Recently in I'm a cheeseball Category

Inside, I am full of mush. Seriously. Oozing, smooshy mushy mush full of nonpareils and jimmies. So it's kinda chunky but sickeningly sweet. This icky sticky mess is surrounded by a hard outer shell, less candy, more cynical concrete. I don't let many see the inside. When I do, the reaction I get can be anything from horror to embarassment to amusement, and the last thing I want is anyone laughing at me.

There are times, though, that I can't help myself and I have to admit, being in a healthy, long term relationship is making me relax my edges and sometimes the goo spills out. Sorry, I'll clean that up.

The other day, I woke up to find an odd email in my inbox. Apparently, 1500 points had been deposited in my XBox Live account and unless I bought them in my sleep, I had no idea how they got there.

The answer was waiting for me at work. In my work inbox (which I refuse to check from home so early in the morning) was a cute, peppy email from my sweetheart teasing me about buying Peggle from XBLA and reminding me that on Tuesday, the PEarl Jam album Ten would be available for Rock BAnd 2 and that HE put points in my account so I could buy it.

If you know me, this is the equivalent of buying me 4 dozen red roses and having them delivered to me at work via helicopter which would then whisk me away for a sunset picnic. Ok, better than that because I don't think that would do as much for me as the points in my account.

I don't buy much for myself. When I do buy for myself, I have to justify.

AND?

I love Pearl Jam. They were such a part of my life when I was a new mom. I remember being in the hospital by myself, in labor with my daughter, and watching Pearl Jam's Jeremy win the Best Video award on the MTV Video Music Awards. Something about their music spoke to me and my kids were brought up on a diet of Ten, Sarah Vaughn and classic Sesame Street.

When we first heard the entire Ten album was coming to Rock Band, I think Tim could hear me plotz all the way from Virginia. Because he is an awesome boyfriend, he told me he would buy me the DLC so I wouldn't have to scrimp or wait or choose just a few tracks. When it came closer to the actual date, it was clear that we would not be together when the album dropped so I figured I would just wait a couple of weeks. Lo and behold, my sweetheart found a way to make it work in one of sweet, sneaky romantic gestures that he is quickly becoming famous for. Sorry, babe, it's called setting a precedent.  Watch out, you may get some of my mush all over you next time I see you.

Umm ... ewww ... sorry, that was ... ANYWHOOO, speaking of romantic gestures ...

 

The Bloggess posted a link to a website that made even me tear up. How could anyone not say yes??  Though I'm not sure it's the first EVER blog proposal, it is wonderful. Luckily, she said yes.

Congratulations you crazy kids!  Many happy returns. Mommiepie, you got a keeper!


Ok, I gotta go get a mop. Ick.      

Ok, not exactly my house, but one of the houses in the Richmond area
 that we cruised by the other night. The tacky lights are becoming a tradition for us. :)


I do hope you have a Merry Christmas with those you love. I spent the last 5 days with my favorite people and the ride home was very long this year. I left Tim this morning and neither of us wanted it to be over; even though he'll be here in a week, this will be the longest week ever.

Not that I don't have people I love here ... I've got my kids and my mom, even though they all drive me nuts ... but he truly is my twin flame.  I feel more able to realize my true self with him. Not to be too mushy but I am absolutely his. I'll be in love with him forever, no matter where life takes us. 

So tomorrow I turn 44. Always looking for signs of hope (or doom), this should be a good year for me. My lucky number is 8, 4+4=8, its 2008 ... get it? Of course, something miraculous was supposed to happen on April 4th (04/04/08) but as luck would have it, the closest that I could come to that was watching my daughter sing in a concert on April 5, so ... I guess the REAL luck doesn't start until tomorrow. When I turn 44.

44.

w o w.

I don't feel 44. I don't think I look 44. I certainly don't think I act 44. What if I'm wrong and I'm really only 34? Maybe there was a mistake made somewhere along the way, maybe numbers were transposed, maybe I fell through a wormhole, maybe ... not. I look at my mother and I see a 75 year old lady (who, by the way, doesn't act 75). I look at my brothers and see guys in their mid-50s trying to pretend they aren't. I look at my sister and I see her heart on her sleeve and how she fights to keep everyone, and herself, together ... age is catching up to everyone.

I look at myself, though, and, for the most part, I don't see a 44 year old.

I still see the little 4 year old who stood on a stepstool next to her father to watch him shave on Sunday morning, knowing that this was the closest she would ever get to him.

I see the 14 year old sitting by the window, watching her neighborhood friends walk toward St. Anne's church for the funeral of the boy she had a crush on, unable to bring herself to join them.

I see the 24 year old in her cap and gown, graduating while planning a wedding in her head,  fingers calloused from sewing glass beads on her handmade dress nervously drumming on her knee as she scans the crowd for a glimpse of her family.

I see the 34 year old sitting on the back steps of her rented house long after the kids were asleep, smoking a cigarette by the light of the full moon and drowning alone in a glass of Merlot, wondering how she would be able to keep a roof over their heads if she left him.

I don't see a 44 year old. I see that same fear of rejection, that same solitary mourning, that same overwhelmed distraction, that same resolute responsibility that I have always seen. I haven't changed. Just the calendar has.

