August 2005 Archives
August 28, 2005
A music meme, via Michele:
A.) Go to musicoutfitters.com
B.) Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year
C.) Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you hate and underline your favorite. Do nothing to the ones you don't remember (or don't care about).
Top 100 from 1982
1. Physical, Olivia Newton-John
2. Eye Of The Tiger, Survivor
3. I Love Rock N' Roll, Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
4. Ebony And Ivory, Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
5. Centerfold, J. Geils Band
6. Don't You Want Me, Human League
7. Jack And Diane, John Cougar (don�t ask � it was a summer song)
8. Hurts So Good, John Cougar
9. Abracadabra, Steve Miller Band
10. Hard To Say I'm Sorry, Chicago
11. Tainted Love, Soft Cell
12. Chariots Of Fire, Vangelis
13. Harden My Heart, Quarterflash
14. Rosanna, Toto
15. I Can't Go For That, Daryl Hall and John Oates
16. 867-5309 (Jenny), Tommy Tutone
17. Key Largo, Bertie Higgins
18. You Should Hear How She Talks About You, Melissa Manchester
19. Waiting For A Girl Like You, Foreigner
20. Don't Talk To Strangers, Rick Springfield
21. The Sweetest Thing, Juice Newton
22. Always On My Mind, Willie Nelson
23. Shake It Up, Cars
24. Let It Whip, Dazz Band
25. We Got The Beat, Go-Go's
26. The Other Woman, Ray Parker Jr.
27. Turn Your Love Around, George Benson
28. Sweet Dreams, Air Supply
29. Only The Lonely, Motels
30. Who Can It Be Now?, Men At Work
31. Hold Me, Fleetwood Mac
32. Eye In The Sky, Alan Parsons Project
33. Let's Groove, Earth, Wind and Fire
34. Open Arms, Journey
35. Leader Of The Band, Dan Fogelberg
36. Leather And Lace, Stevie Nicks and Don Henley
37. Even The Nights Are Better, Air Supply
38. I've Never Been To Me, Charlene
39. '65 Love Affair, Paul Davis
40. Heat Of The Moment, Asia
41. Take It Easy On Me, Little River Band
42. Pac-man Fever, Buckner and Garcia
43. That Girl, Stevie Wonder
44. Private Eyes, Daryl Hall and John Oates
45. Trouble, Lindsey Buckingham
46. Making Love, Roberta Flack
47. Love's Been A Little Bit Hard On Me, Juice Newton
48. Young Turks, Rod Stewart
49. Freeze-frame, J. Geils Band
50. Keep The Fire Burnin', REO Speedwagon
51. Do You Believe In Love, Huey Lewis and The News
52. Cool Night, Paul Davis
53. Caught Up In You, 38 Special
54. Why Do Fools Fall In Love?, Diana Ross
55. Love In The First Degree, Alabama
56. Hooked On Classics, Royal Philharmonic Orchestra
57. Wasted On The Way, Crosby, Stills and Nash
58. Think I'm In Love, Eddie Money
59. Love Is In Control, Donna Summer
60. Personally, Karla Bonoff
61. One Hundred Ways, Quincy Jones
62. Blue Eyes, Elton John
63. Our Lips Are Sealed, Go-Go's
64. You Could Have Been Wih Me, Sheena Easton
65. You Can Do Magic, America
66. Did It In A Minute, Daryl Hall and John Oates
67. I Ran, A Flock Of Seagulls (it started the great hair rebellion of 1983 ... don't ask)
68. Somebody's Baby, Jackson Browne
69. Oh No, Commodores
70. Take It Away, Paul McCartney
71. It's Gonna Take A Miracle, Deneice Williams
72. Love Will Turn You Around, Kenny Rogers
73. Don't Stop Bellevin', Journey
74. Comin' In And Out Of Your Life, Barbra Streisand
75. Gloria, Laura Branigan
76. Empty Garden, Elton John
77. Yesterday's Songs, Neil Diamond
78. Crimson And Clover, Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
79. Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic, Police
80. Here I Am, Air Supply
81. I Keep Forgettin', Michael Mcdonald
82. Get Down On It, Kool and The Gang
83. Any Day Now, Ronnie Milsap
84. Make A Move On Me, Olivia Newton-John
85. Take My Heart, Kool and The Gang
86. Mirror Mirror, Diana Ross
87. Vacation, Go-Go's (this was THE graduation song)
88. (Oh) Pretty Woman, Van Halen
89. Should I Do It, Pointer Sisters
90. Hot In The City, Billy Idol
91. Kids In America, Kim Wilde
92. Man On Your Mind, Little River Band
93. What's Forever For, Michael Murphy
94. Waiting On A Friend, Rolling Stones
95. Do I Do, Stevie Wonder
96. Working For The Weekend, Loverboy
97. Goin' Down, Greg Guidry
98. Arthur's Theme, Christopher Cross
99. Through The Years, Kenny Rogers
100. Edge Of Seventeen, Stevie Nicks
What I listened to:
(update: after looking over this list and being laughed at more than once, let me just preface this by saying I was really 2 people in 1982. Early 1982, I was desperate for new music. Bubblegum and CrapPop was everywhere. I was a 'theater fag' who loved to dance so the AltPop was like crack to me. MTV had launched that year and I got a glimpse of some new and different bands ... but it was MTV, the shallow end of the proverbial music pool. Right after graduation (2 weeks to be exact), I moved to Salem, MA in preparation to go to Salem State College in the fall. I didn't have a TV but I did have a radio ... and I found WMWM, the SSC radio station. Yes, you had to live in Salem at that time to pick it up. I was hooked. I walked into their offices on my first day on campus and demanded a job. I was given the Jazz slot on Sunday afternoon, right after the punk show but I would show up 4 hours early to hang out and listen and absorb as much as I could. Within a year, and with lots of patient coaching by our future music director, Steve Lochiatto, I was doing the punk show and the following year, I was primetime. By then, our coverage had expanded all the way to Boston and our nemesis was WFNX, a supposed alternative station that lived and died by the playlist rotation. SO ... that being said ... my singles are a mix of what was on MTV and what was coming out on WMWM. The albums were my musical teething ring (thanks, Loche, for taking the time to educate me).
