventures program. It was excellent, very productive. I like the other people in the program. One guy is from Worcester, MA (!!) so we talked about different places in Boston that we used to hang around when we were younger. Some people aren't taking it as seriously as I am (but really, who does take things as seriously as I do??) but I get the feeling they will get their come-uppance. Got some exciting news but I'm going to hold it close until I have confirmation. I've probably already jinxed it *throws salt over shoulder and knocks on wood*

I realized this week that an argument can be just that and it can be resolved, that everything is not always my fault and it's ok if I actually speak up when I'm upset about something. It was scary ... for someone that tries to avoid conflict as much as I do, this was paralysing ... as far as arguments go, this was rational and quiet, now that I think about it. It's ok. As a matter of fact, we're better for it.

Was able to fight through a panic attack this week. I felt the fluttering, aching in my arms, pain in my chest and back, white heat in my skull, leaden weight of my ribs squeezing ... and I came through the other side fairly quickly. I've been peckish and snippy since but that's to be expected. Just a little panic-lag. I just cover it up and smile and no one knows the difference. Right??

Went shopping today. Yeah, I know, I HATE to shop ... and today didn't help change my mind. From the BestBuy register that mysteriously shorted out when I was paying to the gaggle of children crawling underneath the dressing room stalls as I was trying on clothes (Lord help me, I almost kicked one) ... from getting a call while I was in the dressing room to tell me that my daughter was being dropped off in front of the store while I stood in my underwear, fighting the urge to play Kick the Urchin to the register at Lowe's Foods breaking down as I was paying ... from the guilt inducing call from my mother as I stood in the frozen food aisle, apparently selfishly thinking of my self and my family when I should have been thinking about her ... it was her birthday today and she made plans to go on a trip with her friends so we planned to go see her tomorrow. The call was to tell me that she didn't go and that she didn't get any sleep the night before and now she was all alone, doing nothing on her birthday and woe is me. And she was all alone on her birthday. Now she knows how it feels.

Yeah ... shopping today was not exactly a pleasant experience. I left the house at noon, several hours after I wanted to (thanks in no small part to the x), and got the dressing room call at 1. Apparently, I'm the 167 hrs/wk. parent and he's the 1 hr./wk. parent. Oh, I don't even want to go there. I was so furious and just thinking now makes my blood start to boil.

A busy week. I feel as though I'm turning a corner, though. I'm praying for patience as this next week approaches. Yes, I, the heathen, am praying. And it's ok. He listens to heathens, too, whether we believe it or not. I'm willing to take that chance.

Because I'm in a deep hole here and I can't seem to function ... a stolen meme from Sweetney ...

Google "[your name] needs" and see what comes up.

Sharon needs to make a move now ...
Sharon Needs to Be Told to Stop Shooting and Start Talking ...
Sharon needs to understand how to work with the opposition ...
Sharon needs understanding parent(s) who are sensitive to inner conflicts with wanting to belong and feeling an overwhelming sadness about never actually achieving that ... (umm, wow)
Sharon needs to do someting very simple that would have a profound meaning worldwide ...
Sharon needs no excuses to move quickly...
Sharon needs the conflict in order to avoid talking about peace...
Sharon needs to look into some prescription drugs ...
Sharon needs to back off a bit and stop overscheduling her daughter ...
Sharon needs an excuse to organize and execute another bloodbath ...
Sharon needs more time to try to stage a comeback...
Sharon needs someone who is more mature than Nick ...
Sharon needs 17 months to get ready to withdraw ...
Sharon needs desperately to calm the situation ...
Sharon needs to go very carefully ...
Sharon needs to divert attention ...
Sharon needs a real man ...
Sharon needs to take responsibility for what she did ...
Sharon needs to be on a regular fertilizer schedule ...!!
Sharon needs to be touched by an angel ...
Sharon needs to see calm restored ...
Sharon needs a general anaesthetic to have the foreign body removed. ...
Sharon needs to a kill bunch of you ...
Sharon needs the violence ...
Sharon needs a makeover ...
Sharon needs to regain control ...
Sharon needs something to hang on to ...
Sharon needs to express herself ...
Sharon Needs Sympathy. ...
Sharon needs to be hopeful ...
Sharon needs help. ...
Sharon needs to go ...

