Reflection

I like to analyze things. I like to know how and why things work. I was the kid in the neighborhood that would pull apart broken bikes and record players and radios and try to fix them.

I like to find out the reason for the actions (and especially the reactions) of everything, from animal to vegetable to mineral. When I was a kid, I always thought I would grow up to be a scientist. Even when I was majoring in Theater and minoring in Art for my BA, I took on a 2nd minor of Psychology so that I could try to figure out just how my brain worked and how I could recognize when (and why) it would start short-circuiting.

I spend a lot of time in self-analysis, mostly because I'm recovering from a lifetime of damage doled out by well-meaning (but ignorant) family members and some less well-meaning toxic people I chose to have in my life. It may seem like so much navel-gazing but that's what my blogs have always been about. A way for me to record my actions (and reactions) to the people in my life to see if I can recognize a pattern.

I took a personality analysis the other day, just to assess my state of mind. What a mirror to look into.

Personality trait snapshot:
depressed, introverted, neat, needs things to be extremely clean, observer, perfectionist, not self revealing, does not make friends easily, suspicious, irritable, hates large parties, follows the rules, worrying, does not like to stand out, fragile, phobic, submissive, dislikes leadership, cautious, takes precautions, focuses on hidden motives, good at saving money, solitary, familiar with the dark side of life, hard working, emotionally sensitive, prudent, altruistic, heart over mind, unadventurous.

If you do not want to face the truth, don't look in a mirror.

A very fine shrink told me once that "You can not control the actions of everyone around you but you can control your reactions to their actions." I haven't been doing a very good job of that this week.

SO ... In honor of the first day of Spring (can I get a w00t W00T!), I'm making a resolution. I will no longer see myself through anyone else's eyes ... unless what they see is better than what I see of myself. For every time my mother makes a cutting remark about my hair looking a mess or me not losing weight, I will take a moment, take a breath, and remember how T looks at me, the feel of his hands in my hair, the strength of his arms holding me. For every time someone tries to make me feel like I am a bad parent, I will look at my kids and remind myself that they love me more than anyone else in the world ... so I can't be that bad. I will take a breath and realize where those remarks are coming from and not get caught in the razor wire tangle of emotional abuse.

"Shadows cannot see themselves in the mirror of the sun." Evita Peron