Singles (alphabetically, not by preference)
Dexy's Midnight Runners - Come on Eileen (my Celtic roots are showing)
Haircut One Hundred - Love Plus One
INXS - Don�t Change
The Jam - A Town Called Malice
Madness - Our House
Nena - 99 luftballoons
New Order - Temptation
Men without Hats - the Safety Dance
Romeo Void - Never Say Never
Soft Cell - Tainted Love (I couldn�t help it)
XTC - Senses Working Overtime
Albums (alphabetically, not by preference):
Black Flag - I�m one of the Henry Rollins faithful � Damaged kicked ass
The Cure - absolutely fell in love with the Boys Don�t Cry LP. The fact that rumors of Smith being suicidal just increased their appeal.
Kate Bush - The Dreaming � another LP worn through
Dead Kennedys - Plastic Surgery Disasters � genius
Husker Du - Everything Falls Apart
PiL - I got a copy of Flowers of Romance from the radio station (it was one of several they released for review and I reviewed it � and somehow it ended up staying in my personal collection). I played it 'til it was worn through
Sex Pistols - mostly reissues, discovering things I had missed growing up in white bread Peabody. I was a kid in a candy store in the radio station library. It also foreshadowed the future librarian in me. I spent quite a lot of time reorganizing that library, making it easier for DJs to find and pull an album on the fly.
Talking Heads - Remain in Light.
August 27, 2005
Well, as expected, the kids went back to school on Thursday. There was a time when this time of year would thrill me. I'd watch the kids get on the bus, waving goodbye through tears of joy. As soon as the bus was out of sight, I would dance on the kitchen table naked, dousing myself with coffee and chanting ...
Ok, I made that last part up. I did enjoy it much more then than I do now, though. It's strange being on the other side ... a teacher dreading the return of the students.
Hmm ... actually, after the last week, I've realized that is not the return of the students that I dread, it's the massive amount of work that gets piled on me as soon as I walk in the door ... and that gets piled up on my desk every time my back is turned. Once the kids get back, I have a reason to smile again but the week before, it's sheer hell.
I found out that I do have assistants now. One started coming down to the media center on Thursday and the other, well ... I'm hoping she will start helping me soon. I went to her on Friday to ask her to please get me the data file I need on Monday morning and I'm hoping that she will also come down and watch me upload it onto the server and see just what I have to do with it. I don't think she realizes how integrated her job and my job are and it's about time she learned. The old SIMS operator did SO much for the media center, so much I can't do.
I may make it this year. Time will tell.
August 23, 2005
A glass fell off the kitchen table tonight and I just looked at it and I said "I quit.". My son said "You always say that but you know you won't."
I'm glad they don't know how close I have actually come to quitting, how many times, and how often I still think about it with a kind of longing.
I've joked before about the perpetual cloud of gloom my son seems to have hanging over his head and how fastidious my daughter is about being perfect. Tonight, though, I'm not laughing. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty deeply shaken after what just happened. I'm still coming to grips with the 'holy shit' quality of my realization so forgive me, please, if this is rambling or confusing.
Today was system-wide open house day. That meant I had to work all day and then, from 4:30 - 6:30, I had to meet and greet parents and students in the media center. My first two years, not many people came through the media center but, tonight, we had lots of lookie-loos, some of my past students coming back or the younger siblings and lots of kids just coming through to let me know they saw me in the newspaper. (*should probably explain that but I need to get through this first)
This would normally not be a problem and when my kids were both in elementary school, I was able to just walk over to their classrooms before open house and touch base with their teachers. Not so now. My kids are in middle school, rising 7th and 8th graders, and our middle school had their open house today, too.
Unfortunately theirs ran from 5:30 - 7:30 so we had one hour to leave my school, drive over, find a place to park, find 8 different classrooms and meet 8 different teachers, which we could have done pretty smoothly if my daughter hadn't had a meltdown. In the car she was yelling at me to drive faster ... when I saw an old friend and her son and stopped to talk to them, she was pinching my hand as I talked to them to tell me to stop talking to them ... she was alternately throwing me dirty looks and pleading with me to move faster when we were walking across campus.
When we finally found her homeroom, she was told her schedule had changed and she would have to go the her new homeroom to get her new schedule. I tried to make the best of it on the way by saying that she had ended up with the teacher I had hoped she would get but it was too late. She was devastated that something had changed and she didn't know how to handle the change.
We got to her homeroom and began meeting her teachers, all of whom are wonderful, and she was just starting to relax a bit when my son started up, pointing out that we only had 20 minutes to meet all of his teachers. We got to three of his 4 teachers before they kicked us out. I thought the worst of it was over and we would go home and relax finally after a long day.
No sooner did we get home than I hear my daughter freaking out in her room. She came running to me and I swear to God, I thought one of the cats had died, she was so hysterical. She could barely get the words out between sobs ... she couldn't find her new schedule.
I followed her back to her room to find her sheets and blankets torn off her bed, all over the floor and out in the hall and she is shrieking that it is gone, that she is such an idiot for losing it. I had to grab her by the shoulders and yell in her face to get her to breathe, to think ... she was totally short circuiting. I told her to go look out in the car, thinking that she might have taken it out to memorize it. As soon as she went outside, I turned around, opened her purse, and there it was, right where she put it.
She collapsed into tears when she saw it, in the middle of her tornado-struck room. I asked her why she was so freaked out and she said "I'm scared I'll mess up. I can't do this."
and it hit me like a jab to the solar plexus ... she is me. The panic, the anxiety, the feelings of inadequacy, the total freakout at the littlest things.
Then I look at my son, my sullen, angry, reclusive son and I realize that he is me, too.
I joked tonight with my daughter's science teacher (who taught my son last year) that she is about to see the other side of the coin. Jazz has her bookbag packed, her notebooks color coded, her clothes for the first 9 weeks all picked out. She is not the smartest kid in her class but she tries the hardest and she cares the most about how well she does. Joseph, on the other hand, is not ready to go to school. He's probably the smartest kid in his class but he doesn't give a shit because he thinks he can coast. Jazz is going to the local college because she doesn't think she will get accepted to anything better. Joseph wants to go to MIT but he almost failed pre-Algebra last year. Jazz is convinced she will fail everything she tries. Joseph doesn't think he has to try.
That conversation came back to me as I sat here, going over what had happened, how each child is a different side of the same coin ... and I realized that coin is me.
