As if she won't find out eventually...

Ok, I have a secret to tell you. You may think I am a horrible person once I tell you and I am ready to accept that. Here goes.

I haven't told my mom that I am buying a house.

SEE?? I told you! HORRIBLE!!

I do have my reasons, though and, if you will humor me for a just a wee bit, I will try to explain them.

My mother is a very materialistic person. Maybe this came from being born during the Depression, I don't know, but she seems to have forgotten how broke she was before she married my father. She told me once that he told her when they were dating that he wanted to help her out and that she jumped at the chance ... I was convinced from then on that I was just insurance that her gravy train wouldn't end. She said that Grampy O'Neill used to call her a gold digger and, well, I'm thinking he was right.

When they divorced, she got the house and as much child support for me (in the 1970's) as I get for two kids now. She never understood why I didn't get anything in my divorce, why being away from him was more than enough for me. She also does not understand why I didn't fight for any of my father's money when he died. Oh, and did I mention that she gets Social Security payments from his benefits every month? Honestly, because money was not what I wanted from my father. But I digress ...

I am the youngest of my mom's kids, her 4th and last. My oldest brother, M, is a house flipper who specializes in restoring Craftsman bungalows in San Luis Obispo, CA. He's an emotionally distant wealthy workaholic, divorced twice, 3 kids. He buys my mother presents rather than call or visit. The next in line, J, is a builder in New Hampshire. He's a volatile wealthy workaholic well known for being able to make something out of absolutely nothing ... 'work hard, play hard' is his motto. Once divorced, he has 2 kids and a longtime girlfriend that he says he will never marry. He, too, would rather send money than visit and lately it seems he has to be drunk to call my mom, calls which always end up with him hanging up on her, then pretending like it never happened. My sister, closest to me in age at 8 years older than me, is a real estate agent in New Hampshire. Divorced once, 3 kids, and currently living in a different state than her husband, she battles both depression and anyone within reach.

All three of them own at least 2 houses. They have worked very hard to make as much money as they could, to the detriment of their relationships, their kids, their health. None are very well educated, all smoke and drink to excess, all are apathetic toward my mom.

I am the polar opposite of my siblings. Divorced once, I have 2 kids and I am an artist and a teacher. I own nothing. I have worked very hard to keep my family together, taking a low paying job so that I can be there with them while they grow up. I am well educated, I do not drink or smoke, I care about my mom. I do not make my mom proud. I am poor.

So why, when I have a chance to own something as big as a house, am I not running to my mom to show her how I can finally make something of myself?

Because it doesn't matter, it will never be good enough. I can not catch up to my siblings.

Because I am embarrassed that I can only look at spending $80K.

Because it will be mine and I want to do it myself, dammit.

Because I don't need her approval.

I will probably tell her when we are actually moving in. Not before, though. We didn't tell her about our new kitten for 6 months and only then because we had to ... she saw him in the window (which was pretty funny, actually). I just don't feel like sharing our good news only to have her rain on my parade. What I can afford will not be good enough for her but she doesn't have to live there.

Actually, she was hoping that I would do better so that I could buy a house with an in-law apartment for her. Is that my plan?? Aw hells naw.

So I'm waiting to hear about my pre-approval and avoiding my mom, for now. Oh, and not sleeping. Nope, not at all. *sigh*