February 2006 Archives

February 26, 2006


Whew, I know Valentine�s Day is SO over but 1) I�m still basking in the afterglow and 2) I�ve been crazy busy since and I�m just getting some downtime this weekend. And by downtime, I mean getting an oil change, an inspection and renewing the registration on my �Yota, cleaning my house, doing homework, doing piles of laundry, preparing for a Monday morning training session and putting in some serious Chibi Robo time.

I�m sitting in Greenville Toyota right now getting two of the above things done and while I have crowed about how nice it is here in the past, I�ll be holding off on that today. They are going through some serious renovations and I�m currently sitting in a doublewide that is serving as their waiting room. Hopefully, they are updating their old waiting area to match the rest of their dealership, particularly the Scion area (though they are tearing the roof off the Scion area right now so who knows what they are planning?) All I know is I'm in a car dealer on a Saturday morning and I haven't had coffee yet and I'm not exactly feeling fresh & fruity.

I�ll be leaving here to go to Starbucks to fuel up with a venti Caf� Americano so I can get through all the rest of my stuff. I'm hoping they still have free wireless ... it seems during the renovations here, their router ended up somewhere in a box so I'm reduced to writing in Word and posting later. Oh well, the best laid plans and all that.

Back to Valentine�s Day. Valentine�s Week, I should say. WARNING: If you have an aversion to reading lengthy posts that quite possibly contain giant hunks of cheese, and you know who you are, stop reading now! If you do decide to stop, though, you'll miss a review of a pretty awesome concert and more details of a childless weekend away in a hotel room and you'll never know what I said to the Internets about it. Just sayin'.

Now, I�ve never been a fan of Valentine's Day. While I was married, it was a non-holiday, just another reminder of the HUGE mistake I had made. In the time since, I had convinced myself (with a lot of help from a negative black hole of a friend) that Valentine�s Day was just another evil excuse to make men feel inadequate and women feel disappointed by setting our expectation bar so high that no one could ever come close to reaching it. No matter who you were, we reasoned, you were bound to lose out on Valentine's Day. Even kids get into the emotion manipulation with classroom Valentines and candy overload. I ended up boycotting anything and everything Valentine-like to show my solidarity with my friend.

Since then, I have realized that we most often hate the things we don't/can't have the most to steel ourselves from pain and disappointment. This has been proven time and again over the past 2 years with so many things I formerly hated ... church, Christmas, birthdays, Mother's Day ... seems a little happiness can go a long way to healing old wounds.

This year was different for me. Why? I have someone to actually call my own. Is that the only difference? Maybe not. Maybe I�m not so jaded anymore now that I�m with someone wonderful. Maybe my cynical side is slowly atrophying enough so that I can allow my loving, sweet, hopeful side to blossom.

Oh, I�m still anti-social. That part is hardwired. Here I am in a very public place where everyone seems perfectly fine and I�m sitting in a tiny room off the main sitting room of the waiting room, watching everything going on around me and interacting only with my laptop, as usual. I still separate myself from people at work, unwilling (unable?) to become one of �them�. I will always rather stay home than go out to a party or hurl myself into a crowd.

Maybe the only thing that is different is that I have someone. Maybe just knowing someone knows and understands and accepts and still loves in spite of it all is enough. Maybe he is just what I�ve been missing all my life. Could I really be so lucky?

Oh, I see you out there rolling your eyes, cringing that this is degenerating into a sentimental pile of cheese but you know what? It is and I know it is and I am emotional and you�ve always known that about me and you also know that I don�t let it out (read: put you through it) nearly as much as I want to and sometimes I really do get afraid that if I don�t let it out I�ll become so used to keeping it in again that I�ll forget how to let it out ever again and I�ll have to relearn how to love all over and I don�t think I can go through that kind of pain again so take it from me, letting it out is good. You should try it sometime. You might get all asplodey otherwise.

Anyway � our Valentine�s Day lasted at least a week. It started with some nummy presents arriving though the mail on Tuesday and, though I was too tired to imbibe in them at that moment, they were fully enjoyed when my Valentine showed up at my doorstep on Thursday afternoon. (�Wink, wink, nudge nudge! Say no more �� )

We had a full weekend of local insanity, which included watching DVDs and the Olympics on TV, a nice dinner at the OG without the kids, a trip to the movies with the monkey-loving girl (Curious George was soooo cute!!) and various shopping outings over the weekend so I could splurge a little with my tax return before we set off for our trip. YES! We took a trip. A trip to another state which required an overnight stay WITHOUT THE KIDS!!!!!!!! OMFGWTFBBQ!!11!!1!! HAhahaha!!!!! Hehe! Ahem �

Well, I was excited! This was our first real trip of any length without the kids and it would really show us whether or not we travel well together. Also, following on the heels of quite a bit of time without the kids over the weekend, it really made us feel like we could be ourselves and be a couple and do just what we wanted to do when we wanted to do it without having a major discussion about it and you know what???

