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May 18, 2008

Being a mom lately

I know I complain a lot about my kids. I know sometimes I focus on the worst of them, not the best. And sometimes I resent the fact that I am the sole parent and provider for our family of three, especially when I am not allowed to have a moment to myself while the sperm donor can go a month without even thinking about them.

I have to say, though, that most of my complaining comes from guilt. Guilt that I am not a better mom. Guilt that I want a moment to myself. Guilt that as a sole parent and provider, I am not able to provide everything they need ... time, money, clothes, toys, indulgences that their friends all have. Guilt that I, by choosing this life of single parenthood, have cheated them out of a normal childhood. And now I'm facing guilt that by putting myself through school for my second licensure so that I could get a better job (and being "insufferable" in the process ... my daughter's word for me) and then NOT getting it ... well, I have screwed up, big time.

Go ahead, say it. Suck it up. Cry a river, build a bridge and GET OVER IT. Keep your eyes on the prize.

Yeah. I'm trying. I really am. I've been trying since December. It's not getting better. Or at least it keeps coming back.

I find myself now with only 3 weeks left of the school year in front of me, a week of work after that, and a full summer to recuperate because I didn't ask to be a part of Summer Academy and I'm not taking any classes and I'm not spending the entire summer working for once.

So what am I going to do? Can I make up all my parenting deficiencies in 10 short weeks?

I don't know. T won't be coming down until sometime in July ... and I shouldn't complain because he was here all last summer helping me move and get settled and then recover from surgery but it still hurts, this distance growing larger every day. Sure, I am going up there for a wedding at the end of this month and for a race next month but those will be one day events, with me rushing to get back home because of the kids. Because I can't leave them with anyone. Because of the guilt.

It all comes down to being brought up Catholic, I'm sure of it.

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Prosemonkey published on May 18, 2008 8:52 PM.

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