June 2006 Archives

Tonight, my final assignment is due, a short paper comparing national vs. local evaluation tools (and the standards therein) used for Technology Facilitators. After this, all I have to do is upload my Program Manual and I'm d.o.n.e. Like "stick a fork in me" done. And I'm so ready.

When I started this journey to my licensure last January, I had no idea how grueling it would be to try to work full time and go to grad school full time and be 2 parents full time and try to have a life ... that's too much to squeeze into days that are too short. But for the past year and a half I've done it. No regrets. Not many anyway. I only wish I had been able to squeeze in more of a life. As it is, I really only feel as if I'm enjoying mySELF a) when Tim is in town or b) when I am visiting him. Yes, we stay connected via the computer whenever I am not here at work but ... it can't compare.

I don't know. He may be perfectly happy with this arrangement but, for me, I enjoy our companionship tooo much when we are together to be able to enjoy much when we are apart. Even simple things that were once a chore for me, like going to the mall or going to the movies - with him, it's something to look forward to. The thought of going to the movies (or anywhere) by myself is miserable. I wanted to go see Over the Hedge but I couldn't bring myself to go alone (and by alone, I meant with the kids). Yes, the kids and I went to movies together before he came along but I forgot what it was like to go with someone that sees the same things I do, someone with whom the experience is an enjoyable event, not an overwhelming headache. I'm outnumbered without him. He's on my side. I like that.

What on earth brought this on? Dunno. It's been a month and a half since he came down and so much has happened ... I've gotten sick twice, school ended, I've finished a whole class, I've done all my district and state reports at work, I've finished Tech Ventures and begun teaching summer academy ... and when I climb into bed at night, I turn and have no one to remind me that tomorrow will be better. It's been so long, the t-shirt doesn't even smell like him anymore.

Eh ... just complaining, I guess. I'll see him this weekend (w00t! IRL at Richmond! I've been waiting a year for this Saturday!!! I can't believe I get to share this with him and his Dad) and next week, he comes down for a good visit over the 4th. Just what I need to start my summer vacation off right. Before I start my internship, that is.

Ok, so I'm not really done. But I'm close.

Honestly, I'm at the end of my rope. I'm ready to throw in the towel and admit that I just suck at this whole parenting thing.

Apparently, somewhere along the way I've become a strident, harping idiot but I missed it. I just don't know how to talk to my kids anymore ... or how I used to talk to them doesn't work anymore. I don't know how to motivate or suggest or give advice or anything anymore. They look at me like I've suddenly become stupid and, frankly, I'm out of ideas.

I'm a patient person but, at this point, I give up. I have my final projects due by next Tuesday and I start teaching Summer Academy Monday and I just finished training sessions today and I have NO time to breathe and I. JUST. GIVE. UP.

I suck at being the parent of teenagers. They would be better off being raised by wolves.

Whew, what a week. Drama from one end to the other (and y'all know how much I love drama ... NOT) and I'm sitting here on Sunday just slowly recovering my strength, mentally and physically.

The week started out ok, or at least as crazy as the last week of school usually does. I finally had time in the media center to get things done and I tried, I really did, but I spent most of the day looking for "lost" books on the shelves and printing out overdue notices to go home with the students. I am trying to get most of our materials back in before I start inventory next week but no one seems too intent on helping me out with that objective. We also had the 4th grade North Carolina bowl in the media center so I wasn't 'allowed' to do any work on the books in the afternoon, so I hid in my office to get paperwork done.

Tuesday was crazy-go-nuts. Pressure was rising, teachers and kids were on the verge of losing it, and so was I. I got as much done as I could before I left but barely made a dent in what I needed to for all the interruptions.

To make matters worse (?), we had some home drama that night that threw me off. My daughter called me into the bathroom in a panic after she took her shower. Well, maybe panic wasn't the word but she was very stressed out. She's known for years that her period would be coming but I don't think she understood the whole icky process of it. For a kid that likes to be in control, she totally resented this intrusion on her last week of school.

