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April 23, 2007

Behold the power of cheese!

When you are forced to live your life a certain way, you are imprinted with certain patterns of behavior.

Live in chaos and you learn to live in fight or flight mode. Live there long enough and your panic button will become more sensitive, triggered at the least threat. This instinct is necessary for our survival and I would not trade it for the world. It has gotten me this far with very few permanent, visible scars.

Problems can arise when someone gets addicted to the chaos. Give them a smooth patch and they will create waves so that they are in familiar territory. Let them succeed and they will more than likely sabotage themselves. I've caught myself sabotaging myself but I'm not sure it's because I want to be back where I was ... I think it is because I am unsure if I deserve success.

But that's me and I'm not convinced that I am addicted to chaos. I do think, however, that I am hardwired with a fight or flight response that overwhelms me occasionally. I have children to protect and my stakes are high. I can't afford to shut down, not unless I know they are safe. This week was the perfect example of an imminent threat to my family taking its toll on me.

Between T leaving and the VT shooting, I'm feeling pretty melancholy this week. Add to that the additional stress of meeting two very important deadlines over the past week and facing rejection from the mortgage company and I was ready to crack. Naturally when I got the news Friday afternoon about my boss and the possible upheaval in our county, that panic button got pushed and I was almost blind with fear.

After dropping my daughter off for her youth group Friday night, I began driving. My chest hurt, my head was pounding, I was nauseous and I'm amazed I could drive with my arms feeling like lead. Somewhere in the middle of this, T called. He had just called to tell me that he was running out for candy and, since I could barely get a sentence out, he began to hang up. Honestly, I didn't blame him one bit, naturally thinking that I was the problem.

Luckily, I have a wonderful boyfriend. Patiently, he explained that he knew that I was upset and thought that I might need to be by myself for a bit, to just drive and sing and scream before I had to go home. He was right, of course, but I hadn't had a chance to even tell him what was happening and why I was in panic mode. I thought he didn't understand the magnitude of the problem so I told him the details that I had left out of our earlier IM.

Then T did something that I will always be grateful for. He switched into logic mode, reminding me of the bigger picture and helping me remember that I did have options. His gentle, understanding calmness was exactly what I needed right at that moment. How he knew it, I don't know, but I do know that I love him for it. Then he told me to do whatever I needed to do to feel better, that he would be waiting online when I got home.

The fact that he recognized what was happening to me was a relief. In my state, I was trying to solve problems that were out of my control so that I could stop the panic. He, however, helped me cope with the symptoms of my panic and gave me a new perspective to help me through it in case it came back again.

I'm not sure if he knows what he did or how much I appreciate it. I'm sure he will deny any sweetness or gentleness but I know the truth. Good thing no one reads this blog or the world would know just what a nice guy my sweetheart is.

*pardon me while I go brush my teeth, I think I just gave myself cavities.

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Prosemonkey published on April 23, 2007 8:08 PM.

Coming full circle... was the previous entry in this blog.

As if she won't find out eventually... is the next entry in this blog.

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