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February 15, 2006

I am a freak

Apparently, I'm not a normal woman.

Working in a building that is full of women, I find that I have very few people I talk to as if they were friends ... and most of them are men. Why? I don't know. Maybe its because men don't make you feel small.

Maybe I'm just out of my element. Half of the women here are <30 years old. They are just starting their careers, getting engaged, newlyweds, having babies, buying houses, buying cars, having parties, going to parties, partying ... not that I begrudge them. I just can't relate to them. The other half is >50 years old. They are at the end of their careers, married, kids in college, planning their retirement ... I don't begrudge them, either. I just can't relate to them.

I just don't fit. I'm smack dab in the middle ... 41, single, two teenagers, in grad school, renting, scraping, pinching pennies. I don't get pedicures every three weeks or get my hair cut every 6. I don't love to shop or have people over my house. I don't have time. It's not a priority.

Maybe that's it. Maybe my priorities are screwed up.

I don't like to gossip.
I don't like to be in a 'clique'.
I don't like to leave people out of 'cliques'.
I don't like to tear other people down to lift myself up.
I don't like to point out other people's mistakes. I'm not perfect.
I don't like to show off what I have. Not that I have anything but if I did, I wouldn't show it off.
I let my work stand on its own merit and hope that someday someone will recognize that I do a good job.
I don't make a lot of money. Sure I would like more but I'm not willing to sacrifice time with my kids for it.

I'll tell you what brought this on. An email. A simple email that made me feel about *this* big. An email pointing out that I screwed up yesterday and that someone else picked up the slack for me. Not that anyone asked me to fix the problem or let me try to fix it ... nope, just fixed it, went around complaining that she had to fix it and then let me know, in a very public way, that she had.

Normally, I would just email everyone back, publicly apologizing in such a way that the person sending the email ended up feeling guilty that they hadn't come to me first. Ok, I did that, too. But I did something else, too. I got angry. I took it to heart.

I don't screw up, not like this. I had to miss an important meeting (of a committee that I am both Chair and my team rep) and I made the mistake of not getting a rep from my team to take my place. I knew a month ago I couldn't make the meeting and then I got focused on the workshop and what I needed to do for that, on getting a sub to cover for me, on doing homework, on thinking about this weekend and a trip next weekend ... all while trying to shake this bronchitis while taking care of two sick kids and I forgot. I FORGOT.

Yeah, I know, it's a mistake but still ... I forgot. I let myy team down. And to add insult to injury, I get very publically, very cattily called on it.

Eh. RTFM ... I'm human.

But at the same time, I'm human and I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt.
I'm tired of being made to feel as though I'm not good enough, as though I don't do enough.
I'm tired of people that don't have a life that just wait for something to happen so that their sad, pathetic little existences can be exciting. Go live vicariously on your own.

I have a headache now. A whopper. I have a paper to write, a house to clean, clothes to pack, shoes to buy, bills to pay, kids to care for and a workshop to teach tomorrow. I don't have time for this.

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Prosemonkey published on February 15, 2006 11:07 PM.

Opening thoughts was the previous entry in this blog.

A bad weekend for character actors is the next entry in this blog.

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