December 2008 Archives

December 31, 2008


Inkheart (Book 1) Inkheart by Cornelia Funke

My review

My 15 yo daughter is determined to re-read the trilogy to prepare or the movie coming out in January. What can I say, I raised her to love books. ;)

Anyway, she insisted that I read them with her so she has someone to talk to. I've been meaning to read these books for a while but they are always checked out and I hate to keep books from my students. Christmas and summer vacation, though, my library is all fair game. :)

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December 24, 2008

From my house to yours

Ok, not exactly my house, but one of the houses in the Richmond area
 that we cruised by the other night. The tacky lights are becoming a tradition for us. :)

christmas08 034.jpgI do hope you have a Merry Christmas with those you love. I spent the last 5 days with my favorite people and the ride home was very long this year. I left Tim this morning and neither of us wanted it to be over; even though he'll be here in a week, this will be the longest week ever.

Not that I don't have people I love here ... I've got my kids and my mom, even though they all drive me nuts ... but he truly is my twin flame.  I feel more able to realize my true self with him. Not to be too mushy but I am absolutely his. I'll be in love with him forever, no matter where life takes us. 

December 19, 2008

Marking time

One year ago, I was coming down off the high of interviewing for the job I have been preparing myself for since I went back to grad school in 2001. I actually felt as though I was going to get it, that I had a good chance, that despite the supervisors personal dislike for me, he would see that I was miles better than the last person that had the job.

Just like tonight, I was preparing to go out of town for the start of the holiday season. That's where the similarity ends.

Tonight, I came trudging home from work, knowing in my heart that I am going to be doing the same thing over and over and over again for a long time to come.

Today, the card said "I hope you can continue to grow your media program ... "

In other words ... "I hope you realize that you suck and that you are going to rot in that place, rooted in a political quagmire, hopelessly hoping for a chance to escape ... and if you even dare to hope for anything better, I'll kick you back into place again."

Ok, so maybe I was reading between the lines.

One year ago is not so long ago, not so long that the sting of losing the job has faded, not so long that I don't still break down when I think of what my life could have been like if I had gotten the job. Not so long ago that I don't still feel like an utter failure whenever I am in the presence of the two people that slapped me down off the ladder that I was trying to climb.

Yet I stay silent. I fight the urge, I push it down. I grin and bear it "'cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground". 

What is hilarious to me is that I have been feeling this exact same feeling for 3 years now. I got passed over for the job three years ago and, oddly enough, I've been nominated for Media Coordinator of the Year three years in a row. Do I need to mention that I just turned in my third MCotY packet this afternoon, without any hope that I will get chosen. How long, Lord, how long?
I wasn't always this hopeless. Four years ago, I was more hopeful that I had ever been in my entire life. I had just met the perfect man and realized that I truly loved him - He's the one that I have waited to find my whole life, the one that has allowed me to absolve myself. I had the perfect job, one that would allow me plenty of room to grow. I had people that kept me informed when opportunities were going to be opening. I had so many things to look forward to that sometimes I was positively giddy.

Where am I now? Exactly where I was 4 years ago, just without the hope. Sure, the house and the car are better but the rest of it? The more things change, the more they stay the same. 

How long can I go on like this? Don't know. The way I felt tonight as I drove home, when it all hit me how I have spent the last year getting exactly nowhere, my guess is that I won't last much longer.

P.S.   Merry Christmas!  *ahem* Doing my best not to slip into the kind of funk I had last year. Taking my vitamins, St. John's Wort, cutting down on the caffeine and upping the water. Going to try to get enough sleep over break and do some thing that will rejuvenate my spirit.  I know I'm in dangerous waters here and I am trying to be proactive ... by request, I'm just trying to be more open about what is happening in my head so that I don't go all asplodey.   

December 13, 2008

Who knew?

The Shack

The Shack The Shack by William P. Young

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
Reading this in preparation for a Women's retreat in February with boyfriend's mom and church. This feels like a test of some sort.

UPDATE: As an intelligent, unaffiliated realist who doesn't like to have religion thrust down my throat, I took this book up carefully. Would it break the bond between my boyfriend's Mom and me if I couldn't get it? I didn't know just how heavyhanded the book would be when I started so I dipped my toes in slowly, letting the story just unfold.

I like Mack. He is a lot like me. That helped a lot, that I had such empathy for the main character. He has questions and the answers aren't easyt for him to wrap his head around ... many times I had to put the book down to think on what I had just read.

Overall, it was an eyeopener and a positive experience. Did I experience a HUGE epiphany? Not really, but I do sleep better at night knowing there are others that have intelligent answers to questions that I can accept without feeling like I've compromised and had to accept something solely on faith.

Sometimes, for some of us, faith is not enough. Sometimes we need reasons and logic before we can let go. This book helped me let go just a little bit more and I appreciate that.

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