Happy birthday to me.

I know I complain a lot about my kids. I know sometimes I focus on the worst of them, not the best. And sometimes I resent the fact that I am the sole parent and provider for our family of three, especially when I am not allowed to have a moment to myself while the sperm donor can go a month without even thinking about them.

I have to say, though, that most of my complaining comes from guilt. Guilt that I am not a better mom. Guilt that I want a moment to myself. Guilt that as a sole parent and provider, I am not able to provide everything they need ... time, money, clothes, toys, indulgences that their friends all have. Guilt that I, by choosing this life of single parenthood, have cheated them out of a normal childhood. And now I'm facing guilt that by putting myself through school for my second licensure so that I could get a better job (and being "insufferable" in the process ... my daughter's word for me) and then NOT getting it ... well, I have screwed up, big time.

Go ahead, say it. Suck it up. Cry a river, build a bridge and GET OVER IT. Keep your eyes on the prize.

Yeah. I'm trying. I really am. I've been trying since December. It's not getting better. Or at least it keeps coming back.

I find myself now with only 3 weeks left of the school year in front of me, a week of work after that, and a full summer to recuperate because I didn't ask to be a part of Summer Academy and I'm not taking any classes and I'm not spending the entire summer working for once.

So what am I going to do? Can I make up all my parenting deficiencies in 10 short weeks?

I don't know. T won't be coming down until sometime in July ... and I shouldn't complain because he was here all last summer helping me move and get settled and then recover from surgery but it still hurts, this distance growing larger every day. Sure, I am going up there for a wedding at the end of this month and for a race next month but those will be one day events, with me rushing to get back home because of the kids. Because I can't leave them with anyone. Because of the guilt.


It all comes down to being brought up Catholic, I'm sure of it.

When I Close My Eyes
by Jim Papoulis

When I close my eyes I can see,
When I close my eyes I'm alive,
When I close my eyes then I can see
And I am not afraid.

When I try not to see the reasons why,
If I ever could understand,
I would find the hope to let me try
And I am not afraid.

Take me to the river, take me to the sea,
Climb the highest mountain
And go there with me.
When I close my eyes then I can see
And I am not afraid.

Now I am learning the magic within me
and that is the reason I am standing so tall.
Deep in my heart is a voice that is speaking,
If I keep believing then I will not fall.

Take me to where the wind blows,
Take me to the sun.
Take me to the river that flows to the sea.
When I try to see the reasons why,
If I ever could understand.
I would find the hope to let me try
And I am not afraid.


from SOUNDS OF A BETTER WORLD
ed. by Francisco J. Nunez



Sung by an incredibly talented group of young singers, of course that brought tears to my eyes. My daughter was part of the older group, the Youth Chorale, who followed the littler ones. I'm glad I came out of my routine enough to let her join the Choral Society. She obviously loves singing and has great respect for the music they chose. I watched proudly as they sang songs in German, Latin, Hebrew and finished up with a good ole' American Folk Song. She stood tall, strong, brave ... I thought she looked very professional. Was that my girl?  *checks program* Yeppers. Who knew?

Propped myself up this morning to do my taxes and, in an attempt to put off grocery shopping, began surfing the intarwebs. Let me tell you, it always makes me feel insignificant and incredibly boring when I do this. Not only do I not post very often but I don't have anything original or insightful to say.

SO, in an attempt to be relevant, I'm going to pretend that I got tagged with a meme and post my own answers to the question "5 things I never pictured in my future when I was 25".

Let's see, can I even remember 25??  That would be 1989, I had been married for three years, out of college for one year, and I was an advertising clerk working at the Salem Evening News, a local newspaper with a readership of 90,000. I was feisty, opinionated, and unhappy. I was married to someone who was not what I thought he was when we met and I was feverishly trying to do anything to make him happy. We were living in a rented apartment (half a house) and he changed jobs frequently ... we lived in constant fear of repossessions and bill collectors ... and my measly salary was barely enough to pay the bills.  Here's what I never pictured in my future ...


1)  Children.  Look up dysfunctional in the dictionary and there's my family. I didn't think I should have kids because I thought I was going to be a horrible parent. I had to learn how to be a good parent by doing the opposite of what was done to me.

My kids, however, became my reason to keep living. My son was born in '91, my daughter in '93, and my devotion to them has made me keep fighting, long after most would have given up. They have turned out alright, I think. Thanks, chillins. You rock.

2)  Divorce.   When I said "...until death does part us", I meant it. I didn't want my kids to ever go through divorce like I did ... I became determined to keep it together even if my marriage killed me. And it almost did.  Getting divorced was one of the most dreaded, most dangerous decisions I've ever made in my life. We're talking restraining order, going to the family violence shelter to hide kind of dangerous. I could not allow that man to put his hands on my children or me ever again.

In the end, I had to decide that I would rather them go through divorce than think that marriage was supposed to make you miserable.