I liked it.

YES, I feel guilty for enjoying my time away from my kids but only about *this* much. Which is not much. Which, apparently, upset the girl to no end but hell, when do I ever get to just do and be and enjoy and BREATHE without someone clinging to me?

No, I don�t really resent their neediness as much as it seems that I do. I know it�s my own fault that I have two not-so-small people that need me every minute of every day of their lives and yes, I realize I better enjoy it now before these days are over and I am faced with an empty house and nothing and no one that cares whether I�m there or not but that is then and this is now and right now I ENJOYED BEING AWAY FROM MY KIDS!


We will be visiting why I feel the need to justify at a later date.

About the trip ... that was part of our Valentine's present to each other. (yes, I got a present for VD ... ME ... w.o.w...) If you remember three months ago I was going absolutely nutso for some tickets, the first of those two concerts was on Monday night. YES, we were headed to the Chrysler Hall, Norfolk, VA stop on the Switched On tour of INXS. When he asked if we were doing Valentine's Day, I told him I thought the tickets were my present and that my present to him would be a hotel for the night so we wouldn't have to drive 3 hours back to Greenville at an ungodly hour.

Best idea ever.

Not only were we able to rest a bit before the concert, we got to cruise the mall that was attached to the lobby, score some EXCELLENT bargains at a going-out-of-business Suncoast, and have some dinner at a rather liesurely pace (even though the service gave us some minor fits). And did you know you get a huge, warm, ooey-gooey chocolate chip cookie when you check into a Doubletree Hotel? OMGasm.

And the concert ... OH ... let me tell you, I was over the top for this show. We were both tightly wound all day and got moreso the closer it got to 7, when the doors would open. We scored an amazing parking space right across the street from the gorgeous venue, got in a relatively short line at the door pretty close to the t-shirt vendor, got our t-shirts (can anyone tell me why vendors don't stock more t-shirts in XL and 2X when so much of the ticket buying public is that size? I had to settle for an unpretty shirt because it was the only 2X they had and I knew a XL would not give the girls any room to breathe). Once we finished paying, we found where we would be sitting and strolled around the lobby looking at all the old folks that were there at the concert.

HAhaha!! Old folks ... he constantly remarked that the audience was full of people that were our age, which tickles me because I have 6 years on him but whatever ... I appreciate him making me feel younger than I am. Part of his charm. To be fair, we saw people from the ages of 8 - 80 there ... I don't think I've ever seen such a diverse crowd at a concert.

(I have no misconceptions that Motley Crue will be like this ... )

We had really good seats in the dress circle ... they weren't on the floor but they weren't nosebleed, either ... and we had a clear shot of the stage. We settled into our seats and people watched, checking out the stage and the lighting design. Since we've both been in stage productions, we know just what goes into these shows and that makes us appreciate them even more. Let me tell you, the sound system set up for this gig was phenomenal but I don't think we realized how good it would sound until the opening band took the stage ... which was ... Marty Casey & the Lovehammers!!!!!!

I was a fan of the Lovehammers before we got to the show but when they took the stage and completely commanded it for 45 minutes, I became a lifetime member of the Lovehammers fan club. In a word ... WOW. This is a band that enjoys playing together, that knows how to keep a show moving and get the audience on its feet. The music was tight and the lyrics were both accessible and intelligible for first time listeners. I was already hooked on 3 or 4 songs off their new album but after that show and listening to them nonstop all week, I'm hard-pressed to find a song I DON'T like. T would say I like them just because Marty is the lead singer and I have to agree to a point ... I was seriously rooting for him to win RockstarINXS to the point of crying when he didn't. Marty embodies the kind of singer I really like. He's a musician first, he sings with passion about things that mean a lot to him and he puts his whole body and soul into his music. He is sexual without forcing it, naturally open onstage and genuinely in touch with his audience. When he takes the mic, you know it's because he LOVES what he does, not because it's a job. I truly believe that the Lovehammers would put this much of themselves into every show whether they were opening up for INXS or playing in their basement ... I'm just glad the world is getting a chance to meet them.