I think what happened tonight was that my daughter had her schedule memorized so when they changed that on her, on top of her anxiety of being late, it sent her over the top. What scared me was the words I heard her using.
"I'm an idiot ... I'm so stupid ... I ruin everything ... I can't do this ..."
Have I done this to her? Is it in her nature via genetics or has she learned this from me? What was I thinking bringing kids into this world? I have one kid that has some of the signs of depression and the other has signs of panic attacks and here I am, having been through both and feeling guilty for doing this to them.
August 21, 2005
I've been accused of being cryptic and maybe this is one of those times. Maybe not. I guess it all depends on if you recognize the title of this post.
If you don't, yeah, I can see why you might think I'm being cryptic. I prefer to think of it as breaking the news slowly.
If you do recognize the title, though, I get the feeling you will be singing along with me before long.
I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild.
A million dead-end streets
And every time I thought I'd got it made,
It seemed the taste was not so sweet.
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker.
I'm much too fast to take that test ...
Oh, yes ... Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. After 4 years of building Wordwhores and 5 years of blogging my little fingers off at Absolute Blog, it was time for a change. I started that blog and the website with the intention of giving my certain brand of insanity a forum for expression. I didn't want to be a richer (wo)man. I didn't beg for visitors or links ... I just was there. It was my home when this home got to be too much, a place for me to escape to. Strange as that may seem, I needed a place where I could see evidence that I actually existed. Wordwhores/Absolute Serenity/Absolute Blog was it.
Now I'm just gonna have to be a different (wo)man ... a prosemonkey, to be exact. Yeah, time may change me, but I can't trace time.
If you aren't singing along by now, I'm very disappointed.
I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence.
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same.
So much is still the same yet, so much has changed. I have changed. No matter how uncomfortable it may have been, how painful it was, how long it took, I have changed my life and been changed by this experience, this blogging thing. I've been alternately accused of seeking attention and then of exploitation of myself and my family. Eh, whatever. I talk about what is important to ME. I don't actively seek fame or links or interviews or ANYTHING but serenity ...
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through.
I've been doing this for a while, through getting my divorce and Masters, two of the most important documents I have ever received. Hmm, as a side note, wouldn't it be cool if when your divorce was final, you could have a ceremonial 'walk', a graduation. You could receive a certificate suitable for framing, shake the judge's hand (or slip him some tongue, depending on how excited you are about it ... my judge would have gotten a lap dance) and switch your tassle from one side to the other afterwards which, I guess, would be akin to removing your wedding band. Afterwards you could go out for dinner and get presents (oh, yes, the presents are the best part) and you could actually celebrate your graduation into the next phase of your life.
Since my divorce, life has ch-ch-changed so much. I began a new career, gained multiple responsibilities, moved my family from the house of pain to the house of the pink bathroom but I have done even more than that. I have begun to have some fun to make up for the 15 years of a joyless marriage. At times, I forget that I'm 41 and, honestly, I don't feel it. Rollercoasters, video games, amusement parks, zoos, loud music ... think this is a midlife crisis? If so, I don't want it to stop.
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it
(turn and face the stranger)
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time.
I have a strange fascination, fascinating me ... a fascination for change. Onward and upward, I say, and I'm taking my words with me. It's time to leave Wordwhores behind, time to let my words start growing into something new. Changes are taking the pace I'm going through.
This place all started with NaNoWriMo. I needed a home for my (as yet) unfinished novel. This place was a gift and I moved right in and kicked my shoes off, not quite sure what else I could use it for but really liking the Moveable Type interface and the CSS format. I began seeing the possibilities. I realized that I also liked the gentler voice I was sharing here. It was more positive, more centered ... and I'm not alone here. There were so many times that I felt absolutely alone on Wordwhores. I've never felt that way here. When NaNoWriMo ended, I asked if I could keep it, maybe grow it, and here I am. Ah, the changes I'm going through.
If you came here via Wordwhores or Absolute Blog, I would adore you forever if you would change your bookmarks and links to reflect the new name and URL. Over the next few days/weeks/months, this will actually grow into a website, with poetry, short stories, artwork, etc. It's all going to be here on Prosemonkey. The same site, grown up but still with the same unapologetic attitude. With MUCHO help from one of the most talented monkeys I know, the adorable and spunky Stylemonkey, this place will be stylin', bay-bee!!
Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers
(turn and face the stranger)
Pretty soon now you're gonna get
a little older!
Time may change me
But I can't trace time.
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time.
August 17, 2005
At the risk of being over-dramatic (because if YOU want that, I can SO GO THERE, just say the word!), I suck at being perfect.
Not that I am perfect. Oh, no, never have been and never will be.
BUT ... I have a dream. I have a dream that someday, everything I plan will execute flawlessly. I have a dream, misguided though it might be, that I can actually DO everything that I have to do and not stumble here and there.
I also have a dream that every one of my multiple personalities will get along and have a nice little picnic and play bocce ball on the lawn without a drunken brawl breaking out but, hey, my family can't even do that, how can I expect my selves to?
Oh well ... I've got to go back to work tomorrow and here is where the self-flagellation comes in. Usually on teacher workdays my kids come with me to school ... or at least one kid. Sometimes I split them up, bringing one and leaving the other with my mom. She can't take them both at once and, depending on the day, neither can I. Well, I totally screwed up this week. Here I am, going back to school where SO much work awaits me, and I didn't even think about where the kids were going to go. I just assumed they would come with me.
The problems arise when I looked closely at my schedule for the first week. Tomorrow: staff luncheon at Outback. Friday: day long, county-wide media coordinators meeting. Umm ... yeah ... can't bring the kids.
Now I don't know how you feel about leaving your kids home alone but I have very strong feelings about it. I was left home alone a LOT when I was a kid. While they were still there, my older brothers and sister would babysit me, which meant I was put in front of the TV with a jar of olives to watch Speed Racer and the Banana Splits while they went down into the basement and got drunk or stoned with their friends.
When all the free, live-in babysitters moved out, I was left home alone. I was 10. Even with the semblance of safety that my close-knit neighborhood had in those days, I should have never been alone as much as I was. It didn't help me be more independant. It didn't help me fight back when I had a babysitter that took advantage of me.
I wasn't as scared at home alone as I should have been but you have to remember that these were the pre-razor-blades-in-the-apple for Halloween days. The world was a different place and my mom just trusted that everything would be alright. Where was that old Catholic guilt? I'll tell you where. It skipped her generation and came RIGHT TO ME!