3) Owning my own home!!    Ok, this one I thought I would have well before I was 43 but at 25, I was beginning to realize that my husband and I would never be able to own our own home. That realization is what made us move to the South when I was 30 ... and the next 6 years was spent running up so much debt that the dream became a painful sore spot. It wasn't until last year, with distance from him and some judicious money management on my part, that I was able to apply for and get a mortgage ... on my own.  So now I own my very own house.

Owning my own home is kind of a disappointment, though. I always dreamed I would do this with someone else, not on my own. Now I'm extremely proud that I did this by myself but it's not what I wanted. I wanted a home, a marriage, a family, a dog, the whole enchilada. Guess I have to take what I can make for myself, though.


4)  Owning my own NEW car!!!!   Ha, this is something I always dreamed of but knew I wouldn't be able to do on my own. Every car/truck/van I had my name on also had the x's name on it and I was left with nothing after the divorce, even though I was the one making the payments while he was off carousing for a year.

I payed cash for a (very) used van before this and, while LaTonya was a sweet gas-guzzling ho, she went all asplodey on us late one night. The next morning I found myself at our local Toyota dealer, praying I would be able to afford something, anything.  She's not much but my 2005 'Yota is da bomb-diggity and she has the heart of a lion.


5) True love.  Yeah, by 25 I had figured my chance for any kind of love was over. I was stuck with who I had chosen and doomed to never know what it felt like to be loved. I didn't deserve love, I was told, and I was lucky to get what I had. I thought I had loved in the past, and now looking back, I can see that I had truer, deeper feelings for one of my college boyfriends than I ever did for my X, but that was a doomed relationship also. Truly loving and being loved was foreign to me, until I had my children. I never knew that I would willingly die for someone or that I could find a reason to live in such a small package.

That's not the only love I have, though. I've learned that I am lovable, that I can love, that I deserve to be happy just like a normal person, because I found T.  He's the real deal I never thought I would get a chance to find.



I realize now there are so many more things I never thought I would do in my future ... go back to school (twice!), survive a flood, become a teacher, ride a roller coaster, go to a drag race, and the list goes on and on.  Basically, thinking about these "5 things that I never pictured in my future when I was 25" has made me realize that, at 25, I never thought I was going to have a future.  Guess I was wrong. 

How about you? 

All together now! AWWWWWW!!!!

Finally, the long weekend at the end of the endless week. I thought it would never get here. Looks like I have lost my assistant permanently to the office. I was so broken at the end of the day yesterday, I left 2 full carts of books to be put up. I just couldn't do it anymore.

The boy is with the sperm donor and the girl is with her friend's grandparents place on the river. I was facing a weekend alone, wondering what I was supposed to do with myself and tempted to just jump in the car and drive until I couldn't anymore. I have plenty I need to do but nothing I want to do and escape sounded like a good plan.

Luckily, T decided on a whim to come down this weekend, since I have Monday off, and we find ourselves alone in the house for the first 24+ hours of his visit. We have an agenda and it includes lots of canoodling, calamari and GH3 co-op. I can't tell you how restorative time with him is. I was feeling physically battered and so tense this week ... just a few hours together has helped me relax already.  Maybe it was watching the fish in the tank at Gilligan's that did it.

Ok, back to my sweetheart. We had a late lunch so we need to get something to eat before bed. Lord knows we have to keep our strength up.


What? GH3 takes a lot out of you!

So last we spoke, I had gotten some prescriptions from my doctor and was hoping I would be more better soon. Good and not-so-good news on that front.

My incision is finally healing (yippee!!!), I'm occasionally getting restful sleep (thank you, 8 lb. 6 oz. baby Jesus) and I was beginning to feel more hopeful. Just as my body was getting used to the Lexapro, I saw my doctor for a follow-up. I mentioned that I was worried about the cost of the So-called-Magic-Medicine-with-FDA-Approved-Generic that unfortunately, because of lawsuits, will not be available to the general public until at least 2012 (and thus will cost a whopping $50/mo. with insurance) because I know me ... if it comes down to a tight month like last month and I have to either pay for my kids lunch or my prescription, my kids win every time.  She suggested I switch to the comparable Celexa ($10/mo for the available generic) and that sounded more my speed (and budget).

Well, the switch from one to the other isn't as smooth as I would like. I'm under extreme stress at work (installing the new furniture and under pressure to finish it all as soon as possible, as well as the normal first few weeks of school stress), I'm still physically recovering (weak as a kitten, I think, sums it up) and I've beeen a bit woozy as I transition from Lexapro to Celexa. Apparently, side effects can be nausea, headache, dry mouth, unbridled use of hyphens (and the often obnoxious overuse of parenthetical asides).

I'm hoping to level out soon because right now, I'm feeling doubtful, paranoid, anxious ... and my emotional flutters are a supreme annoyance, especially now. T's family is going through a sadness but I am too far away from them to help and I desperately want to be closer. Even if I can only be by his side as a buffer for emotions. Above all, I need to hold him ... 150 miles never felt so far away.  Just wishing for a green light.

Ok, back to my normal Sunday of cleaning, homework, TV and caffeine over-indulgence with my phone by my side, as usual. 


OH ... AND it's 2 days before the girl's 14th birthday and I have NOTHING, PEOPLE!!!!!   :(