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June 25, 2011
Time for a change
A lot is going to be changing for me over this summer. Since I'm very connected to work and friends and family on Facebook, I'm going to be documenting the changes here. Only those that knows me best know about this place and the changes I'm making are not exactly for everyone to know about. Eventually, everyone will know, for it will be right there in their faces, but for now, I'm keeping some things under wraps.
Why? Let's just say I feel there are people who would not exactly wish me well on my journey. People that like me just the way (they think) I am ... a complacent, docile doormat. I have bitten my tongue for a long time, letting injustices and slights go unchallenged. I've taken an awful lot of toxic shit from family members, supposed friends, team-mates and exes, all in the name of taking the high road and allowing karma to drive. And it worked, to a point ... except for that toxic part.
Why? Let's just say I feel there are people who would not exactly wish me well on my journey. People that like me just the way (they think) I am ... a complacent, docile doormat. I have bitten my tongue for a long time, letting injustices and slights go unchallenged. I've taken an awful lot of toxic shit from family members, supposed friends, team-mates and exes, all in the name of taking the high road and allowing karma to drive. And it worked, to a point ... except for that toxic part.
This past year has been particularly emotional for me and I found
myself, more than once, without a voice, literally and figuratively. I'm
getting nowhere professionally and I am truly on the verge of giving up
my passion. It seems every time I achieve something, it either gets
ignored or someone else gets recognition for doing the very same thing. I
don't complain anymore, though, because remember that time when I spoke
up before that I got slapped back down? Yeah, I don't think I have ever
really recovered from that. I know for sure my career hasn't. Add to
that an abusive marriage and a lifetime of living in shame and you end
up with a pushover that has a lot of pent up anger and aggression
inside.
Yeah, you could say I'm pretty much *up to here* with self-loathing. Never in my life have I ever thought I was worth fighting for. My kids are. My school is. My boyfriend is. But me? Meh, not so much.
And that, my friends, is right where the changes are going to happen. Which will set off other changes in a domino effect that might shake a lot of people up.
Am I making sense at all?
No?
Sorry, but not really. Right now, I have more questions than answers and the next few weeks will bring about more disclosure ... when I'm ready to talk. Not quite there yet but I promised myself, I would get there.
Yeah, you could say I'm pretty much *up to here* with self-loathing. Never in my life have I ever thought I was worth fighting for. My kids are. My school is. My boyfriend is. But me? Meh, not so much.
And that, my friends, is right where the changes are going to happen. Which will set off other changes in a domino effect that might shake a lot of people up.
Am I making sense at all?
No?
Sorry, but not really. Right now, I have more questions than answers and the next few weeks will bring about more disclosure ... when I'm ready to talk. Not quite there yet but I promised myself, I would get there.
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