September 2007 Archives

"You can not control  the actions of others; you can only control your reaction to their actions."
                                                                                                    -Dr. B


I have kind of a long story to get out so I may condense but who knows ... once I start writing, I may decide this needs a full rant.

Anyone that knows me knows I am a gentle, patient person. I believe that there is good in everyone and I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. The fact that I stayed married for to an abusive, domineering, narcissistic misogynist for 15 years proves that I will do almost anything to try to make things work out. Since my divorce, though, I have had to be stronger, removing toxic relationships from my life and doing anything to make sure my kids are provided for. I don't rely on anyone because, in the end, I'm the only one I can always rely on.

Over the past few years, my life has taken a turn for the better. I got a stable job and I do it well. I've gotten my Masters AND a licensure on top of that, going to school and working full time,  keeping my eyes on the prize. Now I have a house and I'm paying my bills and doing it, for real for real ... without much help at all from the X.

The X ...  over the past few years, his life has steadily gone downhill. He's had a few jobs, lost his CDL license, gotten behind in all his bills. He even took me to court to cut his child support in half ... and I, in my stupid charitable way, allowed him to do this because if I didn't, he would have ended up in jail and nothing would be gained by that.

About 2 or 3 months ago, he let me know that he had been contacted by a certain agency that has interests overseas and they wanted to hire him as a translator ... the up side, lots of money ... the downside, umm, war.  He could be gone for a year or two and, honestly, there is a very real possibility that he will not come back.

I made peace with this reality surprisingly quickly. I'm not proud.

This week,  I have been helping him renew his passport so I have talked to him more over the past 7 days than I have for a year, and maybe that's why I came to this point. On top of working 12 hour days to get my library put back together, I'm dealing with him, filling out and printing applications and listening to his inane chatter while I'm looking up information for him online and explaining the SAME FRACKIN' THING over and over again because he is too DENSE to get it!!!! 

*whew* yeah, maybe I should have let him know I've going back on meds and he maybe should not push me around just now until I stabilize.

Maybe it's the meds. Maybe I'm just exhausted. Maybe I just could not stomach one more person not appreciating me. Maybe, just maybe, I have a lot of spiritual work to do.

Earlier today, I realized that we would all be better off if he didn't come home from this job and, as soon as I said it out loud, I realized how ugly that was, how very un-Christian ... and I felt ashamed.   I was disappointed in myself. Once I caught myself, I had resolved to be more charitable and patient with him. And then he calls and acts like a total prick. And I tried my hardest to not be rational and patient and listen but he plucked my last nerve.

He called me tonight after I picked up my very angry son and told me some things. Like how I should raise my son.  Like how I ignore him and spend all my time with my daughter. Like how the boy is scared to tell me that he has a girlfriend.  Like how its my fault he's an angry 15 year old.

I went off on him, something I almost never do. I'd had enough.  No one tells me how to raise my children, especially  someone who HASN'T RAISED A CHILD. He has the luxury of being the boy's friend because he's not there to deal with the consequences. He can do things against my wishes because he thinks I won't find out. More than that, he thinks I won't fight back. Well, tonight I did.


And now I'm back to where I was earlier. A very, very ugly place. And God doesn't like ugly.

I may or may not send this back but I thought I would post it anyway.

Put an X by all the things you've done, and remove the X from the ones you have not, and share it with your friends (if you have any after this).

This is for your entire life:

(X) Smoked a cigarette
(X) Drank so much you threw up
( ) Crashed a friend's car (but I did drive a drunk friend home one time after she went left around a rotary)
( ) Stolen a car
(X) Hitch-hiked
(X) Been in love
(X) Been dumped
(X) Dumped someone
(X) Been laid off/fired
(X) Quit your job
(X) Been in a fist fight
(X) Snuck out of your parent's house
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) Been arrested
(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Lied to a friend
(X) Skipped school
(X)Seen someone die
(X) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
( ) Been to Hawaii
(X) Been lost (please, I'm lost right now)
(X) Been on a train
(X) Been on a plane
( ) Been on the opposite side of the country
(X) Gone to Washington , DC
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Felt like dying
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons/markers  
( ) Sang karaoke (not interested, really, though I LOVE to sing)
(X) Paid for a meal with only coins
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) Laughed till you peed your pants 
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about or love
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Made a bonfire on the beach (in my yard, too)
(X) Crashed a party
(X) Gone Ice-skating (Yes, grew up with a pond practically in my backyard and we would clear it every winter)
(X) Gone roller skating

is that it??


*sigh* and then the standard ...