Yeah, Marty Casey is a Rock Star and his band complements him well. He is larger than life while they support him but together they work as a cohesive unit. Phenomenal show.

Personal highlights:

Listening to the audience sing along to songs I know so well, especially when he sang Trees, the entire place was singing!

Marty was all over the place, from the footlights to scaling the speakers at the back of the stage and even into the audience to connect up close and personal. Excellent energy.

Like a good front man, he kept the show going ... only stopping twice to talk for any time with the audience (once to thenk INXS, which I thoguht was classy, and to announce that they would be signing autographs after the show) and once to introduce a 'special song that you all know, something we hope everyone will sing along to ... and it was ...

Ring of Fire!!! What a great cover, a great choice as evidenced by the entire audience on its feet singing along ... a salute to the man in black which was very fitting and very cool.

Personal lowlight:

When I screamed like a little girl when Marty walked onstage. I couldn't help it. The scary conductor dude commanded me.

After the rocking 45 minute Lovehammers show (which could have gone on longer, IMHO), we had a 15 minute intermission before INXS. During this time, we listened to the chatter around us and chatted ourselves. The brood of hens behind us was busy clucking away about how excited they were to see JD, single-finger texting and talking at the same time until it sounded like we were in the middle of a barnyard. I made quietly snarky comments and clucked along with them to kill time, hoping to get T to smile, which I did. *yay*

Then it was finally time for INXS. We waited 20 years for this concert and we were both on pins and needles, not knowing how we would stomach JD as a front man. As I said in my last post about this, I loved Michael and mourned his passing bitterly ... JD is no Michael Hutchence ... but he sure did try to act like him (key word there being act).

Opening strains of Suicide Blonde filled the concert hall and I felt T cringe ... not fair, them hitting him with his favorite right off the bat but, as he said, better to get it over with rather than dread it all night, like I had to with 'Never Tear us Apart'. Once the band got going, I could feel T relaxing into the experience ... this was, after all, INXS. While looking at and listening to JD made me more than slightly nauseous, I came up with the unique trick of focusing on the BAND, the guys I have loved for 2 decades, and avoiding JD. Unfortunately, it looked to me as if he was working very hard to get everyone to notice him, which gave me the distinct impression that he was still auditioning for the gig he had already won. I'm not sure if it was just me or what but I didn't see a cohesive whole on the stage. I got a very standoffish vibe from some of the bandmembers but I may have been wanting to see that.

We came up with the trick of, whenever JD did something that totally annoyed us (cunnilingus on the mic stand *ewwwww* during 'Taste It', dry humping the speakers or talking waaaaayy too much between each and every song), we would give the band a thumbs up with our thumbs conveniently over the space where JD was standing. Now, I went in there wanting to give the boy a chance ... after all, he has helped my boys get back into the fickle favor of the music listening public ... and I do have to admit that I like most of "Switch", the new album ... but those songs were written for JD to sing and he can hit those notes. When he tried to hit the chorus on Don't Change and he had to use an obnoxious falsetto, it about killed me. I almost had to leave until the song was over. (For the record, Marty KILLED Don't Change on Rockstar and I listen to the MP3 just about every day, so this was a real disappointment). JD, DO Change ... the way you sing that song.

Personal highlights:
Kirk was having a blast, his sax sounding as sexy as ever. He showed off his amazing musical versatility, too, switching back and forth from sax to guitar with ease. Always a little freaky-deaky, sometimes the interplay between him and JD left me feeling uneasy, as though I wanted to shower.

Andrew was quietly awesome on keyboards, a maestro that knows his work will stand up to the test.

Jon was HOT and on point on drums (though I've read since that he was coming off being ill, there were no signs that night).

Tim was supremely cool on his gorgeous guitar (and looking pretty hot for an old guy!), flinging his sunglasses off at one point and tossing picks into the audience. He's not flashy but he is a riveting presence ... and in leather pants, no less!!

As for Garry ... he was looking good, sounding amazing and having FUN. I always did have a thing for bass players and he is an enigmatic one.

Personal lowlights:

How much JD bothered me. I tried. Really I did. I WANTED to like him in spite of everything I had seen on the show. Instead of the raw sexual energy that Michael brought to stage, the kind that mesmerized you and made you squirm every time you looked at him, JD is all panting masturbation and sexual frustration. Like a clumsy puppy that wants to please his master so badly he ends up peeing on the carpet, JD just tried too damn hard. His Elvis roots were showing, too, something that I don't think I'll ever be able to get over.

