May 2007 Archives

Wow, as you can tell, this has been a crazy-go-nuts week for me, starting with Mother's Day, ending in my birthday, with buying a house in the middle. Oh, and did I mention the lockdown at my school, when I had a gun pointed at my head? Heh, silly me ... must fill you in on that bit.

If you read the link, you will see that everything turned out ok but, at the time, we didn't know what was happening. When they called a lockdown, I had 4 students in the media center looking for books. I told them and my assistant to get down in the back corner as I locked down and put out the lights. Well, I locked down as best as I could, locking 2 of my 3 doors and putting out my 'all clear' cards, then joined the kids on the floor.

It became evident pretty quickly this wasn't a drill, as we had no prior knowledge of it. I tried to keep the kids calm and quiet, listening to their nervous whispers and giggles while keeping one eye on the clock. We heard sirens, which didn't help the nervousness, and occasionally we would hear a bang or a rattled door.

About half an hour into the lockdown, it happened. The double doors that I can't lock swung open and two police officers came in quickly and quietly. We huddled there in the dark, watching the light from their flashlights sweep over the room until it came to rest on us. A quiet "All clear" into a shoulder walkie and the officer turned to the side and that was when I realized the flashlight was mounted on top of a gun.

I don't think I was really too scared until those doors swung open. Nothing like being responsible for the lives of someone else's kids to bring you up short. It was all over in about an hour and a half but we were all fried for the rest of the day and, honestly, the rest of the week.

Speaking of kids ... both of my children had concerts this week. I'm an extremely proud momma.

And speaking of moms ... (see, there is a breadcrumb flavored thought path I'm following here) ... for a perfectly worded Mother's Day post, (oh, Grace, I am so with you in this one) check out this post at State of Grace. As you know, I have my own ambivalence/anger/resentment about Mother's Day and Grace's kind, empowering words made me feel perfectly normal for having them. Thank you.

Ok, one last thing, really, and I think that will be the end ... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!! 43 is turning into a very lucky birthday for me ... did I mention the couple we are buying the house from got married on my birthday?? Serendipity?? Methinks ...

HA!! I lied!!! ONE more thing ... I got a phone call from my landlord today, which always puts a peach pit of fear in my stomach. Apparently, he is building a new house and the bank advised them to sell their other houses, one of which is this one. He wanted to offer it to me before he put it on the market.

Let me just say right now ... I don't want this house. I never did want this house. It needs new wiring, new plumbing, and at least one more bathroom. Oh, and bigger rooms and no lawn maintenance. Hmmm ... kind of like THE TOWNHOUSE I'M BUYING! I haven't told him about it yet but I will tell him this week so he can move forward. I just don't know when my closing date will be so I don't want to shoot myself in the foot. Even if this townhouse falls through, though, we are moving this summer.

What it is they say, "When it rains, it pours"? I believe this is my deluge. Here's to a more peaceful week.

Umm ... you know how I posted about going to look at some houses? And, umm ... how at the end of the day I had made an offer on one of them?

*blink blink*

Well, it gets better. After going back and forth a few times, it seems as though we have come to an agreement and I may have actually bought the house. I don't want to jinx anything so when I have more, I'll tell more.

And no, I'm still not ready to tell my mom. This is mine and I'm keeping it for me for as long as I can.

Seems I've taken a giant step, hunh?

Ok, a giant step in home ownership, not in mother-daughter relationships. Oh well. One day at a time.

Ok, so this may seem like its really spontaneous but you have to remember I've been studying the market and shopping for a house for 12 years and planning for this day for my whole life ...

I put an offer on a townhouse today.

Now, I don't know if I'll get it (I offered quite a bit less than they were asking) but I have to try. I'm scared to death, though. Buying the car, that was one thing ... I had been through the process a few times with the x so it wasn't totally foreign to me. Buying a house, though? I'm totally overwhelmed and totally on my own in this. My realtor makes me feel more confident than I probably should be feeling for someone in my position but I like that about her. She doesn't make me feel like a charity case.

Going to breathe in a paper bag for a while. Feeling slight panic symptoms.

