On being alone

I never thought I would say this but I'm *almost* tired of being alone.

I know, I know ... I'm not right. This is the first time I've been alone for any length of time in almost 14 years and I'm not absolutely loving it.

Wait, I take that back. I do love some parts of it.

I love getting ready at my own pace and doing what I want when I want. Not sharing a bathroom rocks.

I hate being alone in such a big bed when I can't sleep.

I love watching what I want to watch on TV and being able to shut it off when I want to.

I hate having to turn the TV on just so I don't feel so out of my element.

I love not having to talk ... just being silent sometimes. Sure, I talk a lot at the workshop, collaborating, brainstorming, and all that, but the small talk just kills me. I look forward to getting in my car and driving down the highway listening to what I want to listen to on the MP3 player to unwind.

I hate not having anyone to talk to when I see something I want to share.

I love making plans and then changing my mind without having to explain it to anyone.

I hate being in charge of everything all the time. Granted, it's not so bad just being in charge of me but that's a lot of decisions every day, just to stay safe. I don't feel totally safe alone.

I love feeling important and anonymous at the same time. I'm a traveler, a stranger, a writer, a business person on a mission, too busy to linger and too important to waste my time. Heh, you can take the girl out of the theater, but you can't take the theater out of the girl.

Honestly, though, that is the only way I can function in this situation, by pretending I'm important. I feel like its all playacting. I hate not being able to let my guard down and just be myself, unimportant, goofy, ordinary me.

I love being able to get whatever I want for dinner ... and not having to share. I've had shrimp 4 nights in a row now. Could I do that with the kids? Nope, I would have felt guilty about spending money and I would have gotten the cheapest thing on the menu.

I hate eating alone. Tonight I got curbside pickup from Ham's and brought it back here. It would have been nice to be able to sit in the restaurant, enjoy some conversation, but if it's not with someone I actually like talking to, well, yeah, nevermind.

It's a love/hate relationship, me being alone. Sometimes I think I'll be alone forever. I don't want that. I really thought I could never get enough of this but, guess what? I pounced on the phone when it rang tonight. Of course, half of the pounce was because it scared me but the other half was because I had just been wishing the phone would ring. I needed to hear the voice on the other end more than I could tell him.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't mind being alone but I would rather not be. I especially would rather not be alone while I'm staying in this hotel, in this big, huge bed, rattling around in this big huge room. But it's just one more night and I've got the phone right here.

Wow, I suck at traveling.

Apparently, I travel about as well as a linen shirt. Hey, I thought it was funny when I just said it out loud ...