July 2010 Archives

July 16, 2010

What dreams may come...

Woke rather late this morning, still wrapped in a pretty disturbing dream. It took me a while to get my heart rate back down and sort the dream shards from reality. The reality is that I woke up alone, tearful and conflicted, needing to talk this through. And since the operative word in that last sentence is alone, I came here.

The gist of the dream was that Tim was here visiting ... we were taking day trips, going out to dinner, watching movies, having a wonderful time as a couple. Pretty much what we do when we are together. It was a good dream, probably why I was sleeping late. It's what I want in my waking life so it's no wonder I'd rather stay there. But that's another post, back to what was so upsetting in the dream ...

We were sitting together on a porch *somewhere*, just relaxing on a porch swing, when my phone rang. It was Tim. It didn't strike me as wrong when he was sitting right next to me, probably because they are almost 2 different people. Real Life Tim is warm, chatty, loving, silly, amazing to be with,  I love RLTim. He's what I have always dreamed I would find in a partner. He is who I was canoodling with on the swing, the one I have allowed myself to love and open up to without reservations.

But the Tim that was on the phone was Long Distance Tim, the one that I am constantly connected to at a more  intellectual and digital level.  I have a strange love/hate relationship with him or, rather, with the distance. I LOVE that he and I keep connected when he isn't here but the fact remains that he isn't here. Our conversations are clipped into sentence chunks, carefully chosen for how much time is allotted. Many times, I'll start typing something and he has to leave or has something else going on so I let it go and it never gets said. Other times, I feel overwhelmed by the idea of having to type up everything I am thinking and, not wanting to create any more turmoil, I let it go.  Most of the problems I have with LDTim are my own ... I have such issues with trusting that anyone can love a less than perfect me that I leave out a lot of details when I tell him what's going on in my life.

So there I was, with LDTim on the phone, interrupting a date with RLTim and LDTim started getting upset.  He wanted me to choose between the two of them, as if they were different people and I was cheating on him with RLTim.

It struck me at that moment how much happier was with RLTim and maybe it was time to let LDTim know that but I was trapped, speechless as I often am with him, unable to say how I feel for fear of ruining things.  And he was breaking up with me, saying hurtful things and I woke alone. 

It's time for a change but I am trapped by my responsibilities, unable to move to VA to be closer to him.  And I don't see anything changing anytime soon for me.  I'm screwed.  

July 4, 2010

... and then ...

So what I have noticed it that between FaceySpace and Twitter, everyone I know and/or would talk about is privy to my every post so ... I need to use this more. Because no one comes here or cares what I have to say here. And maybe that's a good thing. Being too linked is bad for the creative process ... I find myself editing, sitting back, changing my words so that no one will be offended.

When did I start caring if I offended someone?

I know exactly when it was. When I realized that by speaking out, I had been black-balled.

I'm not going to change any of that here. It's been done. I'm not moving up here, no matter HOW much I achieve and I've accepted that. Those that have put me here will have to deal with the repercussions someday just as I have had to deal with them every single day of my life.

Karmageddon, bay-bee. Good luck with that.

Anywhooo ... I'm back. I think. Still trying to figure out where and how I fit. Still trying to raise my kids. Still having to remind myself to breathe. SSDD.

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This page is an archive of entries from July 2010 listed from newest to oldest.

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