Also ... Afterglow brought me to tears ... I miss Michael. Period.

Never Tear us Apart ... my favorite INXS song, 'our song' in my mind, especially since reimmersing myself in their music over the last 8 months or so. It hit me how much I loved it, with Kirk's sexy sax waiting and the audience singing right over JD ... all I wanted to do during the song was slow dance with my guy and I didn't have the guts to reach out and grab him, or even to sing it to him. I knew he was dealing with his own anti-JD emotions and I didn't want to intrude on his intensity for my needs. He's all I think about when I hear it, though. And now he knows.

Highlights from the trip:

The P & S Oasis, a gas station from another century. Not only was it in the center of a one stop-sign town, it had gas pumps from the early days of horseless carriages. We looked at them when we drove up and laughed because neither of us were sure we knew how to use them! I let T be the man and rescue me � seriously, it�s been over 10 years since I went into a gas station to pay for gas. No pay at the pump?? Surely you jest!! The sign on the window boasted that they served Oasisly Fried chicken, whatever the hell that was.

How well we traveled together. True test of a relationship is if you can sit in a car together and drive down the most boring highway in the world and not kill each other and not run out of things to say. (US 17 is just that, 2 lanes and nothing, but NOTHING to look at ... but we had a GOOD time just being together.)

Just being with my best friend. Yeah ... Best Valentine Ever ... he is.

*it took me 2 days to write this post ... I started yesterday morning and just finished tonight. I did a whole lot in the in between time but I just didn't feel like going back to change the details and verb tenses so ... there you are. Imperfect, warts and all.

A bad weekend for character actors

RIP Mr. Limpet.

RIP Old Man.


* I was actually waiting for the third to post but hopefully this time they won't come in threes.*

February 15, 2006

I am a freak

Apparently, I'm not a normal woman.

Working in a building that is full of women, I find that I have very few people I talk to as if they were friends ... and most of them are men. Why? I don't know. Maybe its because men don't make you feel small.

Maybe I'm just out of my element. Half of the women here are <30 years old. They are just starting their careers, getting engaged, newlyweds, having babies, buying houses, buying cars, having parties, going to parties, partying ... not that I begrudge them. I just can't relate to them. The other half is >50 years old. They are at the end of their careers, married, kids in college, planning their retirement ... I don't begrudge them, either. I just can't relate to them.

I just don't fit. I'm smack dab in the middle ... 41, single, two teenagers, in grad school, renting, scraping, pinching pennies. I don't get pedicures every three weeks or get my hair cut every 6. I don't love to shop or have people over my house. I don't have time. It's not a priority.

Maybe that's it. Maybe my priorities are screwed up.

I don't like to gossip.
I don't like to be in a 'clique'.
I don't like to leave people out of 'cliques'.
I don't like to tear other people down to lift myself up.
I don't like to point out other people's mistakes. I'm not perfect.
I don't like to show off what I have. Not that I have anything but if I did, I wouldn't show it off.
I let my work stand on its own merit and hope that someday someone will recognize that I do a good job.
I don't make a lot of money. Sure I would like more but I'm not willing to sacrifice time with my kids for it.

I'll tell you what brought this on. An email. A simple email that made me feel about *this* big. An email pointing out that I screwed up yesterday and that someone else picked up the slack for me. Not that anyone asked me to fix the problem or let me try to fix it ... nope, just fixed it, went around complaining that she had to fix it and then let me know, in a very public way, that she had.

Normally, I would just email everyone back, publicly apologizing in such a way that the person sending the email ended up feeling guilty that they hadn't come to me first. Ok, I did that, too. But I did something else, too. I got angry. I took it to heart.

I don't screw up, not like this. I had to miss an important meeting (of a committee that I am both Chair and my team rep) and I made the mistake of not getting a rep from my team to take my place. I knew a month ago I couldn't make the meeting and then I got focused on the workshop and what I needed to do for that, on getting a sub to cover for me, on doing homework, on thinking about this weekend and a trip next weekend ... all while trying to shake this bronchitis while taking care of two sick kids and I forgot. I FORGOT.

Yeah, I know, it's a mistake but still ... I forgot. I let myy team down. And to add insult to injury, I get very publically, very cattily called on it.

Eh. RTFM ... I'm human.