Yes, I feel like an incredibly bad mother for even thinking of leaving my kids home alone. Sometimes I don't have a choice, though. I live 1/10 of a mile from work ... my kids have to pass 2 houses and cross a street to get to the school. Everyone at the school knows them and the kids know that, in case of emergency, the school is a safe place.
But ... and this is important ... I never wanted my kids to be latchkey kids. I chose this career so that I would be home at the same time as them, on weekends, holidays and all summer. And I realize that leaving them home alone for a day does not mean they are latchkey kids but I'm having a hard time relaxing about it.
Besides, if my son looks at my daughter wrong when I'm not here, she will rip out his skull and beat him to death with it, no matter how physically impossible that seems.
Guess I better make sure the emergency numbers are updated.
August 15, 2005
I hope this proves that I'm not just a nerd (as implied by Bobo) but also a geek (though slightly more nerdy than geeky).
Not that there is anything wrong with being either, especially since the negative connotations are slowly giving way to awe and respect (with just a touch of pity).
Fun test ... I SPECIFICALLY did not like that my only choice for age was Old Fart (harrumph!!).
though I am wondering how my SO answered the SO question ... mine was obviously right.
Ok, enough with the silliness ... I'll be back to actual blogging sometime. Painting at my school today and back to work on Thursday. Shoot me now, please.
August 11, 2005
August 10, 2005
Let's try to forget that yesterday I suddenly became a big ball of cheese, shall we?
I'm not to be fucked with today.
Why? Maybe because I didn't get to bed until somewhere about 4 this morning trying to straighten out what fucked up thing that suddenly started happening with my computer. Long story short, I tried installing a program and I suddenly went from 30 processes running to 360 processes sometime around midnight and, though I tried to shut down the humane way, I eventually had to just go Old Yeller on its ass and then try to backtrack and clean up the blood spatters.
Maybe because I got a weepy phone call from my mother at 8 this morning because her air conditioning is out and she is still trying to get over her trip and, though she didn't want to get into it about how my son behaved on the trip, guess what? Yup, she did! Gosh, who would have thunk it? I had to hear how everyone said how disrespectful and moody he was and that he needs more discipline and everyone else's kid behaves better than mine and apparently, mine is the Spawn of Satan himself. I AM A BAD MOTHER, OK?! I GET IT! I. GET. IT.
Maybe because when said Spawn of Satan dragged himself out of bed at noon this and then rolled his eyes at me when I asked him to get his dirty clothes to the laundry room, I sat him down to have a little 'talk' with him. Only my little 'talk' lasted a good hour and I said everything and he said nothing and now he's pissed off at me AND sullen and WELCOME HOME!! DIDJA MISS THAT?!?!
So I'm sitting here, where everywhere I turn is another responsibility staring me in the face, where every promise I made to myself at the beginning of the summer reminds me that I didn't keep it, where I keep finding another failure to add to the pile and I just want to take a blowtorch and have a frickin' bonfire.
And I'm unable to escape. I can't take off for a ride. I can't hide in my room. I can't go out and do something for me. I can't even have a proper nervous breakdown anymore.
Responsibility sucks. Who did I piss off to end up with this Sisyphean existence? I never said I wanted a rock at the top of the hill. For all I care, it can stay at the bottom and I'll just crawl back under it, thank you very much.
Oh, and pee ess ... YEAH, I'm swearing like a sailor. You wanna make something of that?! HUNH!?!? BRING IT ON!! I'll take out my yellow belt and ... well, ok, so maybe I can't do much with it but hit you with it but I'LL DO IT!
August 9, 2005
I just have to say that I have the best boyfriend in the entire world.
No, that's not true. The entire solar system. Galaxy? To infinity and beyond?!
Anyone that would drive an hour to meet his girlfriend's tired, grumpy, travel worn family members at a train station in the middle of Richmond just so they wouldn't have to sit alone in a train station in the middle of Richmond together for 2 hours and 20 minutes is an absolute angel.
Wow ... I'm a lucky, lucky girl.
He has no idea how much easier he just made my life. I'm not a total screw up! I picked a good one! Go me!
And now, instead of having to listen to my mom complain about what a handful my son is for the hour long drive home from OUR train station, I get to try to steer the conversation back to him and how wonderful he is, thus proving that, although I may be an absolute failure as the raiser of well behaved children, I rock at picking out boyfriends!
They are coming home. My daughter is crushed. She kind of enjoyed having me all to herself, when she was here, anyway.
It's a long ride home from Rocky Mount. Then we're going to karate, which is another long ride. Then, after 3 hours of sweating and wincing, we have another long ride home. We'll be home somewhere around 10:30. I SO need coffee.
August 8, 2005
I know there is no phone up there. I know there is no cell phone. I know there is no TV, no video games, no NOTHING and I can't imagine that they would be staying there for this long. But they must still be up there because NO ONE HAS CALLED ME.
Speaking of NOTHING, that is pretty much what I got accomplished today. I did swing by my mother's house today to feed her fish and water her plants, like a good daughter. Most of the day, however, was spent waiting around for the x to call back about seeing his daughter. After our less than pleasant exchange the other day, I wasn't surprised.
I was surprised, however, when my daughter told me, after making plans with her father, that she didn't want to go. I told her that she didn't have to go if she didn't want to but she felt as though she had to since she didn't go last week. In retrospect, I didn't think that was exactly an accident. She slept over a friend's house and told her father that she would call when she got back but she 'forgot' to call. Hmm ... how many times has he done that to her? Can you say payback?
She is a lot like me ... she can get quiet and withdrawn if there is nothing coming from the other person. She doesn't make idle chit-chat or small talk. She doesn't know how to 'fake' interest in things that aren't interesting to her, something that she may have to do when she is older. She also can not hide her emotions and when we were talking, she was pretty sullen and grumpy. I don't blame her. After all, she sat around all weekend not knowing when or if her father was going to call, knowing all the while that he didn't want to make the effort to come and see just her.
I wasn't sure what to do. I asked her if she could help me think of something that would make the situation easier because she actually DID want to get dinner, she just didn't want to have to sit with her father. I suggested she think of someplace she really wanted to go that her brother never lets them go when they are all together. No luck. I asked if it would be easier for her to get take out and bring it back here, knowing that her father has done that several times when the restaurant is too busy or if he's just feeling like he doesn't have enough time for them. Hmm, that was a possibility.
