I give up

Maybe it's the after effects of the hour long 'discussion' I had with the kids' 'sperm donor' (he doesn't deserve to be called a father). Subject: the boy was failing Language Arts until I cracked down and now he's getting a low B. Conclusion: It's my fault. Whatever.

Maybe it's the frustration of work that followed me home. After spending an entire night dowloading and burning appropriate (and, might I add, REQUESTED) songs for an upcoming PE show, I spent much of the rest of the week 1) explaining why I can't bleep dirty words in a song, 2) why certain songs are inappropriate for 5 year olds to dance to, 3) why my taste in music is so bad and 4) why I can't read minds, end world hunger, reverse the rotation of the earth OR PROGRAM THE ENTIRE FRICKIN' PE SHOW when it's neither MY JOB nor MY RESPONSIBILITY!

Maybe its the fact that my son hates me right now. Why? I exist. What did I do? Breathed wrong. I don't know. I can't seem to do anything right.

Maybe it's the fact that I think I'm getting an ulcer. Just after lying down last night, I had the worst acid reflux and ended up puking. Sorry, I know, unpleasant topic but, honestly, I haven't gotten sick for years ... I get nauseous a lot but not to the point of actually hurling. Had I eaten anything? Not for hours. No better today, either. Everything I eat makes me feel like I'm choking and I can't have any more TUMS because I've already exceeded the recommended dosage. Soggy cornflakes and skim milk for dinner. Yum. Couple that with the migraines I've been getting with increasing frequency and I'm a walking timebomb. I'm just waiting for the panic attacks to start up again. *whee*

Maybe it's just the fact that I am totally overwhelmed by the amount of work in my two classes this semester. I've had work intensive classes before but, for some reason, I can't seem to get a grip on these classes. If I don't pull my shit together this weekend, I seriously think I may have to drop one ... or both ... wanting to just give up is a bad thing. Asking myself if it's really worth it every time I sit down to do homework doesn't bode well. Of course, I'm also attending training every couple of weeks as well as delivering training and working full time and being 2 parents full time and doing for my mother and losing touch with friends and God forbid I want to have an actual life.

Maybe I'm just tired ... 24/7, 365, I never get a break from having to be in control, on time, in charge, on call, in line, on top of it all. Sometimes I just don't want to have to be the one that makes all the decisions, that takes all the blame, that shoulders the burden. Once, just once, I wish someone else would care half as much as I do so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax, even if it's just for a few moments.

Speculation isn't getting me anywhere. This life of acquiesence is taking its toll. Enough pleasing, enough passivity and, dammit, enough tears.

Seek Up

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling
Fall back again, fall back again,
Fall back again, fall back again
Oh, life it seems a struggle between
What we think what we see
I'm not going to change my ways
Just to please you or appease you
Inside a crowd, five billion proud
Willing to punch it out
Right, wrong, weak, strong
Ashes to ashes all fall down
Look around about this round
About this merry-go-round around
If at all God's gaze upon us fall
His mischievous grin, look at him

Forget about the reasons and
The treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that
Our emotions can be swept away
Forget about being guilty,
We are innocent instead
For soon we will all find our lives swept away .......

(DMB)