August 2007 Archives

but this guy on my ficus is pretty darned intimidating.
Clickety to embiggen ...

"Any illness is a direct message to you that tells you how
you have not been loving who you are, cherishing yourself
in order to be who you are. This is the basis of all healing."
                                                    -- Barbara Brennan

As you might guess, I'm not doing well. Took today off of work, going back to the doctor tomorrow. Overdid it and am paying for it. Angry at myself and very VERY frustrated.

Heh, I can see I'll be wasting a bit of time doing this.


What would you make a Rubik's Cube of?

I owe a post or three.  I know, I know, I suck. 


On the up side, I'm very good at sucking. I do it a lot. What? Take that however you want to, perv. ANYwhooo ...

*sigh*

I'm *this close* to losing my mind. One minute, I'm feeling really good, lots of energy, vacuuming, unpacking ... the next, I get stabbing pains in my side (damn you, kidney!!! *shakes fist*), I break out in a sweat and I'm curled up in a ball. 


I feel so ... fragile. And, though I've always identified with the NIN song, I HATE being fragile. 

Good Lord, if they had done a laparotomy, can you imagine how insane I would be knowing I have a few more weeks recovery?!?! As it is, I can't lift anything for another 4-5 weeks and whine whine whine blah blah blah.


I'm driving myself nuts, aren't I?  Yeah, I know.  I can't help it.

Seems we have a new neighbor in the garden. I found this little guy lurking in the fence behind the butterfly bush today. He is about the length of my pinky finger, nose to tail, and seems very curious, even playful. The cuteness! It burns!!

So yeah, I'm home, in bed, recovering from surgery.

*blink blink*

I've tried to finish a post about what led up to this and, I promise, I will, but I am, at the moment, a little fuzzy around the edges. I'm also finding it pretty uncomfortable to be vertical for long periods of time, so trite unedited blurbs it is.

Recently seen :   Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix (matinée yesterday).  Finished reading it just after surgery and thoroughly enjoyed it, though SO MUCH was left out.

Recently ate :  Vanilla yogurt with fruit granola

Recently realized : I'm going to have a second belly button for a long time.

Recently felt : Loneliness.  After 5 days, it's disconcerting how empty my bubble got when he left.

Let me preface this by saying that I have a sneaking suspicion that I am more OCD than I've ever admitted to being, so let's not even go there.


One of my first jobs was at McDonald's. Now, while it was a sucktastic job, I believe working there taught me some valuable lessons. "If you have time to lean, you have time to clean."  Sound familiar? I credit that job with helping me develop a good work ethic ... at the same time, I blame it for making me a more demanding boss/parent.

I'll admit that I am a perfectionist. I am very picky in that I believe there is a proper way of doing things and, once you learn how to do something right, there is no reason to do it wrong ever again, unless you are extremely lazy. Or disrespectful. OR you are trying, in a passive aggressive way, to let someone know you don't want to do the job.

I also believe in efficiency. If you know there is a proper (and safe) way of doing something right, why on earth would you waste your energy (and that of those around you) by doing something wrong, only to have to go back and correct it later?
 
With that said ....


I am sick and tired of bing the only person in this house that knows how to do anything right. Granted, I am the adult and I am supposed to be teaching everyone else but ... you would think that after 13-15 years of living with me, some basic housekeeping skills would have rubbed off. I will say that I am more of a stickler now that I own my own home but I attribute that to Pride of Ownership and I thought *erroneously* that would rub off on those around me. I just don't get it.

You take out the trash? Replace the trash bag.

You do laundry? Separate whites and darks unless you are doing your own clothes and you don't care ... then do NOT come to me complaining that your purple sheets ran all over your white towels.  But me ... I CARE.

Feed the cats? Pick up any food you spill. ANTS, people.

Something is on the floor. PICK IT UP!!!

Dirty dishes?  Rinse and put them in the dishwasher. Dishwasher done? EMPTY IT.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

HOW FRACKING HARD IS THIS?????



*sigh*


It's not just housework. I'm getting a good picture of how life is going to be for the next 2 weeks after the surgery. The house will fall in disrepair because I will be unable to lift anything more than 10 lbs. and my frustration level will skyrocket until I lose my temper (like I just did) and push myself and do too much (like I just did *ow*).  There are still boxes everywhere and the carpet needs to be vacuumed and shampooed again and the kitchen needs to be mopped because one of the cats puked and NO ONE BOTHERED TO CLEAN IT WHEN THEY SAW IT HAPPEN.

It's going to be worse when I get back to work ... I'll have nowhere to escape.  I have an entire library to put back together and if I can't lift anything more than 10 lbs. for the next 6 weeks, I'm screwed. The people I work with are worse than my kids. My kids will actually do things for me because they love me (or I pay them or guilt them into doing it). The people at work could care less.  It's not their 'job'.  I'm screwed.


There must be something wrong with me. Explains a lot about my failed marriage, failed friendships, failed family relations. I must have incredibly high standards. No wonder no one can stand to be with me for very long. I have no patience for feigned ineptitude and I hate Hate HATE repeating myself. I'll forgive an accident in a heartbeat ... a mistake with a true apology, no problem ... but not doing something that needs to be done when it affects the other people in your home or workplace? I just don't get it.  There are boxes everywhere that need to be unpacked (or at least moved to where they need to go so I can unpack them) and no one offers to lift a finger to help me. And here I am ... needing help desperately, but too proud (or too afraid) to ask. 



UPDATE:  I'm sitting here, angrier and even more frustrated.  Honestly ... sometimes I think I'm not wired right to be a parent. I keep telling myself that I'm not supposed to be their friend but it hurts me so much when they disrespect me. A glare is like a slap in the face, after all I've done and all we've been through and I know I should just be able to shake this off but I can't. Not now. Not when I need my family around me.

What set me off today? I needed to go to the store. I spent the morning waiting for the girl to wake up so she could go with me. She finally gets up (when the phone rings) and talks until she jumps in the shower. She gets out of the shower (I'm still waiting) and gets back on the phone. I'm cleaning, puttering around, waiting for her. Next thing I know, she's planning to go to the movies.  No "I have to help my mom today". Not even a "Let me ask my mom." 

And me? This is the girl we're talking about. If anyone knows and cares how I'm feeling, its her. She spent 7 hours with me at doctors offices yesterday and all day, I kept saying "We'll have to do that tomorrow."  I'm hurt.

Her excuse? She forgot I can't lift anything.  She figured I could go out by myself and pick her up when I was done.


I thought by being a selfless parent I was setting a good example but I think I've just set myself up for disappointment.  I just want someone to think about what I need first for once ... and not just so they can get something they want. Is that too much to ask?  I'm always trying to make everyone happy, keep everyone in a good mood but what ends up happening is I end up angry and resentful until I finally blow. Which happened this afternoon. And I can't seem to recover. 

Considering my recent absorption of all things Muppet (and my recollection of my boyfriend taking this and finding out he was Fozzie Bear), I thought I would retake this ...

You Are Kermit

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know. You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems. Don't worry - everyone know's it's not easy being green. Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!