She was still feeling grumpy when I, after doing some consulting with my psychic (psychotic?) advisor*, asked if she wanted me to go with her as a buffer. Aside from my own reservations, I just wanted her to be happy and really have a chance to explore every possibility. She gave me this look like I had absolutely lost my mind and went across the room to sit on the couch and think.
Secretly, I was hoping she would say no because
1) I can't stand to be near him and being in a moving vehicle with him is sheer torture. Too many close calls.
2) He will make a big deal about paying and I will want to pay for myself and that will turn into a power play, complete with snarky comments about how much money I make.
3) I just didn't want to go.
After thinking about it for a few minutes, she came and sat with me and gave me her reasons why I shouldn't go:
1) I would be uncomfortable being with him for that long
2) He would want to pay but he would complain that he has no money
3) If I went, he would want to make a big show of us going out to eat as a family and it would take forever and be even more uncomfortable.
Wow, I hadn't even thought of the third one but she was absolutely right! The last time he talked me into going out to eat with them, he made comments to the waitress and anyone that would listen that he was out with his 'family'. There I was, wishing I could disappear or leave or something but I was at his mercy. The kids were so mortified.
She thanked me for suggesting I go and trying to help but in the end she decided she was going to try to talk him into going to a place that would be too busy on a Sunday for a sit down dinner in hopes that he would suggest they get it to go. She kind of felt like she owed it to him since she had blown him off the week before (and yes, she did admit it) but I don't think she did it out of malice. I think she just decided she would have more fun with her friend and that he would understand that, like I would.
What blew me away about this whole thing was just how matter of fact and logical she was about it. This is an 11 year old kid. Amazing. Thank God she got my genes, that's all I can say. YUP, I'm taking TOTAL credit for this one. I mean, how many kids get EXCITED About back to school? She couldn't get to sleep tonight because she was too busy filling up her new binder with paper and putting dividers in and color coding her subject notebooks and ... Ok, maybe she got a few too many of my genes.
* I keed, I keed
August 6, 2005
The first few minutes were spent asking about Joseph, where he is, what he's doing and when he is coming back. Then he over explained what is going on with him trying to get back to work. I don't know why he felt the need to go into such detail.
No, I take that back. I do know why he was chatty. He had been avoiding me for weeks because he hasn't been paying child support. Last night he just wanted to let me know that he IS going back to work and that he didn't forget about child support and he will be paying again soon.
At least that was all I thought it was. I am so naïve. I told him Jazz and I may be going to see an old friend of mine from Massachusetts who is in NC with her family. He asked a few questions about her, about her husband, about how they have been doing, just small talk.
I told him how much I respect the fact that they have been committed to each other and their kids and how hard they have worked to build their life together. I don't have many friends but I've known this one for 25 years and I have to say this for her husband; he never abandoned his family, he never cheated on his wife, he never forced his wife to do anything that went against her moral core. In my eyes, he's a good husband. When he pushed me to tell him when we were going, I told him our trip would be worked around his visit so that he wouldn't think I was trying to keep him away from his daughter.
As he started talking about when he would pick up Jazz, he slipped a comment in about how he thinks that Jazz and I 'gang up' on Joseph and that is why he feels so alone. I defended myself calmly and was very proud that he didn't manage to piss me off.
Then he started to say how he tries to be Joseph's friend, how he tried to do things with him because he is alone and lonely. He even said that he taught Joseph how to drive his car and lets him drive it in his yard.
I bristled at this and that was my mistake. I reacted with my heart rather than my head. See, I have a problem with parents that bend the law just so they can be cool in their kids eyes. The kid is 13 and there is a big difference between a friend offering to teach him how to drive when he knows he's not supposed to and his FATHER offering to teach him how to drive when he knows he's not supposed to.
He knows about peer pressure. He knows how to get out of things he doesn't want to do with kids his age. With his father, how does he say no? He can't. He has no way to say no without wondering if that will be the one thing that will make his father give up on him and leave for good. He actually told me that his father taught him how to drive but he made me promise not to tell him ... and I didn't let on that I knew. I just took a deep breath and I told the x what I thought about that.
I told him while it is ok to be a friend to your kid, you have to remember that you are their parent first and foremost, that everything you do and say to them or in front of them has more weight because of that.
I didn't even realize what I had done. In karate, it is called leaving yourself open. In boxing, it's leading with your chin. In my life, judging by the hits I've taken, it is par for the course.
"Do you do the same thing with the kids?" he asked.
"Of course I do," I said warily, realizing a second too late that he had noticed an opening and was circling his prey.
"Then what are you teaching your daughter?"
"What do you mean?" By now, the vise started pressing on my heart and I felt the panic starting to rise.
"Listen, I'm not telling you how to live your life but what are you teaching your daughter by letting your boyfriend come stay in the house every month? What is she learning?"
And there it was. 20 minutes of casual chatting turned into that. And that is why my x and I can never be friends. I always say he's stupid but it's amazing how just that one dig suddenly made me feel like an absolute idiot for leaving myself open.
He never had my best interests at heart, he never cared about my happiness, he never trusts me and he never will. How could I be a friend with a person like that? He is a narcissist and it's a persistent character disorder. We will always be connected by our children but I can never trust him to care about them more than he cares himself or, ultimately, about hurting me for defying him.
I don't want to only remember the worst about him. Doing that makes me seem like a petty person and leaves me with all the negativity of our relationship in my heart and I can't be truly happy like that.
But I can't exactly look back at the good times of our relationship because I don't remember any of them. I don't have happy stories, happy pictures. It's almost as if 15 years of my life has been wiped clean, as though the fact that I was ever married to him went right out of my head the day I got the divorce. I try to only think of him as the father of my children and try to find the good in that, namely that I have 2 great kids.
When dealing with him, I prefer to take each day as it comes and hope that he has changed and every time he shows me he hasn't, I walk away determined to get rid of the negativity and go on toward tomorrow in a more positive way.
Unfortunately, today was the tomorrow that was supposed to be more positive and I still have a bitter aftertaste in the back of my throat for what he did yesterday.
