November 2005 Archives

November 23, 2005

A good sign

I have today off. It's been forever since I took the day before Thanksgiving off. Actually it's been since I was unemployed since I did this. I was very lucky to be able to take today off. Why did I take today off? Traveling? Cooking? No. Homework. I've got projects to finish and no time to do them. I was all set when I learned I could take the day off to do nothing but hunker down and knock out the rest of my class.

Then Friday I heard it. A LOUD thumping under my car. It sounded to me like the muffler was falling off. It only happened when it was very cold out, though, so I thought maybe something was loose, something that, at normal temperatures, would fit tight but in the cold would shrink a bit and cause air to get out. It was too late Friday afternoon to make it across town so I took it Saturday to my Toyota Dealer ... Greenville Toyota, to be exact, whose praises I will be singing later. After putting it up on the lift, the mechanic motioned for me to come see what he saw.

There it was, an inch long rip in the side of my exhaust, and the dangling piece that was once attached to it. Not sure how that happened. All we can figure is that I hit something and I'm thinking it was a piece of tire that bounced up on one of our late night highway drives. Luckily, the car is under warranty and here I sit, on my morning off, waiting for the exhaust on my pretty baby to be replaced.

Which brings me to the singing praises part. Driving across town this morning, I said to my daughter "You know, it would be good customer service if they offered wireless internet access there. In a restaurant it's nice but in a place that you have to sit and wait?? How much happier their customers would be if they could make good use of their time."

And lo and behold, they have it. *angels singing*

And what am I doing with my time? Procrastinating Blogging.

If you build it, they will come. Whether they work or not is another thing.

November 16, 2005

No Frackin' Way!!!

Ok, I know I've mentioned here how lucky I am. Today just tops them all.

I'm at work this morning, dragging my bedraggled ass because I've made myself sick over everything lately, and feeling really sorry for myself. I told my assistant I needed to go home at noon ... she starts calling for a sub, I call my principal to let her know and settle in at my desk to write up a sub plan.

As I am wont to do *only, like, a MILLION times a day* I checked my email. A message from T, subject 'Woot!'. FIRST THING that popped in my head was that he was excited about his XBox 360 coming but, when I opened it, I about fell out of my seat.

He got us tickets to see INXS.

*Oh JOY!!*

We watched Rockstar this summer, both eager to see one of our all-time favorite bands perform again, both torn because Michael wasn't there. Would we still love their music? Could anyone replace him? The answer to the first one is a resounding YES! The second one, can JD replace Michael ... no, he can't nor would I want him to try ... but he can help them find a new sound and get back on top.

T knows how I feel and he's totally sold on a new INXS. No need to be sorry, babe. Did I want JD to win? No, I couldn't stand him and I was actually angry when he won ... still working that out, silly as it sounds. I wanted Marty to win and I used that as an excuse to be angry ... but now I think I just didn't want Michael to be really gone. How do you move on from that? How do you replace his talent? You don't. You reinvent.

I'm getting the best of both worlds, a dream come true. I get to see INXS live ... AND I get to see Marty live. MARTY! I was so excited about that prospect that I forgot he would be performing Trees, my absolute favorite original song that came out of Rockstar. Yeah, I like Pretty Vegas, too, T ... I just hate to admit it! You know I'll be singing along!

Wait ... I actually get the best of three worlds ... I get to see all of that with T, the only person I would want to see it with, the only person that understands how I'll be feeling that night and why I want so desperately to fall in love with them again. It's ok, we'll be together and we'll fall in love with the new incarnation together, I just know it. Maybe we'll both have closure over losing Michael. I think our torn strange addiction to the show this summer proved that we need something. We're actually doing the adult thing ... a date-like thing ... hopefully staying overnight since it's 3 hours from here. I may get my hotel wish after all.

BUT WAIT ... that's not all!!!!

November 7, 2005

Blood in my mouth

If you recognize the title, you know that it's one of my favorite Incubus songs. It's one I've screamed at the top of my lungs many times back when I lived out in the rural wastelands of Eastern NC, back in the day when I could scream at the top of my lungs without anyone hearing me. Not that it was a good thing, just that I could. Many times I wished someone could have heard me screaming, but I digress ...

Today is an unusual test of my fortitude and grace. I've always believed that God gives us tasks and tests just to see how we stand up to them, whether we lower ourselves or rise above. I'm trying to desperately to rise above, to be a gracious loser, to accept defeat and move on. It's not been easy.

Let me describe the setting for you. Last week, as you may have read, I was off at a training session for Intel, in preparation for teaching the course I'm taking right now. This, of course, was because I was being considered for the position that would have me teaching this course.

Now, if you've been keeping up, you know that I didn't get the job. That was followed by much weeping and gnashing of teeth and self-doubt, just about every reaction you could expect from someone who had their heart set on a promotion but they got passed over in favor of someone else. Maybe more, because I'm childish and emotional and not as schooled at being pwned at this level.

