February 2008 Archives

Remember that funk I plunged into around the holidays? The one that was triggered by me not getting a certain job?
 Yeah, well, I figured that time would heal my bruised ego. For the past two months I've let myself wallow, I've gotten angry, I've let the tears come, I've been proactive (looking for another job, rewriting my CV, etc.), I've even *gasp* asked others for support. I've flogged myself for having faith, I've prayed for strength, I've rationalized, reconciled, then resigned myself to the fact that I'm stuck where I am, that no amount of wishing will make this better. And I sat back to wait.

Yup, you guessed it. I'm still waiting.

I've had a chance to see the *winning* candidate in action and every time, I'm left with an "OMG, WTF were they thinking?!?!?!" in a big ol' invisible speech bubble over my head. I'm sure it's written on my face, too, which is why I can't look either the hirer or the hiree in the eye. Unfortunately, I've been the center of a very important state evaluation and have had them underfoot (and in my face) several times over the past week.

Today was the worst, though. We had a scheduled committee meeting to which exactly three people showed up.  I was one. Guess who the other two were.  Go ahead, take a wild stab at it.

*sigh*

I came out of there, got in the car, slammed the door and yelled "I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM!!!" ... took a deep cleansing breath ... turned on the music really loud and drove off to go pick up my kids.

I don't know what else to do, really. Since revenge is generally frowned upon in civilized society (and it will not give me any lasting peace), I'm out of ideas.  I'm trying to be a good person, I really am.


"Only nature has a right to grieve perpetually, for she only is innocent.
Soon the ice will melt, and the blackbirds sing along the river which he frequented, as pleasantly as ever.
The same everlasting serenity will appear in this face of God, and we will not be sorrowful, if he is not."

Henry David Thoreau

I love my kids. I really do.

Sometimes I have to remind myself of that, especially times like these when I'm sick again. This cold already made a trip through the house, first catching the girl, then me, then the boy. Out of the blue, the girl got sick again this weekend and I made the mistake of letting her crawl in my bed for most of Sunday. When I woke up Monday morning, I was short of breath and woozy, by noon I was fading fast. I did some quick calling around, trying to find a substitute for the next day, and by the time I finally got home that night, I fell apart. The girl coughed so hard she threw up and I could barely stand up long enough to help and comfort her.

Yesterday I spent the day immobile, unable to lift my head off the pillow.  Muscle aches, coughing so hard I have bodily fluids squirting out of everywhere (ewwww!!) ... by noon it became apparent to me that i wouldn't be able to work today either. It took me a couple of hours to find a phone so I could call work ... if the substitute was bad, I was going to try to go in today. Luckily, the person that came in was good; he had subbed in a Media Center before and I asked if he could cover for me today also.

So, I'm home for my second day. Maybe today I can actually eat something and try to get my strength back. Or I may just sleep the day away. Lots of things I should do but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm home SICK for a reason ... because I'm SICK.

Ok, gonna get some more ice for my water and maybe some dry cereal. And get back to bed.