What I wanted to say:
"If you would stop being such an officious prick for a second, you might realize that I am a happier, healthier person now than I was when we were married. That makes me a better parent. The fact that I have someone in my life that does care about both me AND my kids, that takes their feelings into consideration when he makes decisions that will effect them, that actually makes me feel smart and safe and happy should make you happy. But you can't be happy unless I am miserable and, I'm sorry, asshole, but I'm not going to give you the satisfaction."
What I did say:
"I have to go now. This conversation is over. Call if you want to see your daughter this weekend. Goodbye."
And then I hung up the phone, closed the door to my bedroom and cried until I couldn't anymore.
I am such a fucking wuss.
August 5, 2005
They left for Maine Friday morning. My brother has a camp there and they were going for the weekend. Sounds fancy, hunh? A camp in Maine conjures up images of boating and lobstah and country clubs, doesn't it?
HA! Apparently, it is little more than a hunting stand. They will practically be camping. No TV, no cell phone service. You even have to pour a bucket of water into the toilet to make it flush. Still wondering why I didn't go on this trip?
Although, now that I think about it, this impression I have is only going by what my mother has told me. It's probably a perfectly nice place, a little rustic, but that is part of its charm. If I know Jack, he has been working on this place in every minute of his spare time to make it acceptable to Ma so that she will, maybe, remember the good things about it when she tells her friends about it. He knows how she works. She has a way of picking out the flaws in any situation and shining a huge spotlight on them before anyone else has a chance to point them out. It's almost a defense mechanism. It's as though she is saying "Don't tell me I'm not perfect because I know I'm not and I'll tell you before you have a chance to hurt me by criticizing me."
Here's an example. When you walk into her house, it looks immaculate. Everything matches, nothing looks out of place. She will immediately point out something that most normal people would never notice on a normal visit, like that the fringe on her new pillow doesn't match the drapes like she wanted it to. And when you try to say "oh, it looks just fine to me.", she will take the pillow over to the drapes and hold them up together and show you exactly why they don't match and complain about the person that made them or how much she paid for them until you finally agree that yes, she is right, they do not match and it is a travesty that you have to pay so much money to have things custom made only to have them not match.
Another example happened to my sister this week. They were visiting my ex-sister-in-law, Donna. Her mother, Mary, and sister, Elizabeth happened to be there for a visit so it was a happy afternoon. There is a long history there. Nothing to hide, we were all family and we all know each other warts and all. And, I have to add, there is a lot of love between our families to this day. They are good people. It's been ages since they were all together, though, so the kids went off to swim and play in the pond while the adults are on the dock catching up.
Mary asks about my oldest brother, how he is, since it's been at least 15 years since they have seen him. So my mother fills her in on his life, his ex-girlfriend ("we loved her, I don't know why he couldn't keep her. She was so young though.") and his kids (pointing out the ones that have been giving him a little trouble). Mary says "He was always so handsome, so tall and slim." though, honestly, to 5'0" Mary, everyone was pretty tall. My mother says "Yes, he's the only one of my kids that never had a weight problem."
Now, this is right in front of my sister AND my son. It's not like our family has a secret "weight problem", like we weigh more than we look like we do, which would be acceptable to her probably. The sad thing is that when you look at our mother, there is no denying where we get it from.
My sister just sat there, biting her tongue, feeling as humiliated as if my mother had asked her to strip off her clothes and let everyone see just how bad her "weight problem" is.
No, my brother, Michael, hasn't failed her by having a weight problem. He's just the alcoholic, workaholic emotionally unavailable stoic who, lucky for him, lives in California and only calls her, maybe, once a year, IF it fits into his schedule.
Right after they left for Maine, my sister called me. First words out of her mouth were "You are a saint. There is a place in heaven for you. I don't know how you put up with her."
Thank GOD, because according my Mom, I've screwed up a lot and if I didn't already have a reserved seat, I'd never get in. Besides, I don't think they let people with "weight problems" in.
No, I made the right choice by not going, though I wish I could sit and get really drunk with my sister right about now. Wait, then she would say that we have a "drinking problem", too. Hmm, wonder where we get THAT from, MOM??
First, don't go to bed at 3 am Friday morning expecting to wake up in any sort of reasonably good mood. Not gonna happen, not unless you actually get to sleep until noon.
Second, unplug the frickin' phone because, apparently, SOME people have their faculties about them enough to dial the phone at 7:45 in the morning but just because SOME people have their faculties doesn't mean they should be allowed to use them. Kind of like frozen burritos. Just because you have half a dozen in the freezer doesn't mean you should eat them all.
Third, when a throught drifts through your sleepy brain at 7:56 in the morning about the fact that today is trash day and you forgot to take out the trash last night and maybe you should get up now before the trash trucks come and you have to run out in your pajamas, you should listen to it. And by listen to it I don't mean roll over and go back to sleep until the trash truck is in front of your house and you have to find something to throw on so that you can take out both the trash and recyclables and NOT scare the neighbors or the trash men because, duh, you don't wear pajamas.
August 4, 2005
Got an email from my son last night:
Hope you had a good time at karate
By the way, it's Joseph
I got you a present
yeah Jasmyn got something to
I got sunburn YEAH !!!!!!! (ow)
Note the TOTAL lack of punctuation except for the excessive use of exclaimation points? Where does he get that from?!?!?!?! Pretty short and sweet, but it was just what I needed when I got home from karate last night.
I had actually been looking forward to karate this week. Jazz and I rarely get to take a long car ride together and I figured we would have a good chance to talk and connect. We stopped on the way out of town to get my coffee and a box of Buffalo Bites, which was a poor choice in retrospect. I wasn't able to eat anything before class because, well, I only have two hands and trying to stick a spork into a piece of chicken at 79 mph isn't something I've mastered yet. Now, if we had been in the van, I wouldn't have cared but this is my new car with it's non-chicken splattered interior and it was too chancey.
Now, this was enough to make me grumpy but, add that to trying to get through and out of Greenville traffic at that time of day didn't help. Then, to make things worse, once she had eaten her fill, Jazz put the chair back down, torned toward the door and napped. I don't begrudge her a nap when she's tired, and of course she was tired after having a sleep over the night before, but I guess I just expected the night to be something more than me driving for an hour and a half with no one to talk to.
Expectations ... another thing I'll have to explore. I have this vision of how I would like things to go and I get my hopes up and then have a hard time recovering when things don't work out that way ... and they NEVER do, so you would think I would have learned by now.