Yes, I've grieved the loss of this opportunity and tried not to keep hope alive that some deus ex machina will arrive to solve my dilemma. I'm realistic and I know it's all but a done deal.

So, I show up for my training today (yeah, the one I got trained how to teach last week) and outside the room is the man whose job I wanted talking to the woman that got it over me. Talk about a long walk. I got myself prepared, walking, I thought, a la the intro to Reservoir Dogs, all slo mo and cool. I was Mr. Pink *in my head* and God dammit, I wasn't going to show them that they had hurt me.

Smiling, pleasantries, duck inside to the relative safety to walk into the teacher of this course, the one that would have been my partner, the one that didn't think I was qualified. Uncomfortable pleasantries exchanged and I excuse myself to find a seat.

Ok, 2 minutes down, 5:58 to go.

I stayed behind for lunch, preferring to work here rather than fight traffic to drive 1.4 miles to my house, have cold pizza and then back.

Tried calling for reinforcement but had to leave a message. S'ok, hearing the voice on the message was almost enough. He's prolly about sick of me at this point after yesterday.

People are coming back and I will continue to be the friendly, pleasant, professional person everyone knows me as. I refuse to break down. They can't break me no matter how they have broken my heart.

High fives to better judgement.
By saying less, I will gain more.
Low twos to you my fickle friend,
who brought the art of silent war.

November 5, 2005

A sign of the times

I guess it was inevitable. Some people think we have become cliche. We, meaning bloggers.

And here I am preparing a presentation for my district about blogging and education. In MY neck of the woods, no one blogs or even knows what a blog is. Except me, of course. I'm guessing that's why I got tagged for this presentation.

So here's the dilemma. If I'm teaching about blogging, is it still cool? Do I really care? Is that why I'm *into* blogging? I've ALWAYS said that once my mother could use the word blog correctly in a sentence, I'm out. That's not happening anytime soon, btw.

I guess I'm with Sweetney on this one. I've put in 5 years already and, though I've gone through many different phases, I've always come back. I don't look at it as a fad or a way to be popular. I use my blog as a tool of communication. Whether it's in the news or not, whether people read me or not, I'll still do this. I'm the level-headed one that likes to stick around and see how things play out.

November 3, 2005

On being alone

I never thought I would say this but I'm *almost* tired of being alone.

I know, I know ... I'm not right. This is the first time I've been alone for any length of time in almost 14 years and I'm not absolutely loving it.

Wait, I take that back. I do love some parts of it.

I love getting ready at my own pace and doing what I want when I want. Not sharing a bathroom rocks.

I hate being alone in such a big bed when I can't sleep.

I love watching what I want to watch on TV and being able to shut it off when I want to.

I hate having to turn the TV on just so I don't feel so out of my element.

I love not having to talk ... just being silent sometimes. Sure, I talk a lot at the workshop, collaborating, brainstorming, and all that, but the small talk just kills me. I look forward to getting in my car and driving down the highway listening to what I want to listen to on the MP3 player to unwind.

I hate not having anyone to talk to when I see something I want to share.

I love making plans and then changing my mind without having to explain it to anyone.

I hate being in charge of everything all the time. Granted, it's not so bad just being in charge of me but that's a lot of decisions every day, just to stay safe. I don't feel totally safe alone.

I love feeling important and anonymous at the same time. I'm a traveler, a stranger, a writer, a business person on a mission, too busy to linger and too important to waste my time. Heh, you can take the girl out of the theater, but you can't take the theater out of the girl.

Honestly, though, that is the only way I can function in this situation, by pretending I'm important. I feel like its all playacting. I hate not being able to let my guard down and just be myself, unimportant, goofy, ordinary me.

I love being able to get whatever I want for dinner ... and not having to share. I've had shrimp 4 nights in a row now. Could I do that with the kids? Nope, I would have felt guilty about spending money and I would have gotten the cheapest thing on the menu.

I hate eating alone. Tonight I got curbside pickup from Ham's and brought it back here. It would have been nice to be able to sit in the restaurant, enjoy some conversation, but if it's not with someone I actually like talking to, well, yeah, nevermind.

It's a love/hate relationship, me being alone. Sometimes I think I'll be alone forever. I don't want that. I really thought I could never get enough of this but, guess what? I pounced on the phone when it rang tonight. Of course, half of the pounce was because it scared me but the other half was because I had just been wishing the phone would ring. I needed to hear the voice on the other end more than I could tell him.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't mind being alone but I would rather not be. I especially would rather not be alone while I'm staying in this hotel, in this big, huge bed, rattling around in this big huge room. But it's just one more night and I've got the phone right here.

Wow, I suck at traveling.

Apparently, I travel about as well as a linen shirt. Hey, I thought it was funny when I just said it out loud ...

