May 2006 Archives

You know that feeling you get when you just want to escape? When you throw your stuff in the car, climb in, and suddenly realize that you can't go home, that you have to take a left turn instead of going straight or you might suffocate?

Yeah, well, that was me today ... only when I turned left and drove, it didn't get any better, no matter how far I went. So when driving for 45 minutes didn't work, I parked by the Town Commons and walked. When I got tired, I sat on the grass. And even that didn't work.

So I got up and went back to the car. I realized it was no use, that I have no way to escape.

How do you explain to your kids that being a parent is killing you? That every choice that you have made to make their lives better, that they don't appreciate, is making your life worse? That you want to just quit everything and run away but you can't because their very existence is stopping you.

I'm angry because I have no choices. Because I can't run away, no matter how much I want to.

In the end, I realized that I had no choice but to go home and suffocate.

I'm about to become the answer. With my deep Hitchhiker roots, this year should be good.

Happy Birthday to me.

UPDATE: Many thanks to the crew at Gamer Andy for the impromptu serenade during the live podcast last night. You made this rookie staff member feel really good.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: Maybe it's silly that I'm 42 and I still like to celebrate my birthday. I come from a family where it wasn't important, though. I think I only remember one party when I was little. I guess it was a bigger deal before my dad left because I remember seeing pictures of some pretty cool cakes my mom had made me when I was really little but when she was on her own, it wasn't anything fancy, or even special. Sometimes, many times, it was forgotten.

When I got married, it was forgotten more often than not, even though his birthday was only a week before mine and I always made a big deal about it. My birthdays didn't really start being cool until I started teaching ... my first birthday as a teacher, I got serenaded by a group of 5th graders and everywhere I went, kids would run up and hug me, thinking that my birthday should be as special to me as theirs is to them.

And I asked myself "Why not?"

Since then, I've proudly told on myself, age and all. And I get enough love and good wishes on this one day to last me the year. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a bowl of Hot & Sour Birthday Soup on my desk that is waiting and a very sweet email to read and reread to keep me company.

UPDATE ON THE UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: Ok, so I get through the day at work and my son is actually talking to me. *gasp!* My daughter declares this a 'no homework' day and starts baking my cake as soon as we get home. Mom calls and wants me to come over to pick up a 'present' but I'm not in the mood to get another ugly sweater that doesn't fit and listen to her troubles so I blame my sore throat and tell her I'll be over sometime this weekend. No big deal, it's my birthday after all. I'm pretty tired but it's not a bad tired.

I just had a slice of cake (carrot with cheesecake pudding between the layers and cream cheese frosting), peeled the "It's my Birthday" sticker off my shirt and I'm thinking about lying down to rest with my laptop (and IM) by my side. The only thing that would be better is if T was here but I don't want to be greedy.

The sore throat is turning into a full blown episode so I intend to stay in bed tomorrow, come hell or high water. I know I will have to do a few things but I intend to drink massive amounts of fluids, maybe choke down some soup.

You know it's bad when the simple act of buying a birthday cake mix makes you cry. Who knew that would be a slippery slope?

I went grocery shopping tonight, came home in a foul mood, took the laptop into my room and the next thing I know I'm waking up in the dark, curled around a pillow. No dinner for anyone, no goodnights, no matter. The kids were probably better off letting me sleep but how sad is it that they would just accept this as normal? This is how it goes alone.

No, it's not my birthday, specifically. It's another holiday/milestone/celebration where I have to work hard to make it special, where I have to remind everyone what day it is, where I have to make my own party and along the way I make everyone miserable. I'm tired of it. I'm not saying anything to the kids or my mom and, yes, if it gets ignored I'll be mad but at least I won't have any broken expectations. The cake won't taste any good alone anyway.

It's not like it matters to anyone but me.

UPDATE: Above funk could be partly attributed to the raging bluckies I woke up with on Thursday. Sore throat, raw voice, headache ... darn allergies. Not saying I'm not still suffering from a bit of withdrawl after a wonderful week with T but I'm trying to keep my mood in check. I was afraid I had slipped into something bad there but it looks like it'll smooth out.

Though we have already hit the halfway mark, I just want to point out how much I love May.

It's MY month, start to finish. Always has been, always will be.

1) My birthday is on the 19th. The past couple of years, I've rediscovered how nice it is to have a birthday, to have people make a fuss over you. Something about working in an elementary school that just brings the joy back into birthdays. Yippee, I'm getting older!!!

And as if that wasn't good enough, now I also get to celebrate ...

2) Mother's Day. Ok, so this one doesn't always go as planned but still it's a chance for me to remind my kids just how wonderful I am. As an added bonus, they get peripheral guilt from all the commercials that tell them to 'show Mom just how wonderful she is'.

As an added bonus ...

3) Spring in Technicolor. April in NC will break your heart ... one day it's in the 70's, the next in the 40's. Flowers bloom only to freeze overnight. And the pollen? Ick. Once May hits, though, it's all golden. Lows only get down in the 50's and the highs are never too oppressive ... perfect weather for sitting out and NOT getting eaten by mosquitoes.

And to prove that life does get better after 40, this is the second year that I get to celebrate the fact that ...

4) I met Tim in May. This is our second year together and I'm happy to say that this, on top of everything else, makes May officially the very best month. Now I have an anniversary to celebrate, too.

We were sitting on the porch the other night, enjoying absolutely perfect weather, and we were visited by a hummingbird ... the first I have ever seen at my house. It zoomed down to about eye level, checked out the new flowers we had just bought and hung up, then wandered right over to the big feeder hanging from the tree. He drank for a bit then zoomed off. It all took, at most, about 30 seconds but I felt as though time was expanding, surrounding the moment in enchantment.

I'm emotional this month, more than usual. Twice this week, I was moved to tears by joy. I feel impetuous, hopeful, buoyed by the distinctly lucky feeling I have lately. Oh yeah ... this is my month. If I'm not careful, I may let someone know how I feel, without editing. God forbid.