But at the same time, I'm human and I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt.
I'm tired of being made to feel as though I'm not good enough, as though I don't do enough.
I'm tired of people that don't have a life that just wait for something to happen so that their sad, pathetic little existences can be exciting. Go live vicariously on your own.

I have a headache now. A whopper. I have a paper to write, a house to clean, clothes to pack, shoes to buy, bills to pay, kids to care for and a workshop to teach tomorrow. I don't have time for this.

February 11, 2006

Opening thoughts

I love Love LOVE the Olympics. The pageantry, the comraderie, the freakin' performances! Oh, and I like the athletes, too.

The opening ceremony in Turin was all that I expected. Thought they were a little heavy on the disco, the music was perfect for a party.

The highs:

1. A sneak peek at the downhill practice. This is going to be an amazing competition. The fact that the Americans are still competing for a spot on the team is mind blowing.
2. The sun and moon balloons. Beautifully painted, impossibly gorgeous.
3. The Ferrari!!! An F1 doing donuts, screaming louder than the crowd.
4. The perfectly choreographed 'ski jumper'. That SO rocked.
5. La Bomba!!!! It was so good to see Alberto Tomba bringing the torch in.
6. Pavarotti ... the man has the perfect tenor voice. Though he sings opera, he doesn't do it with any of the annoying vibrato that other tenors are guilty of overusing (I'm talking to you, Domingo). He sang one of my favorite arias, 'Nessun Dorma'. By the end, my skin is one huge goosebump and I'm practically sobbing. Perfect pitch does that to me. Weird, hunh?

The lows:
1: Bob Costas is an officious prick. The fact that he thinks he has to tell us what we are seeing, that we are too stupid to 'get' it, pisses me off.
2. The beating heart was a little weird ... the cow print dance outfits, wtf? ... the bubble heads ... ok, there were a few things I just didn't get. On the up side, neither did Bob.
2. Athletes being banned already. Sadness. Hopefully this will get cleared up.

Ok, day one down. I'll be glued to the set for the next 17.

February 10, 2006

On beauty

You know how some beautiful women know they are beautiful but they still fish for compliments by saying things like "but I'm not as pretty as so-and-so ...", making any available male within 100 yards of them pounce on the opportunity to be the first to compliment them and *hopefully* get a chance to get in their pants?

You know how some women try so hard to make their outsides as attractive as possible no matter the cost so that they feel as though they are worthwhile, never remembering that it's the inside that really matters?

You know how they say true beauty comes from within, that if you feel beautiful, you will radiate beauty that will be undeniable? Maybe that's my problem.

I know I'm not beautiful. I've known it all my life. I was always the ugly duckling, the outcast, the one about whom was always remarked "but she has such a nice personality." No one else has ever thought I was pretty, either, and if they did, they didn't tell me. Would someone calling me beautiful or gorgeous change my self-perception? Guess I'll never know.

You know how hard it is to go through every day knowing you aren't beautiful, that no one thinks you are beautiful, and still look at yourself in the mirror? When the standard of beauty is young, stick-thin, blond, tan, surgically enhanced sex-pot, it's almost impossible, expecially for someone that doesn't fit any of those requirements.


Not sure where I'm going with this. Here I sit with a Masters, an overall 4.0 GPA in grad school, two kids and a great guy that love me, a roof over my head and I can't help but feel inadequate and ashamed of how I look. Do looks really matter? Apparently they do to me. I never thought being told I was pretty or I looked good was important to how I feel but I guess I'm simpler than I thought.

What brought this on? Maybe being sick and alone and feeling like a dishrag. If one more person tells me I look terrible this week, I don't know what I'll do. Prolly whine some more.

February 8, 2006


100 things

Ok, ok, I've seen these on other sites and I tried it, oh so many times. I never finish. I usually get off on a tangent or distracted by something shiny and just forget about it.

I've been sick the past few days, though, and haven't been able to do much more than think so, here it is. 100 things you never knew (or wanted to know) about me.