When she and I got there, we found out that we were going to be taking the class alone since everyone else had showed up on Tuesday night. DORKS ... yeah, I said it! Wanna make something of it? Don't make me go yellow belt on your ass!!!
It was kind of nice taking class next to her, though it was probably more enjoyable for me than her. Ok, I really enjoyed it more because she had to listen to "Are you going to let a yellow belt beat you?" and "Are you going to let your MOM show you up???" She was a little more talkative on the drive home and when we got home, I found that email waiting for me so the day actually ended on a positive note.
Today was a different story. I was up early reading but Jazz didn't wake up until almost noon. Then a friend of hers called to ask if she wanted to go to the movies. I was going to take her out for Chinese but there go those expectations again. See, I told you I don't learn.
By the time she got home, my mood was shot and she was tired again, so we settled in for an afternoon of playing Pikmin. Before I knew it, the day was over and we hadn't accomplished anything again. No call tonight or reply email either ... and I'm SO not in the mood to go near any of that.
You know, I thought this would be easy ... rummage through a little emotional baggage while my son is away since I have to think about it anyway, but it's proving to be harder than I thought. Maybe because my son is away and that's got me out of sorts? Viscious circle?
He drives me nuts, tries my nerves and makes me wonder how I can go on at times but after 13 years of being the only one responsible for him 24/7, I am having a hard time adjusting.
August 2, 2005
Yeah, I thought I would get an annoying little acronym going there. I'll stop soon, I promise. Or not.
Long day today. Jazz went over a friend's house which left me alone for most of the day. A L O N E. That never happens. What I want to know is ... when T is in town, why won't the kids ever leave me A L O N E?!?! But that's a different story for a different day.
I splurged on a large Cafe Americano from Mountain Mudd. Let me just extoll the joy that is Mountain Mudd coffee. For $3, I get a humongous cup of pure calorie-free caffeine (large coffee with 2 double shots of espresso) and, if I'm feeling festive, I'll have them add some sugar-free gourmet syrups. Yesterday it was Pink Chocolate, a combination of Raspberry and White Chocolate that, Oh. My. God. turned my coffee pink. Hey, it's healthier than going to a drive-thru, though it does get me pretty wired.
The rest of the night kind of passed in a blur. I watched the clock, waiting for 9, hoping I would get a phone call from my son (who I think has forgotten me) or my mom (who should have plenty to complain about by now). T was out playing darts and Jazz had called to tell me she wanted to sleep over her friend's house so I was really alone. Naturally, I did what every single mom who never has any time to herself does when she suddenly finds herself with an overabundance of time does. I played on the new GameCube.
9 pm came and went and I waited and waited and I held off for as long as I could. At 9:04 until I called them.
I was leaving a message when Joseph picked up the phone. He sounded so far away, so grown. He gave me a recap of what's been happening: they had an extra hour layover in NYC and they got no sleep on the train at all. His cousin Chris picked them up at the station and took them to Nahant to wait for my sister, who was supposed to meet them at the station. He's been swimming and hiding from his cousin PJ (who is a couple of years younger and wants to play ALL the time) and entertaining himself. Pretty much what he does here, without the swimming and the cousin thing.
He didn't sound worse for the wear, though he did have a few grumbles about how his grandmother is treating him. His last words to me were that he knows Nonnie will complain about how he's been behaving but that I shouldn't believe her. I asked him to put her on the phone and prepared myself for the worst.
"I'm sure he's been telling you how horrible I am, how I'm driving him crazy, but he's driving ME crazy ... " and on and on and on and on ... and I realized just then that, although she's over 70, she sounded like she was about 7. I let her rant for a bit, reminded her that he hasn't ever had to pick up wet bathing suits before because he hasn't been swimming much at all, and when she ran out of things to complain about, I asked to talk to my sister.
"He's fine, you know Ma. I'm taking care of him and standing up for him." and in that moment I knew that he would be fine. I forget sometimes that my sister shares something with me. She shares a history of being brought up by our neurotic, self-absorbed mother AND she recognizes that she is getting worse, not better.
I want to explore this dynamic a bit more, the mother/daughter thing and the sister/sister thing but, for tonight, I'm A L O N E and Spyro is calling. Escapism at its best.
He's there and safe and maybe I can sleep tonight.
I've been tagged! This may take a while because I may feel I have to justify some of my music but here goes. From Skillzy (thanks, dood, I needed this), these instructions:
list ten songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to.
This is not necessarily a true reflection of my preferences but it does show what I have in my music library, which is at about 12GB right now. My taste? I like music, what can I say? From the frightful 70's into my punk phase in college, where I DJ'd from '82 - '88 (discovered some great bands and, hopefully, helped them get some exposure. At least in the Greater Boston area). From then on I listened to everything, always looking for something new and different.
Being different for the sake of being different doesn't work for me, though ... neither do copycat bands. I like true originals, the ones that start music revolutions. I also have a strange aversion to anything that is too 'popular' ... if my mom has heard of a band, it's over.
Kate Bush - everything
Oh, it's a long story, but anything my KB gets me to a happy place. I was a HUGE Nina Hagen fan and I still am. She was the German Grandmother of punk, all in-your-face with her Uberself. Kate Bush was her British offspring, but not so much like her that I rejected her outright. She had a more theatrical flair and greater depth. I gave her music a listen, fell in love with her lilting voice and unique interpretations, gave in to the desperate passions that beat just beneath the surface of her music. Eeventually, I collected all of her ALBUMS and playing them until the grooves were worn off. I've just recently replaced my KB with digital files and I'm taken right back to my college days without the 4 gay roommates and the disgusting squatters' 2 bdrm. hovel we called an apartment. I won't justify my love of KB's music and I won't ever try to get anyone to listen to her if they aren't open to it because it's such a unique experience you either GET IT or you don't.
2 Skinnee J's - Love Like Mountains
Unending gratitude to T for introducing me to 2 Skinnee. They are such a unique band. I love their humor, energy, and intelligence - they are like what T would be if he was a band! This is not the most window-rattling song of theirs (usually a prerequisite for me to dig a song) but it is purty. I find myself stuck with this very pleasant earworm often. My son is a huge fan, too, especially after seeing the Sext Karate concert DVD.