Oh, and I can't WAIT until this all goes down and I get to tell my Mom. OH, and the x, now that will be even sweeter. Hahahaaa, yeah, who knew such a loser could actually accomplish anything.

EDIT: What have I done? Fighting the grip of panic, trying my best to remember something, anything, positive about the townhouse and why I thought I could buy it. Getting pains down my arms and legs and nursing a migraine. Must remember to breathe. What have I done?

I haven't read many blogs today, nor have I really thought much about what Mother's Day means to many other people. I haven't watched the plethora of movies about moms that have been on all weekend and each commercial for the 'holiday' makes me change the channel. For the most part, I've been sitting and stewing, avoiding work and wishing I could avoid visiting my mom.

Seriously, shouldn't I be allowed to do only what makes me happy today?? It's my day too.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. My day was pretty typical, as Sundays go. Woke up to watch the F1 race, watched a movie, took a shower, went to my mom's, went shopping, picked up dinner and watched TV. At some point, my son came to my room to offer me a cup of coffee. At another point, my daughter brought me a gift (shower gel and a card) and hung out in bed with me for a bit. For the most part, though, they ignored me. Or fought. Yeah, there was a lot of that. Typical.

I did have to visit Mom though and that, in and of itself, was an aneurysm waiting to happen. We bought her the saucepan she asked for and potted up some pretty pink impatiens in blue pottery dishes and headed out to CVS to get her a card. I am very picky about my cards, reading each one and trying to pick something that conveys just how I feel about my mom on Mother's Day. All the cards are sweet and mushy, filled with "You're my inspiration" and wind-beneath-my-wings saccharine sentiments. I walked up and down the aisle for 45 minutes, past the "Humorous for Her" and "From the Both of Us" cards, wondering where the "Dysfunctional Family" and section was.

No luck. I must have read every card on the rack when I finally found one that was sufficiently non-commital.

Happy Mother's Day to
the person who
helped me become
what I am today.

Thank you.

Card writers really need to work on writing more ambivalent, neutral cards for those of us that only buy them when we are forced. Not that I wouldn't love to have had the kind of Mom that inspires mushy sentiments. I would give anything to be able to make my mom cry with joy and really mean it ... but I'm afraid I would have to lie to do that and I'm not lying anymore.

I love my mom but it's only because I have to. I visit her only when I have to. I really feel an odd sort of disconnect around her that I used to only feel around my dad. A learned disconnect of protection, of shutting down and pulling in, of closing off the joyful parts so they do not get poisoned or stolen.

That's why I'm not telling her about house hunting. Its why I don't tell her about concerts my kids are in (though they are in two this week and they told her ... well, she asked and they can't lie either!). Its why I only spend the required amount of time at her house. Its why I give her exactly what she asks me for and nothing more. I can't invest any more emotional energy in that toxic relationship. I'll save my joyful parts for those that truly love and accept me.

Is that wrong? *sigh* Probably as wrong as the feeling of relief I got when my dad died.

Lots of family stuff coming up this week. Between Mother's Day and my birthday and a drive-by visit from my sister, I may be blogging a lot this week. Or not. I'll be pretty busy too. Now I'm off to go look at houses. Wish me luck. *crosses fingers*

Ok, some big happenings here in Prosemonkey-land ...

1) I GOT THE GRANT!!!
Almost $70k to refurbish my entire library. I'm very happy for our students and a little overwhelmed by the amount of work that I have to do during the renovation process. Oh well. I asked for it. I'll have before and after pictures for you as we go along.

2) I GOT PRE-APPROVED FOR A MORTGAGE!!!!
Holy crap. This is the last thing I expected to happen. I may have even found a suitable (town)house to buy. We're going to look at several tomorrow.

3) GOING TO IRL IN RICHMOND IN JUNE!!!
WOOO!! Heh, we had such fun last year, I can't wait!

4) HAVEN'T HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN YET!!!
Yeah, a LOT is happening in my personal and professional life but I'm doing my best to cope. I may, however, kill my children soon. (Obligatory Mother's Day Post coming later)

Breathing deeply because it would be easy to drown. Gonna jump in the shower and start my day of cleaning, laundry, shopping and visiting my mom. Sounds, ummmm ... ick.