100 things

1. I believe in fate/divine intervention/whatever you want to call it. All I know is I am where I am because it is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.
2. Because of that faith, I can get through just about anything.
3. I was brought up as a Roman Catholic.
4. I left the church at 12. It was a difficult decision but one I made on my own.
5. I have been to many other houses of worship and studied many faiths. I even went through a brief atheist phase.
6. Speaking of faith, I am more spiritual than secular. Therein lies my problem with the Catholic Church. Oh, that and original sin.
7. I know we are not alone. There is no possible way that humans are the most intelligent life form. If so, we have wasted a golden opportunity by being so egoistic.
8. I frequently think about the tenuousness of life, how random and delicate the balance is, and it frightens me, sometimes to the point of panic. We are surviving because a star is burning at the perfect temperature the perfect distance away from this perfectly chemically balanced blue marble ... yet we continue to pump chemicals into our atmosphere and our water and destroy rainforests and obliterate whole species ... who's to say we aren't next.
9. If we were next, I don't think it would bother me very much. Except for that whole dying thing, I would say we deserve what we get.
10. I think too much.
11. I don't tell people what I'm thinking very often.
12. When I do, I usually get it wrong.
13. I get the feeling I've done this before quite a lot. Yup, déjà vu. A LOT.
14. I have asthma.
15. I am allergic to dust, mold and mildew.
16. I am a bad housekeeper.
17. I make myself sick often by not keeping my house spotless.
18. If I could afford it, I would have a housekeeper. I can't help it if I suck at cleaning.
19. I will someday be able to afford it, dammit.
20. Every allergy attack, every cold, can turn into something serious.
21. I tend to freak out when I can't find my inhaler which, in turn, makes the attack worse. Self-perpetuating, I know.
22. I hate going to the doctor.
23. If I'm making a doctor's appointment, I'm either really REALLY scared or someone is making me go.
24. I hate going to the dentist even more.
25. If I make a dentist appointment, someone has held a gun to my head.
26. Because of the above, I'm pretty good at self-diagnosis.
27. I saw a shrink for 4 years. I was on meds for the whole time.
28. I stopped going, and stopped meds, after I got a divorce. I made the decision on my own after coming to the conclusion that I could live with the melancholia but I couldn't live with the severe depression and suicidal thought that the x inspired. Amazing how once he was gone, my symptoms all but disappeared. No panic attacks for 5 years now. Go figure.
29. I still experience grey patches but I'm better equipped to handle them now. I also make sure everyone around me knows that I need some space.
30. I just realized I missed the anniversary of my divorce. It usually hits me sometime during that wonderful day in January but I totally missed it this year. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure of the exact date right now. Proof that it does get easier.
31. Being divorced with kids, however, doesn't get easier. They grow up and it's inevitable that one parent will shatter any remaining illusions of unconditional love that the kids may be clinging to.
32. It's so hard to tell your kids that true love lasts forever and is worth waiting for when you are divorced.
33. As a divorced parent, I often struggle with the feeling that I have failed my children. At the same time, I know that if I had stayed married, I would not be here today and that would have been worse for my kids.
34. I just realized I have devoted the last 5 things to my divorce. Moving on ...
35. I'm happily involved in a wonderful relationship. It's not perfect (distance sucks) but it's better than I ever thought I deserved. Yup, I'm in lurve.
36. I am, by nature, a jealous person. This comes from being cheated on and blindsided with it. Trust is tough for me.
37. I am also, by nature, a loyal person. I have few friends and only one love. Just the way I am.
38. My kids are the reason I am where I am today.
39. Sometimes I resent them for that.
40. I used to drink more than I do now ... which is none. Personal choice, nothing against drinkers but I just don't see the point in self-medicating.
41. My family tree is full of alcoholics.
42. I don't like to call in sick to work.
43. If I do call in sick, I worry all day about what I will find when I get back.
44. Many days I will get to work and wonder why I came in and then have to turn around and go home for half a day. Some days, like today, I get stuck at work because I can't find a substitute.
45. I am a laid back person for the most part.
46. I don't lose my temper very often. I tend to simmer. When I do lose it, however, watch out.
47. I am passive aggressive. I don't always tell you when something is bothering me but you will know.
48. I don't like conflict.
49. Loud noises (loud voices) scare me.
50. Loud music relaxes me.
51. I love to sing along with loud music ... loudly.
52. I just love singing.
53. I got into community musical theater when I was 12. Our first production was Godspell.
54. I got into the theater department in junior high and stayed in it through high school.
55. I sang in a barbershop quartet group, the Sweet Adelines, for two years (age 16-18). We went to competition and everything. I was a baritone.