November 2, 2005

Have I thanked my lucky stars lately?

well, I need to ... because I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

I'm not used to having anything good. I expect happiness to be fleeting and anything healthy in my life to go away.

This isn't.

I'm not gonna get all schmaltzy but w o w. I'm not alone. I really think I can believe in this.

inside my fortune cookie yesterday: "what you are waiting for will come true"

So maybe I am going to get all schmaltzy but if you don't want to see it, don't read on ... no really.

Ok, don't forget I warned you ...

Head Over Feet

I had no choice but to hear you.
You stated your case time and again.
I thought about it.

You treat me like I'm a princess.
I'm not used to liking that.
You ask how my day was.

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet.
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are.
I couldn't help it,
It's all your fault.

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole.
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for.
That's not lip service.

You've already won me over in spite of me.
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet.
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are.
I couldn't help it,
It's all your fault.

You are the bearer of unconditional things.
You held your breath and the door for me.
Thanks for your patience.

You're the best listener that I've ever met.
You're my best friend,
Best friend with benefits.
What took me so long?

I've never felt this healthy before.
I've never wanted something rational.
I am aware now,
I am aware now.

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet.
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are.
I couldn't help it,
It's all your fault.

Alanis Morissette

Now you know where that came from.

November 1, 2005

So I can't sleep ...

I'm staying in this hotel, away from my kids, and I've got a lot of quiet on my hands. I'm working but since I'm out of my element, I'm forced out of my routine and I find myself rattling through the hours. I get the feeling that by the time I settle into a routine and start enjoying myself, it'll be time for me to go home.

Maybe it's just me but I don't get Sex in the City. Since I can't sleep tonight, I just watched back to back episodes just to see if I misjudged it the first time around. I didn't. Here are just a few of the problems I found with the shows I watched tonight.

1) A gold necklace with a big gold pretzle pendant? The name necklaces? Didn't those go out in the 70's? The fashion is so ridiculous, the heels so high, the colors so vivid, Sara Jessica Parker so melodramatic ... she's positively watery-eyed, like an anime heroine only made of flesh and bone (ok, maybe just bone).

2) Cassie is supposed to be a writer? Who would read that drivel? The narrator vehicle may have worked for her husband in Ferris Beuller but it was fresh when he did it. Now it's just awkward, cheesy time-filler. And the witty rapparte between the friends? It's all too forced, with the exception of, maybe, Miranda, whose timing is impeccable.

3) The ensemble, apparent when they are together, is formulaic. The young blond, the old blone, the brunette and the redhead ... each with a neurosis for everyone to relate to. The construction of the cast is too apparent to me ... like watching the Spice Girls drinking Cosmopolitans.

4) What's with the shoes? Did someone just call her shoes Come-do-me heels? Who says stuff like that? They are called Fuck-Me pumps, thank you very much. It is all very much like a bad high school play with a lot of shoe shopping. WHO NEEDS THAT MANY PAIRS OF SHOES??

Maybe it's just me. I'm not into the shoes, the glitz, the glamour, the extreme pinkness. I don't buy into the lifestyle. It's too much fantasy, too much romance. I've been to New York and it's not nearly that romantic, not unless you are very rich.

Maybe I'm too realistic? Maybe I just can't relate because I'm not a hopeless romantic? For those of you out there that are, I can see the appeal. I suppose it's an escape to a fantasy single girl's world.

Well, I'm single and I want to escape as much as the next girl but why would I want to watch something I can never, ever have?

For that matter, if I could have it, would I want it? I don't think I would live like any of them, no matter how rich, how young, how pretty, how drunk I was. Here I am, a "single girl" (*sigh*) alone in a hotel in a "city" and I'm ... ummm ... alone in a hotel room. I finished my workshop at 4 today, stopped to pick up dinner on the way back here and made a beeline for my room. I don't socialize during the complimentary cocktail hour here at the hotel and I sit by myself during the continental breakfast, though a few of the others from the workshop tried to engage me in conversation this morning. It's not that I'm trying to be antisocial ... I'm polite and I make plenty of conversation during the workshop, but I have no desire to socialize with anyone unless I have to. And forget about going out to dinner. By myself? I don't think so. I'd rather bring it back here and get online or sink into a good book.

Maybe I'm not normal. Maybe I'm not 'into' Sex in the City because I'm not as 'brave' as Cassie. Maybe I resent their freedom, their lifestyle, their success.

Or maybe the show just sucks.

OH ... and when I called home tonight to check on the kids, they were too cool to be excited to hear from me and Mom was too wrapped up in her drama and NO ONE EVEN ASKED ME HOW MY DAY WAS. *sigh* And here I was worried that they might actually miss me or something. Silly me.

I'm trying to pretend it doesn't bother me but it really does. I've spent 24/7 for the past *almost* 14 years giving every bit of myself to the task of raising my kids and it feels like I could have taken more time off without them even noticing. *big sigh*

About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries from November 2005 listed from newest to oldest.

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