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February 27, 2008
not fading one bit
Remember that funk I plunged into around the holidays? The one that was triggered by me not getting a certain job?
Yeah, well, I figured that time would heal my bruised ego. For the past two months I've let myself wallow, I've gotten angry, I've let the tears come, I've been proactive (looking for another job, rewriting my CV, etc.), I've even *gasp* asked others for support. I've flogged myself for having faith, I've prayed for strength, I've rationalized, reconciled, then resigned myself to the fact that I'm stuck where I am, that no amount of wishing will make this better. And I sat back to wait.
Yup, you guessed it. I'm still waiting.
I've had a chance to see the *winning* candidate in action and every time, I'm left with an "OMG, WTF were they thinking?!?!?!" in a big ol' invisible speech bubble over my head. I'm sure it's written on my face, too, which is why I can't look either the hirer or the hiree in the eye. Unfortunately, I've been the center of a very important state evaluation and have had them underfoot (and in my face) several times over the past week.
Today was the worst, though. We had a scheduled committee meeting to which exactly three people showed up. I was one. Guess who the other two were. Go ahead, take a wild stab at it.
*sigh*
I came out of there, got in the car, slammed the door and yelled "I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM!!!" ... took a deep cleansing breath ... turned on the music really loud and drove off to go pick up my kids.
I don't know what else to do, really. Since revenge is generally frowned upon in civilized society (and it will not give me any lasting peace), I'm out of ideas. I'm trying to be a good person, I really am.
"Only nature has a right to grieve perpetually, for she only is innocent.
Soon the ice will melt, and the blackbirds sing along the river which he frequented, as pleasantly as ever.
The same everlasting serenity will appear in this face of God, and we will not be sorrowful, if he is not."
Henry David Thoreau
Yeah, well, I figured that time would heal my bruised ego. For the past two months I've let myself wallow, I've gotten angry, I've let the tears come, I've been proactive (looking for another job, rewriting my CV, etc.), I've even *gasp* asked others for support. I've flogged myself for having faith, I've prayed for strength, I've rationalized, reconciled, then resigned myself to the fact that I'm stuck where I am, that no amount of wishing will make this better. And I sat back to wait.
Yup, you guessed it. I'm still waiting.
I've had a chance to see the *winning* candidate in action and every time, I'm left with an "OMG, WTF were they thinking?!?!?!" in a big ol' invisible speech bubble over my head. I'm sure it's written on my face, too, which is why I can't look either the hirer or the hiree in the eye. Unfortunately, I've been the center of a very important state evaluation and have had them underfoot (and in my face) several times over the past week.
Today was the worst, though. We had a scheduled committee meeting to which exactly three people showed up. I was one. Guess who the other two were. Go ahead, take a wild stab at it.
*sigh*
I came out of there, got in the car, slammed the door and yelled "I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM!!!" ... took a deep cleansing breath ... turned on the music really loud and drove off to go pick up my kids.
I don't know what else to do, really. Since revenge is generally frowned upon in civilized society (and it will not give me any lasting peace), I'm out of ideas. I'm trying to be a good person, I really am.
"Only nature has a right to grieve perpetually, for she only is innocent.
Soon the ice will melt, and the blackbirds sing along the river which he frequented, as pleasantly as ever.
The same everlasting serenity will appear in this face of God, and we will not be sorrowful, if he is not."
Henry David Thoreau