56. I almost didn't go to college. I met a girl through Sweet Adelines and we became a duo singing in local bars in my senior year. My aunt wrote me a letter telling me that I should never be in anyone's shadow, that if I was going to skip college, I needed to be the star. I quit the duo and enrolled in college.
57. I got accepted to Syracuse and Emerson but my father wouldn't pay. I ended up going to Salem State College. I often wonder how different my life would have been if I had gone to Emerson.
58. I moved out of my mother's house 2 weeks after my 18th birthday. She told me again and again that as soon as I was old enough I was moving out and I did.
59. The day I moved out, she told me she wasn't serious.
60. I hate Hate HATE being late.
61. I don't like fast food ... unless you call hole-in-the-wall Chinese fast food.
62. I love daisies. They have a fresh, clean grass smell, unlike other stinkier flowers like lilies (funereal) and lilacs (old ladies). Not yellow ones (though I wouldn't object to a thousand yellow daisies someday). Volunteer ox-eye daisies just grab at my heart, too. My kids used to pick them for me at our old house.
63. I love to move. Not dance, necessarily ... can't stand nightclubs ... but looking in someone's eyes and just moving together, as if there is no one else watching.
64. I only have a few pieces of jewelry that I wear. Gold claddagh ring (will give to someone someday for a wedding ring, if he'll have it), silver art ring with a moonstone, surgical steel hoops (5) in my ears.
65. I love earrings on a guy.
66. Hoping to get a tattoo next month. (Kanji symbol for 'Read' ... or Serenity ... this is why I keep putting it off.)
67. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters
68. I am an only child.
69. I love to hold hands
70. I don't like wearing makeup.
71. If I don't wear makeup, I scare the children.
72. I need to wear sunglasses if the sun is out. Something to do with my eyes being so light ... oh, and the time I fried them in the tanning booth.
73. I have had one manicure in my life ... and I have never had a pedicure.
74. I'm still learning what it's like to have my own opinions.
75. I like having my own opinions.
76. I hate glitter ... and sequins ... and ribbons and lace and other embellishments.
77. I'm not high maintenance. I'm the opposite of high maintenance. Negative maintenance.
78. I don't think I'm pretty. Never have.
79. My hair is weird ... but I have finally learned to manage it.
80. My eyes are my best feature ... they are big, green and expressive.
81. My eyes are my worst feature ... they show every flicker of emotion, every flinch, every wince. Damn them.
82. I miss the ocean. Not the heat and the sand and the sun ... I like a good rocky beach, a brisk breeze, ocean spray. New England Ocean ... too cold to swim in but lots of personality. I don't swim much since my brush with a riptide in the Gulf of Mexico.
83. I have, at most, 5 pairs of shoes. Sneakers, 2 pairs of sandals, 2 pairs of black for work. Just don't see the need for more. I wear my New Balance every day.
84. I have 2 or 3 handbags. Again, who needs more?
85. I don't like to try clothes on before I buy them. Dressing rooms are evil black holes of destroyed self-esteem. Witness the last time I tried on jeans. *ugh*
86. I don't wear perfume/cologne. Can't stand it. Drives my asthma nuts. Don't like it on my man, either.
87. I do use body wash and body spray from Bath & Body works. It's one indulgence I enjoy.
88. Favorite scents: Vanilla Sugar, Cotton Blossom, Juniper Breeze ... anything fruity.
89. I don't like full-calorie sodas and drinks. I'll kill a 2 liter Diet Mt. Dew before you can blink, though.
90. Coffee ... nectar of the gods. Black, strong, with Splenda. Not for wimps.
91. As a treat, I like Mountain Mudd's sugar free syrups. Favorite combo - pink chocolate (raspberry/white chocolate). OMGasm.
92. I read. A lot. It's rare that you will find me without a book going.
93. I hate romance/chick novels. These people wouldn't know romance if it hit them on the head. Giving without resentment, without expecting anything back. Unconditional love. If I'm having a bad day and someone takes the time to just sit and wait for me, in case I want to talk ... or makes me laugh when all I feel like doing is crying ... or distracts me long enough for the pain to fade so I can turn around and face it, and then stands by me while I face it ... that's romantic to me.
94. I hate chick flicks. See above.
95. I hate stereotypes and bigotry, ignorance and small-mindedness.
96. Sometimes I wonder if I'm normal. I usually don't like anything that is marketed for women/girls. From Barbie's to books, from video games to movies. I don't like to male-bash ... I love males ... most of my best friends have been male. I will x bash but not all x's, just mine. I guess it comes down to sexism. Humans are humans and I don't see the reason for sex differentiation.
97. I also don't see how people can put so much stock in the color of someone's skin. It's just SKIN people. A bag that keeps your insides in. People of different colors don't act differently ... I do think people of different cultures act differently, but colors? I don't see it. I don't think it should be so emphasized with our kids, either. We are raising a generation of bigots by living as if its all Us vs. Them. .
98. I love Love LOVE spring. Rebirth, a new chance. Watching buds unfold and eggs hatch gives me hope.
99. I don't feel 41.
100. I've never finished one of these before. *gasp!*