Alter Bridge - Open Your Eyes
Breaking my rule of not liking anything that's on MTV ... this song made me sit up and notice Alter Bridge. Their sound was familiar and when I recognized some of the band members from Creed, I was interested. Now, I liked Creed ... liked, I LIKED them ... yes, I said it. BUT ... but I hated Scott Stapp. He had a weird look, a weird voice and a creepy little Napolean/Jesus complex. I was sad when he left Creed only because I thought Creed THE BAND was over. Then I heard they were coming back as Alter Bridge with a kickass new singer and I was hopeful. Heavier on the guitars and harmonies than before, they are a BAND now, not just the guys that back up Stapp. They didn't disappoint. Many of the songs on this album are in heavy rotation ... Metalingus is another great one.
System of a Down - Chop Suey
This was the first song I heard by SOAD and I absolutely fell in love with it. It was not only a new sound but it was almost like a Heavy Metal Queen. Our love affair continues with their latest release (Mezmerize) but this song from 2001, which I recently downloaded and rediscovered, reminds me of what caught my attention in the first place.
Seether w/Amy Lee - Broken
Beautiful song ... introduced me to Seether. Something about this song touches me. I'm not normally very sentimental (oh, shut up!) but this song seems to touch on a lot of emotions. I found an acoustic version recently that makes it feel even more intimate. Very bittersweet.
Foo Fighters - Times Like These (acoustic version)
I love me some Foo. I always thought Dave Grohl was the best thing about Nirvana (did I hear someone say they were overrated? Amen, brothah!) and he gets to show off his voice in this song. Yeah, I love the energy of the Foo Fighters and I think he screams better than most but when he slows down, well, that's the test and he passes every time. He's a Rock Star.
Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun
I love the Femmes. It was a toss-up between this song and "Just One Kiss" or "Gone Daddy Gone" or even "KISS OFF!" (emphasis mine) for that matter, but this one won out because my kids absolutely LOVE this song. Let me tell you, when your kids love a band like the Violent Femmes and you can listen to your favorite music from college without your kids wrinkling up their noses and saying "but it's so OLD", you've got it made.
UPDATE: HOLY CRAP, did you watch Jessica SLAUGHTER this song on RockStar INXS?!?! PLEASE, put us out of our misery, America, and send her home. How DARE she suck so much?!
Static-X - I'm with Stupid
Not only was this the first Static-X song I heard, but it was the first time I saw them, yes, in a music video. (BACK OFF! I CAN'T HELP IT!) I didn't know if I liked them right away but there was something about their sound that was just so ... different. I was fascinated that a band could actually make a new sound surrounded as they were by so much vanilla pop and grunge. The fact that in their video they were looked SO bizarre AND they were standing in a church playing such angry, powerful music gave the little lapsed Catholic in me a secret thrill. Since then, there have been so many bands trying to emulate them but their sound is still unique to me.
Dead Kennedys - Viva Las Vegas
I love the Kennedys but this song is just too funny to me. With an intro by Johnny Depp (as Hunter S. Thompson in one of my favorite movies, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"), there is just something so wrong about the Kennedys singing an Elvis song. It makes me laugh, what can I say? And it's waaaaaaay better than Elvis ever was. Hey, I just calls 'em like I sees 'em.
So, there is my list. Your thoughts? I don't really have anyone to tag ... I'm still thinking about it and I'll try but, if you would like to leave your list (or a link to a list) in the comments, please feel free. Right now, I have to think about calling my son since THEY HAVE NOT CALLED ME YET!!!!!! *rolls eyes*
August 1, 2005
I crawled into bed an hour or so ago, determined to just let today go. It wasn't a bad day, really, it just was. I'm tired and distracted, frustrated beyond reason about nothing at all. I figured sleep would help but as I lay there, I realized it wouldn't come. Let's recap the day.
Jazz and I are used to being alone, especially on the weekends, so she did what she would normally do on a Sunday when her brother isn't here. She made Cinnamon rolls. And she ate most of them.
I, on the other hand, did what I normally do. I checked my email, read a few blogs and settled down to watch the morning episode of the Gilmore Girls. I was kind of hoping for a call from either my mother or Joseph once they got to New Hampshire. Since this is his first time away from home, I would think that my mom or my sister would be sensitive to the fact that I might like to know that THEY GOT THERE ALIVE!
Yes, I know, if anything had happened, I would have been the first person to get a call ... but that didn't keep me from watching over the news all day and jumping every time the phone rang. I tried to distract myself by playing video games but I only succeeded to frustrate myself more.
To make matters worse, my daughter's friend kept coming over from next door to hang out and watch us play games, which amounted to "Ooo, what are you playing? How do you play that? I've never played that before *HINT HINT*". In the next, breath she started telling me how to play, which pisses me off to no end. What is is with kids when they watch adults play video games?? Don't they understand that WE MADE THE GAMES AND WE DON'T NEED TO BE TOLD HOW TO PLAY THEM BY YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPERS?!?!?! Oops, sorry, channeling my grandpa there.
By dinner time I was about out of my skin and Jazz was pestering me to go out shopping so we hit the road, heading for Rugged Wear. We shopped waaaaaay longer than we should have but we got some cute things for Jazz, all HALF OFF the clearance price. Seriously, when you can get a t-shirt for $1 and capris for $1.50, how can you go wrong?!?!
I'll tell you. Shop for 3 hours past dinner time and then realize you still have to go out to buy groceries. Can you say impulse buying?
By the time we got home, I realized I had stayed out later than I wanted to. I was thinking about T calling on his way home, thinking that Joseph would call me any time and they didn't and I totally lost track of time. I forgot all about watching INXS, which I've been watching every week, which pissed me off to no end. Actually, Jazz said we missed it and I got caught up in putting the groceries away. She put on "Who's line is it anyway?" and sat down to watch. It wasn't until I was done with the groceries and making her dinner that I looked up at the clock and realized that there were still 5 minutes left of INXS. I made her switch and I had a chance to see the very end and what's coming up tomorrow. Sheesh, what a loser.
I can't stand how distracted I am. I just want to know how he is. I worry about him being with my family for a week. I really worry about him being with my mom for a week. I know he can handle it but I don't even want to think about the damage they could be doing. It may sound alarmist but, seriously, I wouldn't be as fucked up as I am now if it weren't for them.
Guess it's a waiting game.