June 2005 Archives

I made a trip to school today to drop off my last receipts for Summer Academy (have to wait until next week for reimbursement, dammit!) and also ask about my paycheck for the past 3 weeks. See, since we are getting paid by Title 1, not payroll, I thought we would have a check cut as soon as we finished. Well, that's what I get for thinking. Looks like I'll have to wait until my next payday (July 15th) to get that, too. I seriously need it earlier than that and was originally led to believe that would be the case. I've gone without child support for 2 months now and things are getting tight ... but enough complaining. It's just 3 weeks. I've been poor all my life, I can do it a little longer. This may effect my trip up north, though. We'll have to wait and see.

While I was at school, I had to spend my yearly allotment of $300 ... smart me used the Bender-Burkot catalogue which gave me a 25% discount AND free shipping. After fenagling it all until I had spent $299.97, I realized that I didn't add tax. Damn state tax. I had to go back and delete 7% of what I wanted to buy so that my taxed amount didn't go over $300, which meant putting back a nifty three hole punch and some bulletin board borders. I'm disappointed but hey ... at least I got my PO in before the July 1st cut-off and didn't lose my money. I don't even want to think about how much money I lost this year because I didn't spend it in time ... which brings me to another crisis.

The reason I stay so late at work and don't have time to do all the little pencil-pushing jobs, including making out purchase orders in time, is because I DON'T HAVE ANY HELP! Well, technically, I do. On paper it looks like I do. But the help I do have is intermittent and unreliable. Let me illustrate.

Here we are at the beginning of my summer vacations and I'm cleaning, watching old movies and bawling like a baby. I've been on a mission, now that school is really over, to clean this filthy house so that I can relax. Funny how working full time and taking care of 2 kids and going back to grad school and trying to have a life can make you rearrange your priorities. I've never been a neatnik but it was beaten into me when I was younger that to live in disarray is an embarassment, just in case someone were to drop in unexpectedly. Now, if someone is so rude as to drop by without calling (*cough* Mom!*cough*), I meet them on the porch and tell them my house is a pigsty and that I would hate for them to get lost in it.

While I was married, I was expected to keep the house just so. Cleaning took place every Sunday morning starting at 6 and had to be done by the time football/basketball/any-sport-with-a-ball started. If I wasn't up and ready to clean at 6, he would be, vacuuming next to the bed *hint* and piling laundry on the bed *hint hint*. It wasn't so bad when I worked at the newspaper but, let me tell you, when I was waitressed and bartended until 2am the night before, it really sucked.

On top of that, I'm not a morning person, as evidenced by most of my late night cleaning sessions, like last night. I began the cleaning frenzy in my room, rearranging and emptying out drawers ... the closet will have to wait until my allergy medicine kicks in. I'm suffering big time from the dust. Yes *gasp* my house is dusty. So are most of my clothes. I only wear about 10% of what I have. Most of my clothes sit in the closets or drawers for ages, gathering dust ... the rest are in all different sizes and I just can't bring myself to throw them out. I think this summer, though, I will have to go through and put everything that I absolutely will not wear, even if I can fit into it, into bags and donate it all. I do't know why I hang onto the past. Yesterday is just that ... I need to look toward tomorrow.

I've come to the conclusion that I haven't had very much fun in my life. How did I decide this, you ask? Well, last weekend, I had the best two minutes of my life, two minutes filled with screaming, laughing, and such pure, unadulterated joy that I found myself nearing a state of euphoria that I didn't even know existed. Yes, I had the MOST. FUN. EVER.

And then I did it again.

Who knew I liked being helpless and strapped down? Who knew that, in my 40's, I would be able to let go of my inhibitions and experience a complete lack of control? Not easy for a control freak, let me tell you. Better still, who knew that I would find the perfect person to have this incredible first-time experience with?

Hands in the air all the way, baby. Can't wait to do it again.

You are tired
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.
Come with me then
And we'll leave it far and far away-
(Only you and I understand!)

You have played
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break and-
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart-
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows
And if you like
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble the moon
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream
Until I find the Only Flower
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

e.e. cummings

*holding out my hand ... 18 hours and counting*