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September 4, 2007
Getting to be *almost* like a habit
If I wait to post until I have the time to post the huge assed post I
owe, I'll never post so ... yup, you got it, short and sweet it is.
'Cause I'm bubbling over and I've got nowhere else to go with this.
Seemed I have turned a corner in my recovery. A week and a half ago, my doctor gave me 3 prescriptions ... a Z-pac for the slight infection that we thought might be developing in one of my incisions, Ambien to help me get some sleep (because I was getting, like, NONE ... full blown nightmares whenever I tried), and Lexapro for Depression/Anxiety.
*sigh*
Yes, after 7 years, I'm medicated again. I didn't want to go down this path but I don't think I have a choice. I was actually relieved that she suggested it because I was having a hard time even admitting that I was having a problem. I have been struggling so that I could have some control over a situation that I just had to let go and accept ... not having control frightens me. It puts me right back at the top of the stairs listening to the screaming and slamming and sirens, waiting for the anger downstairs to swallow me whole.
I just hope I can be less ... crazy/obsessive/afraid/angry/overwhelmed/sad/lonely. It's really disabling. I'm not so Pollyannic to think that I can actually be happy and well-adjusted, but I would really like to be able to relish the joys I do have in my life.
And I do have joys. I have T. I have my kids. I have a house. I have a job that I'm good at. And right now, I have to remember how lucky I am to have them and stop making myself so fucking crazy.
Seemed I have turned a corner in my recovery. A week and a half ago, my doctor gave me 3 prescriptions ... a Z-pac for the slight infection that we thought might be developing in one of my incisions, Ambien to help me get some sleep (because I was getting, like, NONE ... full blown nightmares whenever I tried), and Lexapro for Depression/Anxiety.
*sigh*
Yes, after 7 years, I'm medicated again. I didn't want to go down this path but I don't think I have a choice. I was actually relieved that she suggested it because I was having a hard time even admitting that I was having a problem. I have been struggling so that I could have some control over a situation that I just had to let go and accept ... not having control frightens me. It puts me right back at the top of the stairs listening to the screaming and slamming and sirens, waiting for the anger downstairs to swallow me whole.
I just hope I can be less ... crazy/obsessive/afraid/angry/overwhelmed/sad/lonely. It's really disabling. I'm not so Pollyannic to think that I can actually be happy and well-adjusted, but I would really like to be able to relish the joys I do have in my life.
And I do have joys. I have T. I have my kids. I have a house. I have a job that I'm good at. And right now, I have to remember how lucky I am to have them and stop making myself so fucking crazy.
