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October 16, 2005

I just need to know ...

I do not like my mother very much. Does that make me a bad person?


I've struggled with this my whole life. I've always wanted to just be loved and accepted for who I am. Even if I was never lucky enough to find that in a friend or lover, I should have that from a parent, right? Is that too much to ask?

I'll never understand the kind of self-absorption that leads her to seek attention, no matter the cost.

I guess I am so tired of not mattering. She makes me feel so insignificant, so inadequate. No matter how much success I might have, it'll never be enough to impress her. As a matter of fact, the more successful I am, the more resentful she becomes. Hmm, the happier I am, the less she loves me.

Wow. Major lightbulb moment there. No wonder I struggle with success. When I painted, she would always question what I was doing, how I conducted business, until I was so paralysed with self-doubt that I abandoned the retail aspect of it and focused on my custom work, the part that she had nothing to do with. Now I've achieved some successes that she has had no hand in and she has to resort to picking on my children and my parenting skills to make herself feel better.

I give. I will never have the love that I need from her. I have to just accept that.

Happy 73rd birthday, Mom. Bet you never thought you would treat me like your mother treated you, didja?

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Prosemonkey published on October 16, 2005 4:33 PM.

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