Yup, my baby is officially 'a woman' now. Yikes. Now I get to deal with her PMS and grumpiness and cramps because boy oh boy dies she ever have them all. I made sure to let her know that everyone has a different experience and some people will have more pain and moodswings than others. I, for instance, have one or two days of weepiness before and one day of pain during. I tried to inform her without freaking her out and I don't know how well I did. Damn, this mom thing just got a lot harder. At the same time, though, this has brought us closer together. After I got her taken care of, she curled up on the couch and snuggled with me. Nice. We both needed it.

The next day, Wednesday, was the big one. Court day. Let me just tell you a one thing. No matter what anyone may tell you about going to court, 1) it will take all day, 2) it will stress you out more than you realize, 3) it is exhausting and very emotional and 4) you will meet people you would not normally meet. Ok, that was four things, so shoot me. If all that sounds like fun for you, by all means, go to court, pack a lunch, enjoy! I don't intend to go back any time soon, though. Unless the x tries to screw with me again and, if he does, I'll go back there so fast his head will spin.

Thursday morning, we had back to back awards ceremonies, and during both I had to make speeches. Oh yeah, pure torture. Thursday afternoon, I threw a pizza party for my media helpers, which was actually one of the more enjoyable afternoons of the week. The kids were genuinely grateful and we had a very nice time just hanging out and talking in the courtyard. I'll miss those kids.

Friday was graduation, another speech, and more awards. My helpers won lots of awards: honor roll, principals list, AR pins and BUG (Bringing Up Grades) which was very cool. One of my helpers won a special recognition for her grace and spirit over through the past few years. Her family was always very involved with our school and she and her older sister are sweet, kind and smart. Last year, when she was in 4th grade, she lost her mom to breast cancer. It not only devastated her family, but our whole school felt the loss. This year, she ceated a team for Relay for Life that raised over $3000 in memory of her mom. Friday, when they announced that she won the award, we all cried through it. Yup, it was the only time I broke down. Pretty good for a big ole baby.

The rest of the day was a flurry of activity, kids running into the media center for hugs and goodbyes, parents coming in to pay for books, and then suddenly the countdown was on in the halls. Once the bell rang, a cheer erupted and we all headed out to the bus area to send off the buses. Once they were gone, it was easier to think and I headed back in to teach myself a quirky new piece of software that's been bugging me this week. About 4, after both of my kids showed up, I began packing for home. I had a slight headache and my knees were killing me but I figured I was just tired.

Within an hour, I had the shakes and I could barely hold my head up. I curled up in bed in pain and checked my temp ... over 100. I fell in and out of consciousness through the night, checking my temp occasionally. I got scared when it hit a high of 102.6, especially since I usually run almost a full degree below normal. Much of Saturday was spent trying to regulate my system ... lots of fluids and rest along with a tepid shower helped. I got absolutely nothing done and I'm still trying to figure out what happened. It may have been that my body wanted me to stop and this was its way of doing it.

So I'm recovering. Muscle pains and occasional spikes in temp but Advil is helping that. Hoping to eat a real meal later and maybe that will help. Don'cha just hate when things are out of your control?? Well, I do. I'm frustrated beyond belief. Ok, back to work.

UPDATE: OH, and Happy un-Anniversary to me! Yup, on this fated day in 1988 I stood in front of my family and friends and made the biggest mistake of my life. To commemorate, I'm watching a Bridezilla marathon. Haha!!

Lest it seem that I'm bitter on the whole marriage/romance/happily ever after thing, I'm not ... just the insane expectations that people have and the skewed focus they get when they are young and in love. Yeah, like a wedding needs to cost $60,000. Like it really matters if your bridesmaids gloves match their dresses. Grow the hell up! It's not about all that. It's about two people making a promise before God to be there for each other. Period. You don't need anything but that.

Well, the gifts are nice. :P