February 5, 2006

Because I am a lemming...

Four Jobs You've Had in Your Life

1) Pizza Baker - First job I ever had. Began a life-long love affair with pizza.
2) College Radio DJ - WMWM, 99.5 FM, Salem State College, Salem, MA. I was known as SharonO. LOVED it.
3) Whale Watch worker - Ticket booth, launch driver
4) Bartender - Fabulous Chinese restaurant in Salem with a nightclub upstairs. Learned a LOT about human nature there.

Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over

1) As Good as it Gets - Jack is totally OCD but chenges himself for the woman he loves.
2) Bringing up Baby - Silly, madcap comedy, Cary & Katherine, just makes me laugh out loud!
3) Star Wars: A New Hope - I *almost* forgot how much I loved this movie until I watched it again last year. Like falling in love for the first time all over again.
4) It's a Wonderful Life - Every year I watch it and every year I cry, dammit!
(this was SO impossible to only pick 4)

Four Places You've Lived

1) Peabody (MA) -hometown
2) Lynn (MA) - I'll never forgive my mother for moving us here
3) Salem (MA) - moved there as soon as I could move out
4) Greenville (NC) - 10 years and counting

Four TV Shows You Love to Watch

1) Survivor - every season I say it's my last but I keep going back.
2) Gilmore Girls - surviving single mom, how can I not love it.
3) Criminal Minds - I've only watched it twice but I'm hooked.
4) Most any reality show - I'm afraid to really claim I love any show because as soon as I do it gets cancelled.

Four Places You've Been on Vacation

1) Toronto
2) Niagra Falls (in Canadia, eh?!)
3) Alligator Point, FL (palmetto bugs as big as cats *shudder*)
4) Tampa, FL
(notice how I've never ventured out of the swath of the East Coast?)

Four Websites You Visit Daily

1) The Superficial - I hate celebrity watching and this makes it funny.
2) Sweetney - she's funny, smart & honest.
3) Slashdot - News for nerds ... what?
4) Monkeyshines - I've love to surf in (even if he hasn't updated) just to see my name in the tagline

Four of Your Favorite Foods

1) Hunan shrimp - actually, this is a copout, because ANYTHING from a Chinese restaurant is my favorite
2) Popcorn - could live on the stuff
3) Pizza - the perfect food
4) Coffee - not necessarily a food but it's one of the major food groups, right?

Four Places You'd Rather Be
1) Asleep next to him
2) Curled up on the couch with him
3) Lying in his arms
4) Visiting the pit - hmm, sensing a trend here ...

Four Albums You Can't Live Without
NOOOO!!! Not fair! I can't do without any of my music. (Currently on an INXS bander in anticipation of seeing them live this month!)

Most people that have participated in this have tagged 4 other people but since I don't even have 4 regular visitors, I'm tagging anyone that visits. So there.

February 1, 2006

To be continued...

I've noticed that I have the habit of glancing off of touchy topics with the tag line more about that later ... but I hardly ever get around to the more and it keeps getting later and later.

This is, of course, not just something I do here, in my writing, though why I do it here, where I exist in relative safety and anonymity, is something to look at. This really is the story of my life. When things get too close to the crux, to the truth, I pull back, glance off, shy away with the promise that I'll take care of it later.

Sometimes so much time passes that I figure that the point is moot, that no one will remember what the big deal was in the first place and really, after a while, it really doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. I've worked very hard to be one of those people that doesn't look back, that just moves forward, each day a clean slate. It's foreign to my nature, though. I'm convinced that by examining and resolving my past mistakes, I can make sure I don't repeat them in the future. I'm guilty of overthinking many situations, though, of taking a seemingly inconsequential moment in time and making it a great sinkhole of guilt that I feel I have to crawl my way out of.

The good thing about this is that I know this about myself and I if can see myself beginning to reflog a long dead horse, I will usually pull myself away and therein lies the problem. HA! No shit. There ya go. And to think I went to a shrink for 4 years to tell me what I could eventually have figured out myself.

Procrastination is my only excuse as to why I don't finish these poor abandoned thoughts. That and the realization that none of *this* changes anything and maybe, just maybe, no one cares but me.

But we'll talk more about that later ...

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