June 2007 Archives

Nothing like moving your household to make you realize just how much crap you have.

There is also nothing like trying to move your house to make you realize just how very much work there is to be done ... far too much for one person. I have let my kids pack and prepare their own rooms ... but it's been almost 2 weeks now and we get a truck on Monday and, honestly, its taken me almost a week to get my room packed. Of course, we spent several days painting the new house but ... who's going to do the rest of the house? Why me, of course. The bath? yup, that would be me, too. Kitchen also, and living room. Closets, laundry room, attic, shed ... all on me.

I'm planning on having a yard sale on Saturday to get rid of the biggest crap. Much of the smaller crappity crap is being tossed.

Oh, and what about the matter of cleaning this house after we finish moving?

*le sigh* Crappity crap crap.

Yes, I am feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, slightly emotional but more melancholy than that, realizing how I really can not count on anyone to just pitch in and do what needs to be done. Dishes piling up? Litter box full? Laundry?

*le heavier sigh*

I just want it all to be over and done with. I can't wait until I sleep through the night at my new house and wake up without aching knees, without anything to do that would require me to down a handful of Advil just to be able to do it.

Almost there, I really am. Just a few more days and it'll be over and I'll be home. Prayers of strength and patience are needed. If you could see yourself clear to offer a few words of grace, I would greatly appreciate it.

Ok, T is sick of seeing the green pics of the kitchen so I'm going to start posting pics of the new house. We worked awfully hard to cover that green, dammit.

Here are the disemboweled cabinets ...

And my helper, putting it all back together...

Every girl needs a cordless drill. This one was a housewarming present from T's Dad, who knows this is true ...

And here's the fridge (with ICE inside!!!) so you can see at least a little of it put back together.

I'll post more as soon as I can clear enough work/snack debris ... we're still cleaning, moving small loads, painting, planning ... but we're trying to get ready for a yard sale this weekend, so we can sell some of the crap we don't want to move.

Personally, I'd rather leave it all and start over, even if it means living in a pretty, freshly painted (empty) house.
At least I can take time moving this time so I can get rid of a lot of the crap that I brought from the old house out of panic and desperation.

I stood in my new kitchen yesterday, thinking how ghetto I was that I was excited about having a dishwasher ... and a disposal ... and an ICE MAKER in the fridge. How excited I am about being able to paint my walls whatever color I want them. How I immediately thought of the most extreme paint job I could come up with and went with RED walls to go with my (newly) white cabinets and black/chrome accessories.

We have spent the last 3 days painting, then coming back to the 'old house' to fall down exhausted. And T was there with me every day, sometimes feeling in the way, sometimes feeling helpless ... but it was all good because he was there with me. Having him here this past weekend was perfect ... not only did I have someone to hold me when I cried but he laughed with me when I just sat there grinning like an idiot. And I don't think he thought I was ghetto for being amazed at what I have (two and a half baths people ... that is a toilet for every ass in my family!!! and ICE! Did I mention the ice??) ... I think he knows me and where I came from and how we have been living for the past 3 years that we have been together and he knows we deserve better. I think he is proud of me.

I am very proud of myself. I did this. ME.

Hell yes, I'm independent and it's not a bad thing, no matter what my mom says.

OH ... before I go ... here are before pictures of my kitchen/dining room. Will post afters as soon as I'm done trimming this freaking white against the red!!

Ok, I like green ... green is my favorite color ... but this green? Wow ... it had to go.

And what in all that is holy were they thinking, painting the cabinet bodies green?!?!?! On the third coat of white now to cover it up. Just wait until you see how pretty it is. *excited giggle*

I've got the key. It fit the lock and opened the door to my house.

Yes, I own a townhouse. It's mine. No, don't listen to the guy at the bank saying it's really theirs for the next 30 years, SCREW HIM, it's mine.

I'm a homeowner.

W O W

Letting it sink in. We are heading over there in a bit to start taking the cabinet doors off the hinges and paint. T is here with his Dad's truck but we're not doing a lot of the moving now. Right now it's a lot of packing and carrying little things over there and just sitting there to let it all sink in.

I can't stop grinning. T keeps asking me what I'm thinking or why I'm smiling and I don't know how to tell him that I'm just happy. I don't think he's ever seen me just happy. Sure when we are together I'm happier than I am normally but this ... this is a 'cat that ate the canary' type of happiness.

I know it seems like a small thing, but I'll write more and try to (over)explain when I have more time and when I don't have an adorable boyfriend sitting so close to me being so darn cute and sweet and distracting. And a house sitting across town just waiting to be painted.

I have the best intentions. Really I do. Sure, I get pissed occasionally and fly off the handle and I'm sure I complain too much and I have this tendency to wallow but ... and this is a big but (almost as big as my own) ... I am, to my core, a good person that would not hurt a flea on purpose. This tends to make me somewhat of a doormat, though I am trying to change that.

Typically, the frustration and chaos of anger (both mine and from others) causes me to melt down. This, of course, puts me in a precarious position when dealing with a toxic person, especially someone that knows me well enough to try to take advantage of my inner turmoil. I also know what it is like to be berated, threatened and frightened ... a lifetime with verbal abuse makes me very empathetic ... and that, along with my tendency to get tongue-tied and teary-eyed, is probably the main reason why I try to avoid confrontation like the plague.

When I do finally blow up, I try to never aim my anger directly at anyone that doesn't deserve it. Anger, especially pent-up anger, can hurt as much as a balled fist to the solar plexus, especially when it's undeserved and it catches you off guard. For the most part, I will bite my tongue until I can handle things in a diplomatic way. At times this manifests itself as a distant glowering but, honestly, I would rather hold back until I can sort through my thoughts and present a calm, rational facade. Many times, during these silent simmers, I've been taken advantage of because I could not speak or stand up for myself. Once I finally do get mad and let people know how I feel, I get on firmer ground but, man, do I suck at it.

Where is all this emotional spelunking leading us? Well, as you may have noticed if you read this blog at all, I'm buying a townhouse. You may also have noticed that I was waiting until I knew it would go through before telling my mother. Long story short, I have a lot riding on this and, being the superstitious Irish lass that I am, I'm afraid to count my chickens and, even more afraid to tell my mom I have chickens.

Hmm ... where was I? Pretty bad when I lose track of my own analogy. I'll attribute that to it being very stressed out as I try to get through the very end of a very bad year on top of trying to orchestrate moving a household and coordinating the renovation of our media center. You can understand that, right? Really? You can?? Then why can't my mom, who has known me and how I work for 43 years?

What I'm trying to get at (yes, I finally did remember ... shut it) is that I told my mom. And it did not go well. Rather than being happy/proud of me, she was mad that I had not told her anything and how could I have left her out of my decision and isn't she important enough to tell and no one cares about her anymore ...

It got ugly.

I actually stood up to her, something I don't do because she pulls the 'poor me' crap but just the fact that this was SO important to me and she was trying to make it about her pissed me off. She hung up on me without asking me about the house.

The next time we spoke (I called) she didn't mention the house at all.

The next time we spoke (I called again) she finally asked a question or two about it but every answer I gave her was met with a snide (to my ears) comment so my remaks became perfunctory until she got the message and we got off the phone.

F*ck you, Ma.

There, that was what I really wanted to tell her. I'll let it go now and move on. After all, I have a new house to move into. *crossing fingers*