December 2007 Archives

Last week, I wrote a terse entry  from my favorite getaway spot. I had packed up the car with kids, presents and goodies to spend a restful holiday with T's family. I had looking forward to this weekend for months. My work situation has been brutal, grinding and soul-stomping since the beginning of this school year. With new administration and severe understaffing, even my pretty new library furnishings weren't enough to make me happy at my job and this frustration and unrest were carrying over into every aspect of my life. It was the reason I went back on anti-depressants (which are not working, btw) ... I was hoping they would take the edge off so that I could merely exist until I found a way to make it better.

Well, I thought I had found a way to make it better. A job at the county level opened up, one that I have been working toward for 5 years, one that I went back to grad school for a second time to get licensed for. The job description called for a Masters and a Licensure in one of two combinations ... either a Masters of Library Science and a Licensure in IT or a Masters in Instructional Technology and a Library Science Licensure ... I now have the first combo and am well qualified for the job. As soon as the opening was announced (back in October), I dropped off my resume and sat back to wait.

They finally set up an interview on the day after school let out. In the meantime, I heard several things ... that the job description was being rewritten to focus more on the Library Science and less on the IT (which should have tipped me off), that the pool of candidates was very small, that the technicians were behind me candidacy. All of this should have told me to stop hoping. My gut kept warning me but I let a hopeful thought or two in and began to think I actually had a chance.

When I went for the interview, I was ready, relaxed and rehearsed. I don't do well in interview situations, getting far too nervous and passionate when I speak and easily getting sidetracked. I felt confident, though, even though I was going into a situation not knowing who my interviewers would be.  When I walked in, I found I would be interviewed by two people I knew ... the one that would be making the ultimate decision and a professor from ECU whose class I had thoroughly enjoyed getting an A in. I thought the interview went well, though my 'boss' yawned a few times while I was answering questions, something the professor caught and looked concerned about.

I should have been concerned. I should have known going in that it was a lost cause. I should have noticed when he looked down his nose at me before I left in that he had no respect for me and no intention of taking my candidacy seriously. I should have known that, in this political world where you change your ideals depending on who you are talking to, that my annoying habit of speaking my mind and being strong in my convictions of wanting to serve the children of our county would not go over well.

I found out via email that I didn't get the job. I lost to a sleeper candidate, someone that does not have my qualifications but someone that will make her boss look good. She doesn't need the job or the money but she fills a need for him that I don't. Eventually, I will be able to live with that but right now, I'm on my indignant high horse, full of venomous thoughts and toxic anger.  My holiday escape was wrecked. I spent most of last Saturday in tears, unable to have any fun during a youth group get-together. Sunday was supposed to be a joyful, reverent performance at church, followed by family time ... poor T was relegated to the supportive boyfriend role (which he is awesome at), watching me bob about in an emotional sea of angst.

Yes, I have ideals that I will not give up, no matter how tempting the job is. Yes, I have moral fiber, despite the fact that I do not fit into the mold of other candidates. I don't know how, but I get the feeling that the fact that I am a single mom of kids that some would consider mixed-race, that I do not 'come from around here' topped by the fact that I have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can not be broken by anything or anyone (witness my escape from my marriage) made me unpopular with certain people. 

The irony that I have helped several people that are above me get to where they are is not lost on me. This whole situation reeks of politics.  Why bring in someone that could actually help the department if they are going to make you look bad?  I have been told over and over not to take this personally but I can't help it.  I was hoping it would not be personal but that email told me it was.

I don't know what I'm going to do but I do know that I can't keep fighting this fight if it is going to hurt my kids in the end. Just under a week before I go back to work. I'm reviewing my options but, at the moment, I'm unable to do anything because everyone is off enjoying their vacation, which is what I should be doing.

This makes me sad. Such elegance and grace in a politician, a heart that led her to do what was right, not popular, even if that meant she would follow in the steps of her father and brother before her. I still remember when she was first elected ... the furor over whether a female should rule Pakistan ... and in the end they got the best ruler in their tumultuous history. In they end, they destroyed that which could save them. Not the first time and certainly not the last but one that I feel deeply.

Broken. Angry. Disappointed.

I don't know if I have any fight left in me. I have let myself down, let my kids down, and every kid in the county.

Overdramatic? Maybe. I can't help but be passionate about this, after everything I have come through to get to this point.

I know that God does not give us anything that we can not bear ... but, Lord, I'm tired. If this is your way of telling me it's time to move on, a simple plague of locusts would have sufficed.

Merriam-Webster has announced the Word if the Year for 2007. You'll never guess what it is.




Another overheard from last night. Driving around Greenville looking at Christmas lights with three teenage boys while listening to Dethklok, I noticed how you could interchange the word ROFLcopter for Hatredcopter ... and I sang it  that way, loudly, much to my boy's chagrin and the other boys delight. The night just got sillier from there.

FRIEND: "Your mom is so cool."

SON: *rolled eyes*

Oh, and NO sleep was gotten but MUCH Guitar Hero was played. I went downstairs to play Beautiful Katamari at about 5:45, hoping the soothing music would put them to sleep. They are snoring away now.

"All I wanted was a brownie, and you wouldn't give it to me!! *SHANK*"

                                                ~Charlie, 15, a guest at the boy's 16th birthday overnighter

Stretched too thin, lots on my mind but no time. Nerves are rubbed raw. Feeling the need to pull in and conserve.

I'll be back when I have something meaningful to share. 

Several members of my family are in town this weekend. This is just what I didn't want.

I know. They are my family. But, you know what??  From the time I moved down here and was left stranded with the x and two babies (and through all the turmoil that ensued), my family was my babies. No one knew what I was going through, and it seemed like no one cared.

Well, my mother knew but she didn't tell anyone ... God forbid anyone know that things aren't perfect. My family is a family of secrets. When we are doing well, she brags about how great her kids are. When we are struggling, she avoids bringing us up. So when I was alone in a cold house with no heat and barely any food while the x was  out on the road sleeping his way across the country, she didn't let anyone know that I could use some help.  If she had,  maybe someone in the family would have told me that he was not worth staying married to, since most everyone else in the family knew he was cheating but I didn't.

Things like that just aren't talked about.

So excuse me if I don't want to spend too much time with my family.  I would rather spend time with my best friend, who is there for me through thick and thin, and my kids. That is my family ...  the people that I draw close when I need to be held, the ones that stick with me through thick and thin.