March 2005 Archives

Via Algor, the Meme Du Jour ... who got it from someone else ... that's what memes are all about, yes?

20 years ago I ... (1985)
1. Took karate for the first time
2. Was working 2 jobs, going to college full time, participating in the theatre, and drinking every night ... ahh, good times, good time... I think
3. Realized it would take me 6 years to get my 4 year degree ... and decided to change

10 years ago I ... (1995)
1. Moved to North Carolina
2. Found out how beautiful, and frustrating, rural living can be
3. Realized moving here cut me off from my support system and that I was screwed

There are certain times in our lives that make us sit back and try to catch our breath, moments of razor sharp clarity when everything comes into focus, when the path behind us and the path before us merge neatly at our feet and we find ourselves reaching both ways to see just how far our arms will stretch.

I've had several of those moments, a few of them in the past few weeks, and I'm finding myself almost dizzy off the fumes of the kinetic energy my life has been generating lately. Can you feel the heat?

Now, I'm a great one for reflection. Not that I make great reflections, just that I find myself reflecting more often than most, or at least that is my perception. My philosophy is that reflection is necessary for growth. If we never look back to see where we have come, especially when we come to the crux of a decision, how can we appreciate the journey up to that point and make the next step?

I think that is why, so often, people become shackled by doubt, unable to move forward. If only they would realize that not being able to move for the fear of making a mistake is the biggest mistake they can make.

i find myself wishing
that i were anything
but what i am

inconsequential

pressing until my fingers
crush their own tips,
pushing on myself
to make sure i am

ineffectual

i thought i was becoming
more each time but
in searching i only find
raw distortions of me
between the lines.

inanimate

each word obscures
until i am left as
a dusky myth
in the corner
behind yesterday.

©SMO - '03-'05

in situ

In case you couldn't tell, I'm going through some old files and I thought it might be time to post some poetry here, to round out the offerings. Not that these are my best but these may offer illumination.

Sitting here, every muscle tensed
and waiting, I whisper to you
silently "Come, pull me away from this."

I want to admit the truth
of where I am, this endless velvety dark,
this navy night sky of despair.
Joy has no home here, only
reflection and regret,
reliving my last words and how
I snapped in the face of it all.

How do I open my mouth?
How do I begin to breathe again?

Your lips press to my temple, fingers
travel to the nape of my neck,
a high tension wire singing
with unspoken fears
and you press, for a moment longer
than casual.

In that moment, during the breath
that washes across my brow,
apologies leak from my pores,
fill the air, and you
breathe them in.

SMO © Nov. 2004

I've mentioned karate here several times, mostly in reference to my children taking it or me taking them to it. What I don't usually mention is my personal connection and commitment (and the reason behind it) to the sport.

In college, I needed PE credits to graduate, which makes no sense, really. I mean, I'm PAYING to go to school, I should be able to CHOOSE whether or not I want to take PE. Anyway, I've never been athletically inclined (could explain why I didn't want to take PE!) so choosing a 'sport' in college was a challenge. I had been taking theater and dance classes most of my life but I'm not exactly a 'team player' unless that 'team' is a 'cast' and by 'playing' you mean music. After some procrastination, I finally chose my sports in my junior year. Since I had practiced Archery for many years when I was younger, I took that as an easy A. I also took Fencing, which I absolutely loved.

Notice a trend? Yeah, no team to rely on, just me, my weapon, an opponent and a lot of aiming. Any wonder why I like darts so much?? If only there were an opponent on the board, I'd probably throw better.