1. Any nickname?   Booger
2. Mother's name? Sylvia
3. What is your favorite drink? anything with caffeine ... or water ... caffeinated water would be perfect.
4. Tattoos?  0  ...  :(
5. Body piercing? 6 in my ears
6. How much do you love your job?  I love what I do ... my job has its moments.
7. Birthplace?  Peabody, Massachusetts
8. Favorite vacation spot?   the farm ... I don't really take vacations so my weekend jaunts are my escape.
9. Ever been to Africa?  Nope
10. Ever steal any traffic signs?   hmm, do street signs count?
11. Ever been in a car accident?  Yes
12. A, B, C, D, DD cup size?  (this is relevant ... how??)
13. 4 Door?  Yes, Corolla Sedan. 
14. Salad dressing? Caesar or Ranch
15. Favorite number?  8
15  letters in full name? 17
16. Favorite movie?  too many
17. Favorite holiday? yes
18. Favorite food? Pizza
19. Favorite day of the week? the weekend
20. Favorite brand of body soap?  Bath & Body Works shower gels (Warm Vanilla Sugar)
21. Favorite TV shows? Top Chef, Flipped, Hell's Kitchen ... any kind of competition/reality kind of show that deals with stuff I'm interested in and think I know something about. I must be judgmental but I really like to try to pick the winners and losers.
22. Toothpaste?  Yes
23. Favorite smells?  Fresh cut pine, baking bread, oranges, basil, t-shirt pillowcases ...
24. What do you do to relax? Read, game, umm, other things ...
25. Message to your friends reading this?    ummmm, hi? 
26. How do you see yourself in 10 years?   distance teaching at a university, writing my 3rd book, sitting on a porch drinking coffee and feeling blessed to be alive.
27. What do you do when you are bored?  Sleep ... read ... clean (if I'm really desperate or stressed)
28. Farthest place you will send this message?  to teh Interwebs ... the tubes are pretty long

"I have a black belt in crazy!"
                       -Rachel (14)

So last we spoke, I had gotten some prescriptions from my doctor and was hoping I would be more better soon. Good and not-so-good news on that front.

My incision is finally healing (yippee!!!), I'm occasionally getting restful sleep (thank you, 8 lb. 6 oz. baby Jesus) and I was beginning to feel more hopeful. Just as my body was getting used to the Lexapro, I saw my doctor for a follow-up. I mentioned that I was worried about the cost of the So-called-Magic-Medicine-with-FDA-Approved-Generic that unfortunately, because of lawsuits, will not be available to the general public until at least 2012 (and thus will cost a whopping $50/mo. with insurance) because I know me ... if it comes down to a tight month like last month and I have to either pay for my kids lunch or my prescription, my kids win every time.  She suggested I switch to the comparable Celexa ($10/mo for the available generic) and that sounded more my speed (and budget).

Well, the switch from one to the other isn't as smooth as I would like. I'm under extreme stress at work (installing the new furniture and under pressure to finish it all as soon as possible, as well as the normal first few weeks of school stress), I'm still physically recovering (weak as a kitten, I think, sums it up) and I've beeen a bit woozy as I transition from Lexapro to Celexa. Apparently, side effects can be nausea, headache, dry mouth, unbridled use of hyphens (and the often obnoxious overuse of parenthetical asides).

I'm hoping to level out soon because right now, I'm feeling doubtful, paranoid, anxious ... and my emotional flutters are a supreme annoyance, especially now. T's family is going through a sadness but I am too far away from them to help and I desperately want to be closer. Even if I can only be by his side as a buffer for emotions. Above all, I need to hold him ... 150 miles never felt so far away.  Just wishing for a green light.

Ok, back to my normal Sunday of cleaning, homework, TV and caffeine over-indulgence with my phone by my side, as usual. 


OH ... AND it's 2 days before the girl's 14th birthday and I have NOTHING, PEOPLE!!!!!   :(

If I wait to post until I have the time to post the huge assed post I owe, I'll never post so ... yup, you got it, short and sweet it is. 'Cause I'm bubbling over and I've got nowhere else to go with this.

Seemed I have turned a corner in my recovery. A week and a half ago, my doctor gave me 3 prescriptions ... a Z-pac for the slight infection that we thought might be developing in one of my incisions, Ambien to help me get some sleep (because I was getting, like, NONE ... full blown nightmares whenever I tried), and Lexapro for Depression/Anxiety.

*sigh*

Yes, after 7 years, I'm medicated again. I didn't want to go down this path but I don't think I have a choice. I was actually relieved that she suggested it because I was having a hard time even admitting that I was having a problem.  I have been struggling so that I could have some control over a situation that I just had to let go and accept ... not having control frightens me. It puts me right back at the top of the stairs listening to the screaming and slamming and sirens, waiting for the anger downstairs to swallow me whole.

I just hope I can be less ... crazy/obsessive/afraid/angry/overwhelmed/sad/lonely. It's really disabling. I'm not so Pollyannic to think that I can actually be happy and well-adjusted, but I would really like to be able to relish the joys I do have in my life.

And I do have joys. I have T. I have my kids. I have a house. I have a job that I'm good at.  And right now, I have to remember how lucky I am to have them and stop making myself so fucking crazy.

Last month was tight. Like ... wait-until-after-payday-to-buy-groceries-and-fill-the-tank tight. Like ... lose-sleep-stressing-how-to-make-it tight. Luckily, it's about time for my yearly raise.

Payday came, I saw the raise and almost immediately relaxed. The extra would help me breathe a little easier, especially with all the medical bills I have to face. 

Tonight, though, I lost my raise. In a blink, I've got to pay for Japanese workbooks for my son ($49), a performance dress ($94) and a gym uniform ($20) for my daughter, not to mention the school fees, school supplies and clothes I had promised to buy after payday ...

My head hurts ... my shoulders feel like they are up around my ears ... and I'm angry.


I resent my ex for his lack of contribution to the support of his children. His bi-monthly payments are measly and his interaction with them is minimal. He still sees them as they were when he left them ... a bright, funny 1st grade little girl and a serious, smart 2nd grade little boy.

Unfortunately, they are high schoolers now, talking about cars and college and oh. my. god. my daughter is turning 14 in just over a week and I don't even know how I will pay my bills this month, never mind get her a present.

And what will he get her? Nothing. He won't even remember her birthday. Asshole.