*10/15/05 - umm, yeah ... unfortunately, whenever I googled my first name, I got a lot of Ariel Sharon returns. *sigh* I decided to go back and try again and now I've added to this list by delving even deeper into google, 19 or 20 pages in. That's where the real Sharons can be found. I also realized today that with Wordwhores gone, I'm no longer the top return for my full name, either. Seems the Interweb has a very short memory. I guess I should be thankful. I'm more anonymous this way. It'll just take a while to build this site up like Absolute Blog was. *'nother sigh**

Yes, my computer is working. Yes, I can connect to the internet again without having to reboot every 10 minutes. Yes, most of my data is back to where it should be. All is right with the world, yes?

Not exactly. Maybe it's me. Let's go out on a limb and assume that it is.

This technological hiccup has messed me up.

I don't know how many of you can understand this, or how many of you there are, but my life seems to have been inextricably linked to my computer ever since I brought my first one into the house in '98. At the time it was a lifeline out that I had to protect. At the time, it was my only hope. I wrote, I chatted, I laughed, I cried ... I literally lived through this machine. Serenity was my name and I was a real person, finally, with a chance to have something resembling a normal life. The irony of the fact that the 'real' life that I had was all in virtual reality is not lost on me. It was the only way I survived the hell that my real life had become.

My obsessions may have changed over the years but they all centered around this desk, even as it and the machine on it has evolved. I went from poetry to poetry chat to coding pages to building websites to writing to distance education to working to what I have now ... a life that absolutely revolves around my ability to be connected to my files ... my past, my present and my future. My passion.

I have to make order out of the chaos ... and not just on my computer but it my head. Somehow this has messed up my internal working. I try to play music but I realize I have to reconfigure iTunes ... and then I realize I lost all my customizations, weeks of work just gone. I like my things to run a certain way so I tweak until I get it just right, micromanaging every function of this machine, every setting, every detail ... and now I realize I have to do it all over again.

I relied on my messenger and my email client to store precious documents, precious memories that I would visit whenever I needed a touch but was too far away to be able to reach. Now when I wake up at night, shaking and alone, I have no way to reach out and, if I try, my fingers come back empty. I feel very alone without my memories even if I, we, are making new ones every day. Does that make sense?

Maybe I just miss the data I've lost. It's almost as though I lost a part of myself. The part that lets me see just how far I have come. That was one reason I want to get a tattoo of the symbol of Serenity ... not only is it a way of life but it is a reminder of who I was, of where I came from and how I got here. I think I need these reminders. Starting over is hard ... even though I have tangible evidence here and there, reminders of my journey are important to me.

I'm distracted and disoriented most of the time lately. I can't seem to complete anything. I've gone out several times this week to do tech assistance and have only solved one or two problems. To illustrate how bad it was ... we had a VCR that was hooked up wrong and I couldn't figure it out. What's up with that? I got my wireless router for my laptop but I can't get it working. Ok, that is a bit higher on the list of difficulty but still ... that's my job, I should be able to do this. I have a DVD/VCR for the living room but can't bring myself to try to hook it up.

My confidence is shaken. My electronic mojo is disturbed. I have to align myself somehow, find my center. Not easy when I feel achy and queasy all the time.

Maybe it's just the flu. Maybe it's stress. Maybe this too shall pass.

Yes, I think I'll keep telling myself that.

Thanks to the smartest monkey I know, my computer is back and better than ever. He blew out my hard drive (and no, that is not a euphamism ... though we've been trying our hardest to make it one) and reinstalled everything, just to make me happy. It may take me a while to get caught up on my reading and socializing (I miss reading blogs!) and, really, it's taking me a while to get my own feet under me here again, but I will and when I do I have lots to talk about. Just for starters:

MOVIES: This weekend, we went to see both The Corpse Bride and Serenity. Much candy was consumed. Life. is. good.

SCHOOL: Plodding along in these grad classes. Making little headway but losing my computer was the hardest thing there. I'll be better now.

WORK: Just got accepted into a program that gives me a LAPTOP just for learning. Going out to get a wireless router tonight. I am STOKED. You have no idea what this means to me. I would never EVER have been able to get myself one and have always wanted one. Can you say IM from bed? From Starbucks? From IHOP?!?!?! Not only do they have pumpkin pancakes that taste like fluffy little pumpkin pies but they have wireless, did you know that?

KIDS: I haven't killed them yet. That's quite an accomplishment.

So ... what's up with you?