Hand over hand

Made a few steps this week. Looks like I'm coming back into the light.

Went back to karate Wednesday night. We have a new person in the beginner class. I'm uncomfortable with her in the room. I don't know what it is but something about her energy is wrong. Just can't put my finger on it. She's not respectful, is as close as I can come. Anyway, class was good. The first hour was basics because of the new girl. The next two hours was kicks, katas and sparring. Yes, I sparred. I have so much to learn but I think I can learn and that's what's important. I got a few good shots in ... even though they were giving me openings big enough to drive a truck through.

Got back to my school work today. Losing my DSL and my computer for a bit really threw me off. My kinetic energy took a beating and, I'll tell you, it's hard to build up any steam from a standstill. I knocked out a unit tonight and resubmitted a few assignments that weren't up to my standards, with only a few sidetracking computer problems. While I was putting together a webpage for an assignment, I realized that I lost all my fonts so I went font hunting, never a quick proposition for a font-a-holic. Then I realized that I had no way to FTP the page but, luckily, my favorite monkey had it tucked away for me. Once I got that installed, though, I realized I didn't have my FTP specifics for the ECU server ... by this time, it was closer to midnight so I decided I was pretty much done once I finished building the page. I'll get there.

Had our first 2 days of Intel Training for the Tech Ventures program. It was excellent, very productive. I like the other people in the program. One guy is from Worcester, MA (!!) so we talked about different places in Boston that we used to hang around when we were younger. Some people aren't taking it as seriously as I am (but really, who does take things as seriously as I do??) but I get the feeling they will get their come-uppance. Got some exciting news but I'm going to hold it close until I have confirmation. I've probably already jinxed it *throws salt over shoulder and knocks on wood*

I realized this week that an argument can be just that and it can be resolved, that everything is not always my fault and it's ok if I actually speak up when I'm upset about something. It was scary ... for someone that tries to avoid conflict as much as I do, this was paralysing ... as far as arguments go, this was rational and quiet, now that I think about it. It's ok. As a matter of fact, we're better for it.

Was able to fight through a panic attack this week. I felt the fluttering, aching in my arms, pain in my chest and back, white heat in my skull, leaden weight of my ribs squeezing ... and I came through the other side fairly quickly. I've been peckish and snippy since but that's to be expected. Just a little panic-lag. I just cover it up and smile and no one knows the difference. Right??

Went shopping today. Yeah, I know, I HATE to shop ... and today didn't help change my mind. From the BestBuy register that mysteriously shorted out when I was paying to the gaggle of children crawling underneath the dressing room stalls as I was trying on clothes (Lord help me, I almost kicked one) ... from getting a call while I was in the dressing room to tell me that my daughter was being dropped off in front of the store while I stood in my underwear, fighting the urge to play Kick the Urchin to the register at Lowe's Foods breaking down as I was paying ... from the guilt inducing call from my mother as I stood in the frozen food aisle, apparently selfishly thinking of my self and my family when I should have been thinking about her ... it was her birthday today and she made plans to go on a trip with her friends so we planned to go see her tomorrow. The call was to tell me that she didn't go and that she didn't get any sleep the night before and now she was all alone, doing nothing on her birthday and woe is me. And she was all alone on her birthday. Now she knows how it feels.

Yeah ... shopping today was not exactly a pleasant experience. I left the house at noon, several hours after I wanted to (thanks in no small part to the x), and got the dressing room call at 1. Apparently, I'm the 167 hrs/wk. parent and he's the 1 hr./wk. parent. Oh, I don't even want to go there. I was so furious and just thinking now makes my blood start to boil.

A busy week. I feel as though I'm turning a corner, though. I'm praying for patience as this next week approaches. Yes, I, the heathen, am praying. And it's ok. He listens to heathens, too, whether we believe it or not. I'm willing to take that chance.